(יז) לֹֽא־תִשְׂנָ֥א אֶת־אָחִ֖יךָ בִּלְבָבֶ֑ךָ הוֹכֵ֤חַ תּוֹכִ֙יחַ֙ אֶת־עֲמִיתֶ֔ךָ וְלֹא־תִשָּׂ֥א עָלָ֖יו חֵֽטְא׃
(17) You shall not hate your kinsfolk in your heart. Reprove your kin but incur no guilt on their account.
(כה) וְהוֹכִ֥חַ אַבְרָהָ֖ם אֶת־אֲבִימֶ֑לֶךְ עַל־אֹדוֹת֙ בְּאֵ֣ר הַמַּ֔יִם אֲשֶׁ֥ר גָּזְל֖וּ עַבְדֵ֥י אֲבִימֶֽלֶךְ׃
(25) Then Abraham reproached Abimelech for the well of water which the servants of Abimelech had seized.
(יד) וַיִּקְצֹ֣ף מֹשֶׁ֔ה עַ֖ל פְּקוּדֵ֣י הֶחָ֑יִל שָׂרֵ֤י הָאֲלָפִים֙ וְשָׂרֵ֣י הַמֵּא֔וֹת הַבָּאִ֖ים מִצְּבָ֥א הַמִּלְחָמָֽה׃
(14) Moses became angry with the commanders of the army, the officers of thousands and the officers of hundreds, who had come back from the military campaign.
רבי שמעון בן אלעזר אומר משום רבי מאיר אל תרצה את חבירך בשעת כעסו [ואל תנחמהו בשעת אבלו ואל תשאל לו בשעת נדרו] ואל תבא לביתו ביום אידו ואל תשתדל לראותו וכו׳ *(יש אומרים) יש לך חבירים מקצתן מוכיחין אותך ומקצתן משבחין אותך אהוב את המוכיחך ושנא את המשבחך מפני שמוכיחך מביאך לחיי העולם הבא והמשבחך מוציאך מן העולם. הוא היה אומר בכל מקום שאדם הולך לבו הולך. עומד לבו עומד. יושב דברים מיושבים כנגדו:
Rabbi Shimon ben Elazar would say in the name of Rabbi Meir: Do not try to make your friend feel better when he is still angry. [And do not attempt to comfort him when he is still in mourning. And do not ask him if he wants something when he has taken a vow not to have it.] And do not come to his house to try to see him on the day of his festival. (And some say:) If you have friends, some of whom challenge you and some of whom praise you, love the ones who challenge you and hate the ones who praise you. For those who challenge you are bringing you into the World to Come, and those who praise you are taking you out of the world. He would also say: Anywhere a person goes, his heart goes. Where he stays, his heart stays. When he is settled, those around him feel settled.
(כה) וַיֵּ֣שֶׁב הַ֠מֶּ֠לֶךְ עַל־מ֨וֹשָׁב֜וֹ כְּפַ֣עַם ׀ בְּפַ֗עַם אֶל־מוֹשַׁב֙ הַקִּ֔יר וַיָּ֙קׇם֙ יְה֣וֹנָתָ֔ן וַיֵּ֥שֶׁב אַבְנֵ֖ר מִצַּ֣ד שָׁא֑וּל וַיִּפָּקֵ֖ד מְק֥וֹם דָּוִֽד׃ (כו) וְלֹא־דִבֶּ֥ר שָׁא֛וּל מְא֖וּמָה בַּיּ֣וֹם הַה֑וּא כִּ֤י אָמַר֙ מִקְרֶ֣ה ה֔וּא בִּלְתִּ֥י טָה֛וֹר ה֖וּא כִּי־לֹ֥א טָהֽוֹר׃ {ס} (כז) וַיְהִ֗י מִֽמׇּחֳרַ֤ת הַחֹ֙דֶשׁ֙ הַשֵּׁנִ֔י וַיִּפָּקֵ֖ד מְק֣וֹם דָּוִ֑ד {פ} וַיֹּ֤אמֶר שָׁאוּל֙ אֶל־יְהוֹנָתָ֣ן בְּנ֔וֹ מַדּ֜וּעַ לֹא־בָ֧א בֶן־יִשַׁ֛י גַּם־תְּמ֥וֹל גַּם־הַיּ֖וֹם אֶל־הַלָּֽחֶם׃ (כח) וַיַּ֥עַן יְהוֹנָתָ֖ן אֶת־שָׁא֑וּל נִשְׁאֹ֨ל נִשְׁאַ֥ל דָּוִ֛ד מֵעִמָּדִ֖י עַד־בֵּ֥ית לָֽחֶם׃ (כט) וַיֹּ֡אמֶר שַׁלְּחֵ֣נִי נָ֡א כִּ֣י זֶ֩בַח֩ מִשְׁפָּחָ֨ה לָ֜נוּ בָּעִ֗יר וְה֤וּא צִוָּה־לִי֙ אָחִ֔י וְעַתָּ֗ה אִם־מָצָ֤אתִי חֵן֙ בְּעֵינֶ֔יךָ אִמָּ֥לְטָה נָּ֖א וְאֶרְאֶ֣ה אֶת־אֶחָ֑י עַל־כֵּ֣ן לֹא־בָ֔א אֶל־שֻׁלְחַ֖ן הַמֶּֽלֶךְ׃ {ס} (ל) וַיִּֽחַר־אַ֤ף שָׁאוּל֙ בִּיה֣וֹנָתָ֔ן וַיֹּ֣אמֶר ל֔וֹ בֶּֽן־נַעֲוַ֖ת הַמַּרְדּ֑וּת הֲל֣וֹא יָדַ֗עְתִּי כִּֽי־בֹחֵ֤ר אַתָּה֙ לְבֶן־יִשַׁ֔י לְבׇ֨שְׁתְּךָ֔ וּלְבֹ֖שֶׁת עֶרְוַ֥ת אִמֶּֽךָ׃ (לא) כִּ֣י כׇל־הַיָּמִ֗ים אֲשֶׁ֤ר בֶּן־יִשַׁי֙ חַ֣י עַל־הָאֲדָמָ֔ה לֹ֥א תִכּ֖וֹן אַתָּ֣ה וּמַלְכוּתֶ֑ךָ וְעַתָּ֗ה שְׁלַ֨ח וְקַ֤ח אֹתוֹ֙ אֵלַ֔י כִּ֥י בֶן־מָ֖וֶת הֽוּא׃ {ס} (לב) וַיַּ֙עַן֙ יְה֣וֹנָתָ֔ן אֶת־שָׁא֖וּל אָבִ֑יו וַיֹּ֧אמֶר אֵלָ֛יו לָ֥מָּה יוּמַ֖ת מֶ֥ה עָשָֽׂה׃ (לג) וַיָּ֨טֶל שָׁא֧וּל אֶֽת־הַחֲנִ֛ית עָלָ֖יו לְהַכֹּת֑וֹ וַיֵּ֙דַע֙ יְה֣וֹנָתָ֔ן כִּי־כָ֥לָה הִ֛יא מֵעִ֥ם אָבִ֖יו לְהָמִ֥ית אֶת־דָּוִֽד׃ {ס}
(25) When the king took his usual place on the seat by the wall, Jonathan rose and Abner sat down at Saul’s side; but David’s place remained vacant. (26) That day, however, Saul said nothing. “It’s accidental,” he thought. “He must be unclean and not yet cleansed.” (27) But on the day after the new moon, the second day, David’s place was vacant again. So Saul said to his son Jonathan, “Why didn’t the son of Jesse come to the meal yesterday or today?” (28) Jonathan answered Saul, “David begged leave of me to go to Bethlehem. (29) He said, ‘Please let me go, for we are going to have a family feast in our town and my brother has summoned me to it. Do me a favor, let me slip away to see my kinsmen.’ That is why he has not come to the king’s table.” (30) Saul flew into a rage against Jonathan. “You son of a perverse, rebellious woman!” he shouted. “I know that you side with the son of Jesse—to your shame, and to the shame of your mother’s nakedness! (31) For as long as the son of Jesse lives on earth, neither you nor your kingship will be secure. Now then, have him brought to me, for he is marked for death.” (32) But Jonathan spoke up and said to his father, “Why should he be put to death? What has he done?” (33) At that, Saul threw his spear at him to strike him down; and Jonathan realized that his father was determined to do away with David.
"Humility not for its own sake." Can we be too humble so as to not rebuke another? For whose sake is such humility? Or is that really pride, disguised as humility? Which is more important - the rebuke or the intentions behind the rebuke?
תָּנוּ רַבָּנַן: ״לֹא תִשְׂנָא אֶת אָחִיךָ בִּלְבָבֶךָ״ — יָכוֹל לֹא יַכֶּנּוּ, לֹא יִסְטְרֶנּוּ, וְלֹא יְקַלְּלֶנּוּ? תַּלְמוּד לוֹמַר: ״בִּלְבָבֶךָ״ — שִׂנְאָה שֶׁבַּלֵּב הַכָּתוּב מְדַבֵּר. מִנַּיִן לָרוֹאֶה בַּחֲבֵירוֹ דָּבָר מְגוּנֶּה שֶׁחַיָּיב לְהוֹכִיחוֹ? שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: ״הוֹכֵחַ תּוֹכִיחַ״. הוֹכִיחוֹ וְלֹא קִבֵּל, מִנַּיִן שֶׁיַּחֲזוֹר וְיוֹכִיחֶנּוּ? תַּלְמוּד לוֹמַר: ״תּוֹכִיחַ״, מִכׇּל מָקוֹם. יָכוֹל אֲפִילּוּ מִשְׁתַּנִּים פָּנָיו? תַּלְמוּד לוֹמַר: ״לֹא תִשָּׂא עָלָיו חֵטְא״. תַּנְיָא, אָמַר רַבִּי טַרְפוֹן: תְּמֵיהַנִי אֲנִי אִם יֵשׁ בַּדּוֹר הַזֶּה שֶׁמְּקַבֵּל תּוֹכֵחָה, אֲפִילּוּ אָמַר לוֹ ״טוֹל קֵיסָם מִבֵּין עֵינֶיךָ״, אוֹמֵר לוֹ ״טוֹל קוֹרָה מִבֵּין עֵינֶיךָ״. אָמַר רַבִּי אֶלְעָזָר בֶּן עֲזַרְיָה: תְּמֵיהַנִי אִם יֵשׁ בְּדוֹר הַזֶּה שֶׁיּוֹדֵעַ לְהוֹכִיחַ. וְאָמַר רַבִּי יוֹחָנָן בֶּן נוּרִי: מֵעִיד אֲנִי עָלַי שָׁמַיִם וָאָרֶץ שֶׁהַרְבֵּה פְּעָמִים לָקָה עֲקִיבָא עַל יְדֵי, שֶׁהָיִיתִי קוֹבֵל עָלָיו לִפְנֵי רַבָּן שִׁמְעוֹן בְּרִיבִּי, וְכׇל שֶׁכֵּן שֶׁהוֹסַפְתִּי בּוֹ אַהֲבָה, לְקַיֵּים מַה שֶּׁנֶּאֱמַר: ״אַל תּוֹכַח לֵץ פֶּן יִשְׂנָאֶךָּ הוֹכַח לְחָכָם וְיֶאֱהָבֶךָּ״. בְּעָא מִינֵּיהּ רַבִּי יְהוּדָה בְּרֵיהּ דְּרַבִּי שִׁמְעוֹן: תּוֹכֵחָה לִשְׁמָהּ וַעֲנָוָה שֶׁלֹּא לִשְׁמָהּ, הֵי מִינַּיְיהוּ עֲדִיפָא? אֲמַר לֵיהּ: וְלָא מוֹדֵית דַּעֲנָוָה לִשְׁמָהּ עֲדִיפָא, דְּאָמַר מָר: עֲנָוָה גְּדוֹלָה מִכּוּלָּם? שֶׁלֹּא לִשְׁמָהּ נָמֵי עֲדִיפָא, דְּאָמַר רַב יְהוּדָה אָמַר רַב: לְעוֹלָם יַעֲסוֹק אָדָם בְּתוֹרָה וּבְמִצְוֹת אַף עַל פִּי שֶׁלֹּא לִשְׁמָהּ, שֶׁמִּתּוֹךְ שֶׁלֹּא לִשְׁמָהּ בָּא לִשְׁמָהּ. הֵיכִי דָּמֵי תּוֹכֵחָה לִשְׁמָהּ וַעֲנָוָה שֶׁלֹּא לִשְׁמָהּ? כִּי הָא דְּרַב הוּנָא וְחִיָּיא בַּר רַב הֲווֹ יָתְבִי קַמֵּיהּ דִּשְׁמוּאֵל, אֲמַר לֵיהּ חִיָּיא בַּר רַב: חֲזִי מָר דְּקָא מְצַעַר לִי. קַבֵּיל עֲלֵיהּ דְּתוּ לָא מְצַעַר לֵיהּ. בָּתַר דְּנָפֵיק, אֲמַר לֵיהּ: הָכִי וְהָכִי קָא עָבֵיד. אֲמַר לֵיהּ: אַמַּאי לָא אֲמַרְתְּ לֵיהּ בְּאַנְפֵּיהּ? אֲמַר לֵיהּ: חַס לִי דְּלִיכְּסִיף זַרְעֵיהּ דְּרַב עַל יְדַאי! עַד הֵיכָן תּוֹכֵחָה? רַב אָמַר: עַד הַכָּאָה, וּשְׁמוּאֵל אָמַר: עַד קְלָלָה, וְרַבִּי יוֹחָנָן אָמַר: עַד נְזִיפָה. כְּתַנָּאֵי: רַבִּי אֱלִיעֶזֶר אוֹמֵר: עַד הַכָּאָה, רַבִּי יְהוֹשֻׁעַ אוֹמֵר: עַד קְלָלָה, בֶּן עַזַּאי אוֹמֵר: עַד נְזִיפָה. אָמַר רַב נַחְמָן בַּר יִצְחָק, וּשְׁלׇשְׁתָּן מִקְרָא אֶחָד דָּרְשׁוּ: ״וַיִּחַר אַף שָׁאוּל בִּיהוֹנָתָן וַיֹּאמֶר לוֹ בֶּן נַעֲוַת הַמַּרְדּוּת״, וּכְתִיב: ״וַיָּטֶל שָׁאוּל אֶת הַחֲנִית עָלָיו לְהַכּוֹתוֹ״. לְמַאן דְּאָמַר עַד הַכָּאָה, דִּכְתִיב: ״לְהַכּוֹתוֹ״, וּלְמַאן דְּאָמַר עַד קְלָלָה, דִּכְתִיב: ״לְבׇשְׁתְּךָ וּלְבֹשֶׁת עֶרְוַת אִמֶּךָ״, וּלְמַאן דְּאָמַר עַד נְזִיפָה, דִּכְתִיב: ״וַיִּחַר אַף שָׁאוּל״. וּלְמַאן דְּאָמַר נְזִיפָה, הָכְתִיב הַכָּאָה וּקְלָלָה! שָׁאנֵי הָתָם, דְּאַגַּב חַבִּיבוּתָא יַתִּירָא דַּהֲוָה בֵּיהּ לִיהוֹנָתָן בְּדָוִד, מְסַר נַפְשֵׁיהּ טְפֵי.
§ The Sages taught in a baraita: “You shall not hate your brother in your heart; you shall rebuke [hokhe’aḥ tokhiaḥ] your neighbor, and do not bear sin because of him” (Leviticus 19:17). Why does the verse specify “in your heart”? One might have thought that the verse means: Do not hit him, do not slap him, and do not ruin him due to hatred. Therefore the verse states “in your heart.” This teaches that the verse speaks of hatred in the heart. From where is it derived with regard to one who sees an unseemly matter in another that he is obligated to rebuke him? As it is stated: “You shall rebuke [hokhe’aḥ tokhiaḥ] your neighbor.” If one rebuked him for his action but he did not accept the rebuke, from where is it derived that he must rebuke him again? The verse states: “You shall rebuke [hokhe’aḥ tokhiaḥ],” and the double language indicates he must rebuke in any case. One might have thought that one should continue rebuking him even if his face changes due to humiliation. Therefore, the verse states: “Do not bear sin because of him”; the one giving rebuke may not sin by embarrassing the other person. It is taught in a baraita that Rabbi Tarfon says: I would be surprised if there is anyone in this generation who can receive rebuke. Why? Because if the one rebuking says to him: Remove the splinter from between your eyes, i.e., rid yourself of a minor infraction, the other says to him: Remove the beam from between your eyes, i.e., you have committed far more severe sins. Rabbi Elazar ben Azaria says: I would be surprised if there is anyone in this generation who knows how to rebuke correctly, without embarrassing the person he is rebuking. And Rabbi Yoḥanan ben Nuri says: I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses before me that Akiva was lashed, i.e., punished, many times on my account, as I would complain about him before Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel the Great. And all the more so I thereby increased his love for me. This incident serves to affirm that which is stated: “Do not rebuke a scorner lest he hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you” (Proverbs 9:8). A wise man wants to improve himself and loves those who assist him in that task. Rabbi Yehuda, son of Rabbi Shimon, asked his father: If one is faced with the choice of rebuke for its own sake, or humility not for its own sake, which of them is preferable? His father said to him: Do you not concede that humility for its own sake is preferable? As the Master says: Humility is the greatest of all the positive attributes. If so, humility not for its own sake is also preferable, as Rav Yehuda says that Rav says: A person should always engage in Torah and mitzvot even if not for their own sake, i.e., without the proper motivation but for ulterior motives, as through the performance of mitzvot not for their own sake, one will come in the end to do them for their own sake. The Gemara asks: What is considered rebuke for its own sake and humility not for its own sake? The Gemara answers: It is like this incident that occurred when Rav Huna and Ḥiyya bar Rav were sitting before Shmuel. Ḥiyya bar Rav said to Shmuel: See, Master, that Rav Huna is afflicting me. Rav Huna accepted upon himself that he would not afflict Ḥiyya bar Rav anymore. After Ḥiyya bar Rav left, Rav Huna said to Shmuel: Ḥiyya bar Rav did such-and-such to me, and therefore I was in the right to cause him distress. Shmuel said to him: Why did you not say this in his presence? Rav Huna said to him: Heaven forbid that the son of Rav should be humiliated because of me. This provides an example of rebuke for its own sake, as Rav Huna originally rebuked Ḥiyya bar Rav only when Shmuel was not present, and of humility not for its own sake, as Rav Huna did not forgive Ḥiyya bar Rav but simply did not wish to humiliate him. § The Gemara asks: Until where does the obligation of rebuke extend? Rav says: Until his rebuke is met by hitting, i.e., until the person being rebuked hits the person rebuking him.And Shmuel says: Until his rebuke is met by cursing, i.e., he curses the one rebuking him. And Rabbi Yoḥanan says: Until his rebuke is met by reprimand. The Gemara points out that this dispute between these amora’im is like a dispute between tanna’im: Rabbi Eliezer says: Until his rebuke is met by hitting; Rabbi Yehoshua says: Until his rebuke is met by cursing; ben Azzai says: Until his rebuke is met by reprimand. Rav Naḥman bar Yitzḥak says: And all three of them expounded the same one verse, from which they derived their respective opinions. After Jonathan rebuked his father, Saul, for the way he treated David, the verse states: “Then Saul’s anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said unto him: You son of perverse rebellion, do not I know that you have chosen the son of Yishai to your own shame, and to the shame of your mother’s nakedness” (I Samuel 20:30). And it is written: “And Saul cast his spear at him to smite him, whereby Jonathan knew that it had been determined by his father to put David to death” (I Samuel 20:33). According to the one who says: Until his rebuke is met by hitting, it is derived from that which is written: “To smite him.” And according to the one who says: Until his rebuke is met by cursing, it is derived from that which is written: “To the shame of your mother’s nakedness.” And according to the one who says: Until his rebuke is met by reprimand, it is derived from that which is written: “Then Saul’s anger was kindled.” The Gemara asks: But according to the one who says: Until his rebuke is met by reprimand, aren’t both hitting and cursing written in that verse? The Gemara answers: It is different there, as due to the special fondness that Jonathan had for David, he subjected himself to more abuse than is required by halakha.
(ז) הָרוֹאֶה חֲבֵרוֹ שֶׁחָטָא אוֹ שֶׁהָלַךְ בְּדֶרֶךְ לֹא טוֹבָה מִצְוָה לְהַחֲזִירוֹ לַמּוּטָב וּלְהוֹדִיעוֹ שֶׁהוּא חוֹטֵא עַל עַצְמוֹ בְּמַעֲשָׂיו הָרָעִים שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (ויקרא יט יז) "הוֹכֵחַ תּוֹכִיחַ אֶת עֲמִיתֶךָ". הַמּוֹכִיחַ אֶת חֲבֵרוֹ. בֵּין בִּדְבָרִים שֶׁבֵּינוֹ לְבֵינוֹ. בֵּין בִּדְבָרִים שֶׁבֵּינוֹ לְבֵין הַמָּקוֹם. צָרִיךְ לְהוֹכִיחוֹ בֵּינוֹ לְבֵין עַצְמוֹ. וִידַבֵּר לוֹ בְּנַחַת וּבְלָשׁוֹן רַכָּה וְיוֹדִיעוֹ שֶׁאֵינוֹ אוֹמֵר לוֹ אֶלָּא לְטוֹבָתוֹ לַהֲבִיאוֹ לְחַיֵּי הָעוֹלָם הַבָּא. אִם קִבֵּל מִמֶּנּוּ מוּטָב וְאִם לָאו יוֹכִיחֶנּוּ פַּעַם שְׁנִיָּה וּשְׁלִישִׁית. וְכֵן תָּמִיד חַיָּב אָדָם לְהוֹכִיחוֹ עַד שֶׁיַּכֵּהוּ הַחוֹטֵא וְיֹאמַר לוֹ אֵינִי שׁוֹמֵעַ. וְכָל שֶׁאֶפְשָׁר בְּיָדוֹ לִמְחוֹת וְאֵינוֹ מוֹחֶה הוּא נִתְפָּשׂ בַּעֲוֹן אֵלּוּ כֵּיוָן שֶׁאֶפְשָׁר לוֹ לִמְחוֹת בָּהֶם:
(ח) הַמּוֹכִיחַ אֶת חֲבֵרוֹ תְּחִלָּה לֹא יְדַבֵּר לוֹ קָשׁוֹת עַד שֶׁיַּכְלִימֶנּוּ שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (ויקרא יט יז) "וְלֹא תִשָּׂא עָלָיו חֵטְא". כָּךְ אָמְרוּ חֲכָמִים יָכוֹל אַתָּה מוֹכִיחוֹ וּפָנָיו מִשְׁתַּנּוֹת תַּלְמוּד לוֹמַר וְלֹא תִשָּׂא עָלָיו חֵטְא. מִכָּאן שֶׁאָסוּר לָאָדָם לְהַכְלִים אֶת יִשְׂרָאֵל וְכָל שֶׁכֵּן בָּרַבִּים. אַף עַל פִּי שֶׁהַמַּכְלִים אֶת חֲבֵרוֹ אֵינוֹ לוֹקֶה עָלָיו עָוֹן גָּדוֹל הוּא. כָּךְ אָמְרוּ חֲכָמִים (גמרא סנהדרין קז א) "הַמַּלְבִּין פְּנֵי חֲבֵרוֹ בָּרַבִּים אֵין לוֹ חֵלֶק לָעוֹלָם הַבָּא". לְפִיכָךְ צָרִיךְ אָדָם לְהִזָּהֵר שֶׁלֹּא לְבַיֵּשׁ חֲבֵרוֹ בָּרַבִּים בֵּין קָטָן בֵּין גָּדוֹל. וְלֹא יִקְרָא לוֹ בְּשֵׁם שֶׁהוּא בּוֹשׁ מִמֶּנּוּ. וְלֹא יְסַפֵּר לְפָנָיו דָּבָר שֶׁהוּא בּוֹשׁ מִמֶּנּוּ. בַּמֶּה דְּבָרִים אֲמוּרִים בִּדְבָרִים שֶׁבֵּין אָדָם לַחֲבֵרוֹ. אֲבָל בְּדִבְרֵי שָׁמַיִם אִם לֹא חָזַר בּוֹ בַּסֵּתֶר מַכְלִימִין אוֹתוֹ בָּרַבִּים וּמְפַרְסְמִים חֶטְאוֹ וּמְחָרְפִים אוֹתוֹ בְּפָנָיו וּמְבַזִּין וּמְקַלְּלִין אוֹתוֹ עַד שֶׁיַּחֲזֹר לַמּוּטָב כְּמוֹ שֶׁעָשׂוּ כָּל הַנְּבִיאִים בְּיִשְׂרָאֵל:
(7) It is a mitzvah for a person who sees that his fellow Jew has sinned or is following an improper path [to attempt] to correct his behavior and to inform him that he is causing himself a loss by his evil deeds as [Leviticus 19:17] states: "You shall surely admonish your colleague." A person who rebukes a colleague - whether because of a [wrong committed] against him or because of a matter between his colleague and God - should rebuke him privately. He should speak to him patiently and gently, informing him that he is only making these statements for his colleague's own welfare, to allow him to merit the life of the world to come. If he accepts [the rebuke], it is good; if not, he should rebuke him a second and third time. Indeed, one is obligated to rebuke a colleague who does wrong until the latter strikes him and tells him: "I will not listen." Whoever has the possibility of rebuking [sinners] and fails to do so is considered responsible for that sin, for he had the opportunity to rebuke the [sinners].
(8) At first, a person who admonishes a colleague should not speak to him harshly until he becomes embarrassed as [Leviticus 19:17] states: "[You should]... not bear a sin because of him." This is what our Sages said: Should you rebuke him to the point that his face changes [color]? The Torah states: "[You should]... not bear a sin because of him." From this, [we learn that] it is forbidden for a person to embarrass a [fellow] Jew. How much more so [is it forbidden to embarrass him] in public. Even though a person who embarrasses a colleague is not [liable for] lashes on account of him, it is a great sin. Our Sages said: "A person who embarrasses a colleague in public does not have a share in the world to come." Therefore, a person should be careful not to embarrass a colleague - whether of great or lesser stature - in public, and not to call him a name which embarrasses him or to relate a matter that brings him shame in his presence. When does the above apply? In regard to matters between one man and another. However, in regard to spiritual matters, if [a transgressor] does not repent [after being admonished] in private, he may be put to shame in public and his sin may be publicized. He may be subjected to abuse, scorn, and curses until he repents, as was the practice of all the prophets of Israel.
Hayim of Volozhin, Keter Rosh 143. "Rebuke: Do not speak harshly, as harsh words are not heard. Rather he should use gentle language. And if his nature is not at all inclined to speak gently, he is exempt from rebuking.