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Following the national day of mourning that is Tisha B’Av, we have the 15th day of the month, Tu B’Av, a Jewish day of love, transitioning from loss to love. Dating back to the Second Temple period (circa 537 - 516 BCE), this was a day dedicated to matchmaking for unmarried Jews. But the textual source for this day offers us a unique insight into the Jewish idea of love — and particularly self-love — with a peculiar comparison to a seemingly unrelated holiday.
אָמַר רַבָּן שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן גַּמְלִיאֵל, לֹא הָיוּ יָמִים טוֹבִים לְיִשְׂרָאֵל כַּחֲמִשָּׁה עָשָׂר בְּאָב וּכְיוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים, שֶׁבָּהֶן בְּנוֹת יְרוּשָׁלַיִם יוֹצְאוֹת בִּכְלֵי לָבָן שְׁאוּלִין, שֶׁלֹּא לְבַיֵּשׁ אֶת מִי שֶׁאֵין לוֹ. כָּל הַכֵּלִים טְעוּנִין טְבִילָה. וּבְנוֹת יְרוּשָׁלַיִם יוֹצְאוֹת וְחוֹלוֹת בַּכְּרָמִים. וּמֶה הָיוּ אוֹמְרוֹת, בָּחוּר, שָׂא נָא עֵינֶיךָ וּרְאֵה, מָה אַתָּה בוֹרֵר לָךְ. אַל תִּתֵּן עֵינֶיךָ בַנּוֹי, תֵּן עֵינֶיךָ בַמִּשְׁפָּחָה. שֶׁקֶר הַחֵן וְהֶבֶל הַיֹּפִי, אִשָּׁה יִרְאַת יהוה הִיא תִתְהַלָּל (משלי לא). וְאוֹמֵר, תְּנוּ לָהּ מִפְּרִי יָדֶיהָ, וִיהַלְלוּהָ בַשְּׁעָרִים מַעֲשֶׂיהָ. וְכֵן הוּא אוֹמֵר, צְאֶינָה וּרְאֶינָה בְּנוֹת צִיּוֹן בַּמֶּלֶךְ שְׁלֹמֹה בָּעֲטָרָה שֶׁעִטְּרָה לּוֹ אִמּוֹ בְּיוֹם חֲתֻנָּתוֹ וּבְיוֹם שִׂמְחַת לִבּוֹ (שיר השירים ג). בְּיוֹם חֲתֻנָּתוֹ, זֶה מַתַּן תּוֹרָה. וּבְיוֹם שִׂמְחַת לִבּוֹ, זֶה בִּנְיַן בֵּית הַמִּקְדָּשׁ, שֶׁיִּבָּנֶה בִמְהֵרָה בְיָמֵינוּ. אָמֵן:
Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel said: There were no days as joyous for the Jewish people as the fifteenth of Av and as Yom Kippur, as on them the daughters of Jerusalem would go out in white clothes, which each woman borrowed from another. Why were they borrowed? They did this so as not to embarrass one who did not have her own white garments. All the garments that the women borrowed require immersion, as those who previously wore them might have been ritually impure. And the daughters of Jerusalem would go out and dance in the vineyards. And what would they say? Young man, please lift up your eyes and see what you choose for yourself for a wife. Do not set your eyes toward beauty, but set your eyes toward a good family, as the verse states: “Grace is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised” (Proverbs 31:30), and it further says: “Give her the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates” (Proverbs 31:31). And similarly, it says in another verse: “Go forth, daughters of Zion, and gaze upon King Solomon, upon the crown with which his mother crowned him on the day of his wedding, and on the day of the gladness of his heart” (Song of Songs 3:11). This verse is explained as an allusion to special days: “On the day of his wedding”; this is the giving of the Torah through the second set of tablets on Yom Kippur. The name King Solomon in this context, which also means king of peace, is interpreted as a reference to God. “And on the day of the gladness of his heart”; this is the building of the Temple, may it be rebuilt speedily in our days.
Modern sensibilities aside, the text’s comparison of Tu B’Av, a day of matchmaking and love, to Yom Kippur, a day of atonement, jumps out at the reader, forcing the question: What could these two days possibly have in common?
One answer might be that they don’t inherently have anything in common; rather, one can inform the other and elevate our Tu B’Av experience. On Yom Kippur, spiritual practitioners are tasked with delving deep into their subconsciouses, taking a hard look at themselves and their lives and finding space to forgive themselves while also asking God for forgiveness. Perhaps, similarly, on Tu B'Av, this text reminds us to look inward and try to find love for ourselves while we also try to find love for others.
Any formative conversation about mental health must begin with a foundation of dignity and respect for all — including for ourselves. By seeing ourselves as being created b’tzelem Elohim (in God’s image)(Genesis 1:26), we can counter internal shame and stigma that prevent us from achieving mental wellness and instead lead to poor mental health or even mental illness. Judaism has a long tradition of recognizing that people don’t require only physical healing.
(כו) וַיֹּ֣אמֶר אֱלֹהִ֔ים נַֽעֲשֶׂ֥ה אָדָ֛ם בְּצַלְמֵ֖נוּ כִּדְמוּתֵ֑נוּ וְיִרְדּוּ֩ בִדְגַ֨ת הַיָּ֜ם וּבְע֣וֹף הַשָּׁמַ֗יִם וּבַבְּהֵמָה֙ וּבְכׇל־הָאָ֔רֶץ וּבְכׇל־הָרֶ֖מֶשׂ הָֽרֹמֵ֥שׂ עַל־הָאָֽרֶץ׃
(26) And God said, “Let us make humankind in our image, after our likeness. They shall rule the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, the cattle, the whole earth, and all the creeping things that creep on earth.”
When we recite the mi sheberach for the sick, we pray for both refuat hanefesh and refuat haguf, a healing of the spirit (mental, emotional, social and spiritual wholeness) and of the body. It is only by treating both the body and the mind that we can achieve refuah shleimah, healing and wholeness.
On Tu B’Av, we have a heightened awareness of love, and the day’s connection with Yom Kippur reminds us we need to love ourselves as well — and we are worthy of love. These two middot (or Jewish values) — b'tzelem Elohim and refuah shleima — can guide us as we journey toward self-love to live healthier, more fulfilling lives.
Activity — Show Yourself Some Love
Of course, self-love can be challenging, and it isn’t always accessible. Fortunately, a number of coping skills and self-care practices can help you find it.
Three Coping Skills to Help Develop Self-Love
Care as much about yourself as you do for others.
It may feel selfish, but it isn't. Caring about yourself as much as you care for others is necessary for living a mentally healthy life. Treat yourself the way you would treat anyone else — with gentleness, concern and care.
It may feel selfish, but it isn't. Caring about yourself as much as you care for others is necessary for living a mentally healthy life. Treat yourself the way you would treat anyone else — with gentleness, concern and care.
Do what you need to do to be you.
Figure out what makes you happy, and DO IT. Maybe you need a short walk every morning or some time after work to recharge? Whatever it is, giving yourself space to heal and love yourself will help you feel better — and better equipped to help others.
Maintain your boundaries.
We all have lines we don't want people to cross, and it is important to voice those things. Your comfort is important, and it is crucial to your self-esteem to assert those boundaries.