Friendship

Values

The Hebrew Bible includes several stories of friends showing respect and compassion toward one another, like those of David and Jonathan and Ruth and Naomi. It also uses the terms “friend” or “fellow” in the context of commandments such as loving one’s fellow as themselves. Later Jewish texts analyze different types of friendships and how to strive for the ideal friendship, discuss the obligations of friends toward one another, and extol the spiritual benefits of proper friendships.

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Iron Sharpens Iron

TANAKH

Friendship is not just about companionship but also about intellectual growth and mutual enhancement. The book of Proverbs, part of the Hebrew Bible, offers wisdom on living a moral life, including the profound impact of friendship on personal development.

As iron sharpens iron
So a man sharpens the wit of his friend.

Proverbs 27:17

A Profound Friendship

TANAKH

The Book of Samuel I recounts the story of Jonathan's unwavering loyalty and love for David, even in the face of King Saul's (Jonathan's father's) hostility. The deep, personal love and commitment between Jonathan and David offers a profound example of friendship.

Jonathan, out of his love for David, adjured him again, for he loved him as himself.

I Samuel 20:17

Three Type of Friendships

COMMENTARY

Analyzing the Mishnah's directive to "acquire for yourself a friend," Rambam presents three types of friendship and explains that the Mishnah intends for people to strive for the most ideal type of friendship. In his 13th-century commentary on the Mishnah, Rambam draws from Aristotle in explaining different models of friendship.

"Make for yourself a mentor": He means to say even if he is not fit to be your mentor; still place him upon you as a mentor, so that you can give and take (discuss and argue) with him, and as a result of this the study of wisdom will come to your hand. As the study of a man on his own is good, but his study from someone else will be better established in his hand and it will be more clear - and even if he is like him in wisdom or below him. And so did they elucidate the explanation of this commandment. And he said, "acquire for yourself a friend"…

Rambam on Pirkei Avot 1:6:1

The Value of Friendship and Mentorship

MISHNAH

Pirkei Avot, a work of ancient rabbinic ethics and wisdom from the land of Israel, offers timeless wisdom on ethical behavior, including the importance of having teachers and friends.

Joshua ben Perahiah and Nittai the Arbelite received [the oral tradition] from them. Joshua ben Perahiah used to say: appoint for thyself a teacher, and acquire for thyself a companion and judge all men with the scale weighted in his favor.

Pirkei Avot 1:6

Friendship or Death

TALMUD

The Talmud teaches that friendship is so essential to life that its absence can lead to despair and even death. The story of Choni HaMe'aggel in the Babylonian Talmud, in tractate Moed Katan, illustrates the profound necessity of friendship and the existential impact of social connections.

Ḥoni went home and said to the members of the household: Is the son of Ḥoni HaMe’aggel alive? They said to him: His son is no longer with us, but his son’s son is alive. He said to them: I am Ḥoni HaMe’aggel. They did not believe him. He went to the study hall, where he heard the Sages say about one scholar: His halakhot are as enlightening and as clear as in the years of Ḥoni HaMe’aggel, for when Ḥoni HaMe’aggel would enter the study hall he would resolve for the Sages any difficulty they had…

Taanit 23a:17

The Divine Bond of Friendship

KABBALAH

Friendship is represented in Jewish text as not just a social bond but a spiritual connection that can bring divine peace to the world. The Zohar, a foundational work of Jewish mysticism, explores the profound spiritual dimensions of friendship.

At first they are like combatants who seek to kill one another, but afterwards they become friends and brothers. Then God says: “Behold how good”, etc., and He himself listens to them and delights in their converse. You, therefore, Companions that are gathered here, as you have been close friends hitherto, so may you never part until God shall give you glad greeting, and for your sake may there be peace in the world.’

Zohar, Achrei Mot 9:65-66

Friendship in the Wedding Blessings

TALMUD

Friendship is celebrated as a divine creation — alongside joy, love, and peace — in the context of marriage. One of the Sheva Berakhot (Seven Blessings) recited at Jewish weddings emphasizes the importance of friendship as a blessing for the newlyweds.

The fifth blessing is: Bring great joy to these loving friends, as You gave joy to Your creations in Eden in ancient times. Blessed are You, Lord, Who brings joy to the groom and bride.

Ketubot 8a:5

The Spiritual Bonds of Friendship

CHASIDUT

True friendship, according to the Ba'al Shem Tov, involves a spiritual connection that uplifts and unites the community. The Ba'al Shem Tov, regarded as the founder of Chasidic Judaism, interprets the biblical role of Joseph as a unifier, emphasizing the mystical and spiritual dimensions of friendship.

These are the generations of Jacob, Joseph was seventeen years old, and shepherded the flock with his brothers. (Genesis 37:2)
The word “shepherd” (ro’eh) implies “to unite, join or link together,” as in the words “brotherliness” and “friendship.” A shepherd is called a ro’eh because he brings the flock together in one place, lest they become scattered. Thus, Joseph united his brothers – that is, all of Israel and the sparks of the Divine Presence. He uplifted and repaired all of them by means of the holy mystical unifications that he performed…

Ba'al Shem Tov, Vayeshev 1:1

The Trusted Friend

COMMENTARY

The concept of a "trusted friend" (chaver habitachon) emphasizes the profound value of trust and openness in relationships. Rabbi Jonathan Sacks explores this idea as defined by the Rambam's commentary on the Mishnah.

The Rambam in his commentary to the Mishna counts this as one of the four kinds of friendship. He calls it the “trusted friend” (ḥaver habitaḥon) and describes it as having someone in whom “you have absolute trust and with whom you are completely open and unguarded,” hiding neither the good news nor the bad, knowing that the other person will neither take advantage of the confidences shared nor share them with others.

Lessons in Leadership; A Weekly Reading of the Jewish Bible, Hukkat; Miriam, Moses' Friend 13

The Company You Keep

COMMENTARY

Friendships with evildoers are believed to negatively influence even those who do not partake in their actions. Rabbi Ovadiah Bartenura’s 16th-century commentary on Pirkei Avot, an earlier work of ancient rabbinic wisdom, elucidates the impact of an unhealthy friendship by offering a striking analogy.

"do not befriend an evildoer": As thus stated the sages, "Anyone who clings to evildoers - even though he does not act like them - gets retribution similar to them. To what is this matter like? To one who enters the house of a tanner - even though he doesn't take anything with him, nonetheless, he absorbed the foul smell and brings it out with him."

Bartenura on Pirkei Avot 1:7:2

The Qualities and Limits of True Friendship

COMMENTARY

Verses in the biblical book of Proverbs discuss the bond of friendship and warn against becoming financially over-involved with a friend. Malbim, a 19th-century rabbi, explains how to navigate friendship and financial responsibilities in his commentary on these verses.

(17-18) A friend loves at all times, etc. A man who gives the hand is void of understanding: Behold the delineation of a friend is that he loves his friend constantly at all times. And at a time of adversity, his love will grow greater until he is like a brother, to sacrifice his life for his friend as if he were his brother. Nevertheless, even though the friend is obligated to do anything for his friend, he is not obligated to enter into surety and give the hand for him…

Malbim on Proverbs 17:17:1

The Meaning of Adversity in Friendship

JEWISH THOUGHT

A verse in the book of Proverbs describes how the wounds of a friend are faithful, often interpreted to mean that when a friend causes pain, it is done in the best interest of the other. Rabbi Dr. Eliezer Berkovits draws a parallel between that concept and the idea that God's acts of judgment are done with faithfulness.

Even when afflicting a person with His judgment, God acts in faithfulness; even then, He is to be relied upon. One is reminded of the verse in Proverbs, which says that wounds of a friend are ne’emanim, faithful, whereas the kisses of an enemy are importunate. A friend, even when he hurts us, may have our interest in mind; so God, too, even when he executes judgment, he acts in faithfulness.

Man and God, Chapter 6 Emeth, the Concept of Truth 63

The Necessity of Companionship

COMMENTARY

The Tze'enah Ure'enah emphasizes the importance of companionship in all aspects of life, from Torah study to personal relationships and business endeavors. This Yiddish early 17th-century commentary on the Torah was designed to make Torah study accessible to those not fluent in Hebrew.

“There is one” [4:8]. It is not good to be alone. One sometimes finds a scholar who is careful not to have a colleague who will discuss the Torah with him, who is like a good brother. Similarly, he is careful not to have students, who are like a son. Also, a widower is not correct in being alone without a wife. She is like a brother to help him and to have children. It is also not good for a merchant to sit alone. He should have a partner who will travel with him. A person alone soon becomes tired when he studies alone and does not become sated with explanations…

Tze'enah Ure'enah, Megillot, Ecclesiastes 4:7

Learning Together

COMMENTARY

Amicable discussion and mutual learning between friends are essential for personal and spiritual growth. Rashi, in his renowned 11th-century commentary on the Talmud, offers profound insights on the importance of friendship and collaborative learning.

Who are agreeable to each other: Their give and take in [their study of the law] is with an easy temperament. They are involved in order to learn from one another.

Rashi on Shabbat 63a:19:1

New Year Greeting Card from the The Magnes Collection of Jewish Art and Life, UC Berkeley.

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