By Max Hollander
The Mishnah in tractate Ta’anit makes a strange claim.
(ח) אָמַר רַבָּן שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן גַּמְלִיאֵל, לֹא הָיוּ יָמִים טוֹבִים לְיִשְׂרָאֵל כַּחֲמִשָּׁה עָשָׂר בְּאָב וּכְיוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים, שֶׁבָּהֶן בְּנוֹת יְרוּשָׁלַיִם יוֹצְאוֹת בִּכְלֵי לָבָן שְׁאוּלִין, שֶׁלֹּא לְבַיֵּשׁ אֶת מִי שֶׁאֵין לוֹ. כָּל הַכֵּלִים טְעוּנִין טְבִילָה. וּבְנוֹת יְרוּשָׁלַיִם יוֹצְאוֹת וְחוֹלוֹת בַּכְּרָמִים. וּמֶה הָיוּ אוֹמְרוֹת, בָּחוּר, שָׂא נָא עֵינֶיךָ וּרְאֵה, מָה אַתָּה בוֹרֵר לָךְ. אַל תִּתֵּן עֵינֶיךָ בַנּוֹי, תֵּן עֵינֶיךָ בַמִּשְׁפָּחָה. שֶׁקֶר הַחֵן וְהֶבֶל הַיֹּפִי, אִשָּׁה יִרְאַת יהוה הִיא תִתְהַלָּל (משלי לא). וְאוֹמֵר, תְּנוּ לָהּ מִפְּרִי יָדֶיהָ, וִיהַלְלוּהָ בַשְּׁעָרִים מַעֲשֶׂיהָ. וְכֵן הוּא אוֹמֵר, צְאֶינָה וּרְאֶינָה בְּנוֹת צִיּוֹן בַּמֶּלֶךְ שְׁלֹמֹה בָּעֲטָרָה שֶׁעִטְּרָה לּוֹ אִמּוֹ בְּיוֹם חֲתֻנָּתוֹ וּבְיוֹם שִׂמְחַת לִבּוֹ (שיר השירים ג). בְּיוֹם חֲתֻנָּתוֹ, זֶה מַתַּן תּוֹרָה. וּבְיוֹם שִׂמְחַת לִבּוֹ, זֶה בִּנְיַן בֵּית הַמִּקְדָּשׁ, שֶׁיִּבָּנֶה בִמְהֵרָה בְיָמֵינוּ. אָמֵן:
(8)Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel said: There were no days as joyous for the Jewish people as the fifteenth of Av and as Yom Kippur, as on them the daughters of Jerusalem would go out in white clothes, which each woman borrowed from another. Why were they borrowed? They did this so as not to embarrass one who did not have her own white garments. All the garments that the women borrowed require immersion, as those who previously wore them might have been ritually impure. And the daughters of Jerusalem would go out and dance in the vineyards. And what would they say? Young man, please lift up your eyes and see what you choose for yourself for a wife. Do not set your eyes toward beauty, but set your eyes toward a good family, as the verse states: “Grace is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised” (Proverbs 31:30), and it further says: “Give her the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates” (Proverbs 31:31). And similarly, it says in another verse: “Go forth, daughters of Zion, and gaze upon King Solomon, upon the crown with which his mother crowned him on the day of his wedding, and on the day of the gladness of his heart” (Song of Songs 3:11). This verse is explained as an allusion to special days: “On the day of his wedding”; this is the giving of the Torah through the second set of tablets on Yom Kippur. The name King Solomon in this context, which also means king of peace, is interpreted as a reference to God. “And on the day of the gladness of his heart”; this is the building of the Temple, may it be rebuilt speedily in our days.
Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel explains the reason for this joy is that on Yom Kippur and Tu B’Av (the fifteenth of the month of Av), it was customary for single members of the community to meet each other and find suitable partners.
On the surface, this all seems like a strange pairing of holidays. The traditions and atmospheres of the two could not be more different: Yom Kippur, an auspicious day of judgment traditionally marked with fasting and repenting for our sins of the previous year, and Tu B’Av, the Jewish holiday of love. It is even more strange that a day as auspicious as Yom Kippur be called a “joyous” day dedicated to matchmaking.
However, if you consider that Tu B’Av follows the emotionally strenuous holiday of Tisha B’Av, you will find one area of significant overlap between the two days.
Tisha B’Av commemorates the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem and the tragedies that have befallen the Jewish people since then. Similarly, Yom Kippur is dedicated to strenuous reflection and repentance which can be emotionally devastating for many Jews.
Particularly distressing times like the afternoon of Yom Kippur, as our individual judgments for the year are being “sealed,” and Tu B’Av, celebrated in the aftermath of Tisha B’Av, require unique methods of healing. Perhaps the only way forward after moments like these are with the love, company, support and partnership of others.
Whether you are observing Tu B’Av or Yom Kippur, we encourage you to take a moment to recognize that in those auspicious moments, you aren’t alone. Think about the people you can turn to and connect with, the people who you love and care about, recognizing they love and care about you too. It can be easy to feel isolated during challenging moments. Consider this Mishnah an invitation to try to make connections like them. When we are in pain and our guards are down, we can reveal our truest selves more easily, making it easier to form authentic and meaningful connections with one another or open ourselves up to the possibility of doing so. As Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Kotzke wrote,
“There is nothing as whole, as a broken heart,”
because it is ready to be healed by another.