Bagels and Brachas: Kibbud Av V'em Keeping the Hardest Mitzvah

(12) Honor your father and your mother, that you may long endure on the land that the LORD your God is assigning to you.

The Sages taught: What is reverence/fear and what is honor? Fear of one’s parent includes the following: One may not stand in their parent’s regular place, and may not sit in their place, and may not contradict their statements by expressing an opinion contrary to that of one's parent, and one may not choose sides when his parent argues with someone else. What is considered honor? A child gives their parent food and drink, dresses and covers them, and brings them in and takes them out for all their household needs.

Story 1

The Sages raised a dilemma before Rav Ulla: How far must one go to fulfill the mitzvah of honoring one’s father and mother? Rav Ulla said to them: Go and see what one man did in Ashkelon, and his name was Dama ben Netina. Once the Sages sought to purchase merchandise from him for six hundred thousand gold dinars’ profit, but the key for the container in which the merchandise was kept was placed under his father’s head, and he was sleeping at the time. And Dama ben Netina would not disturb his father by waking him, although he could have made a substantial profit.

Q. How is this a "perfect" example of honoring one's parent?

Story 2

When Rav Dimi came from Eretz Yisrael to Babylonia, he said: Once Dama ben Netina was wearing a fine cloak of gold, and was sitting among the nobles of Rome. And his mother came to him and tore his garment from him and smacked him on the head and spat in his face, and yet he did not embarrass her.

Q. Why would his mother act like that? What do you think of his response?

Story 3

Rabbi Tarfon had a certain manner of treating his mother, that whenever she wished to ascend into her bed he would bend over and help her to ascend, and whenever she wished to descend from the bed, she would descend onto him. He came and praised himself in the study hall for performing the mitzvah of honoring one’s father and mother so thoroughly. They said to him: You still have not reached even half of the honor due to her. Has it ever happened that she threw a wallet into the sea in front of you, and you did not embarrass her?​​​​​​​

Q. 1.Why is what Rabbi Tarfon says not sufficient for fulfilling the mitzvah?

2. Whose wallet is thrown? How does that affect the fulfillment of honoring one's parent if it's the child's wallet? If it's the parent's?

3. What do you think a child's financial obligations should be to their parents? How does personal wealth play into this question?

Honoring after death

The Sages taught: One honors their parent in life and honors them in death... How does one honor a parent in death? If one says a matter they heard from their parent’s mouth, one should not say: So said my parent. Rather, one should say: So said my parent, my teacher, may I be an atonement for his/her resting soul. And this phrasing applies within twelve months of death. From this time onward one says: May his/her memory be for a blessing, for the life of the World-to-Come.