Jewish Jokes and Why We Tell Them

Jewish jokes “on one foot”:

Jewish jokes, in this context, are jokes told by Jews in response to some aspect of Jewish life. Sometimes they are a coping mechanism for dealing with the challenges of life as a Jew; laughing at problems can make them seem smaller, and also provide a break from dealing with them. The term can also refer to jokes told about Jews by non-Jews, but those tend to be draw on stereotypes about Jews (usually around money) in a mean spirit. When Jews tell Jewish jokes, they are often told among other Jews because there is a difference between lovingly making fun of ourselves vs. perpetuating stereotypes among non-Jews. There are other forms of Jewish humor, like the stories of Sholom Aleichem, but those are outside the scope of this source sheet. Many Jews have gone into comedy over the years (in 1978 Time Magazine reported that 80% of professional American comedians were Jewish), and the culture of Jewish jokes has contributed to that.

Context: This is from the Babylonian Talmud, Masechet (Tractate) Shabbat, which is about Shabbat (logically enough). In one of the discussions about Shabbat, a question is brought up based on a verse in Ecclesiastes / Kohelet. This leads to a discussion about places where Ecclesiastes seems to contradict itself, and in the process of resolving those apparent contradictions we get our text.

Why would it be helpful to start class with a joke?

Some Jokes

Unless otherwise noted, these jokes come from Rabbi Joseph Telushkin’s book Jewish Humor: What the Best Jewish Jokes Say About the Jews (1992)

A Jew was shipwrecked at sea and marooned on a desert island. When a passing vehicle picked him up five years later the crew noticed that he had built not only a house but two buildings with Jewish stars on them. When they asked him about the first one he said that that was the synagogue. Then they asked him about the other building that had a Jewish star on it. "That?,” he replied, “that’s the synagogue I wouldn't step foot in!”

What aspect of Jewish life is this commenting on?

Note that there is a Welsh version of this joke but not an Italian version, probably because Welsh nonconformist Protestantism, like Judaism, allows for individual choice rather than one overarching religious figure such as the Pope. The Welsh version of the joke also involves building an electric generator.

An elegantly dressed man starts up the steps of a large temple on Yom Kippur. At the front door, a security guard stops him: “Are you a member of this synagogue, sir?” the guard asks.

“No.”

“Did you purchase a ticket to attend Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur services here?”

“No, I did not,” the man says.

“I’m sorry,” the guard says, “but you are forbidden to enter the synagogue then.”

The man is desperate. “I have a very important message to give to Mr. Brian Goldstein. It’s a matter of the greatest importance, an emergency. You must let me in to speak with him.”

“OK, OK,” the guard finally says. “I’ll let you in, but don’t let me catch you praying!”

What aspect of Jewish life is this commenting on?

In fairness, synagogue is about more than just praying. There are three Hebrew names for a synagogue: Beit Tefillah (House of Prayer), Beit Midrash (House of Study), and Beit Knesset (House of Assembly), and it's the last one that is most commonly used. In fact, the word "synagogue" is Greek for "people together".

A new rabbi notices that when the Torah is being brought around everybody ducks at a certain point in the back of the Sanctuary. He asks the synagogue president why, but she doesn’t know. He asks the older people who come to shul every week, but they can’t explain it either. Finally, he goes to the Jewish Home to visit Mr. Schwartz, the oldest living member of the congregation.

"Mr. Schwartz, why do we duck at the back of the Sanctuary when we bring the Torah around?"

“I don’t know why you do it now, but in the old building we had a pipe that was too low at the back of the Sanctuary.”

What aspect of Jewish life is this commenting on?

This is a cousin of a joke that is in Telushkin’s book about a synagogue where every week there is an argument between the people who stand and the people who sit for the Shema. The oldest member of the congregation says that neither standing nor sitting was the custom originally, but rather arguing about it.

There is another similar joke about a girl who notices that her mother cuts the end of the brisket off and tucks it on the side when she puts it in the pan. She asks her mother why she does it that way, and her mother says that her mother always did it that way. So the girl asks her grandmother and is told that her mother always did it that way. Finally, they all go to visit the great-grandmother in the nursing home. "Why do we always cut off the end of the brisket in our family?" "I don't know why you do it, but I never had a pan big enough!"

A rabbi suffers a severe heart attack and is confined to the hospital for several weeks. The synagogue's president pays him a visit.

“I want you to know, Rabbi, that last night the board of directors voted a resolution wishing you a speedy recovery. And it passed, 12 to 9.”

What aspect of Jewish life is this commenting on?

A synagogue sent out the following questionnaire with its High Holiday packet:

Please check off your own areas of interest so that we can see you during services with people who have shared interests. Do you prefer to sit near people who A. Talk about the stock market? B. Share neighborhood gossip? C. Sit quietly and actually pray? Or D. Talk about sports?

What aspect of Jewish life is this commenting on?

A Jewish woman is pushing her double-stroller when she is stopped by a passer-by.

"Your children are so cute! How old are they?"

"The lawyer is 3 and the doctor is 1."

What aspect of Jewish life is this commenting on?

This is a cousin of the joke in Telushkin's book: Which Jew becomes an accountant?

A Jewish boy who stutters and who can’t stand the sight of blood.

Also, it should be stated that Jews can be found in many many professions and that is how it should be. Moreover, these sorts of jokes can perpetuate stereotypes among non-Jews and make Jews feel bad if they feel like they aren't fitting into expected boxes, so be very very careful when you tell this sort of joke.

An ultra-Orthodox Jew dies and goes to Heaven. He arrives in time for dinner, and when he sits down an angel comes to take his order.

“Pardon me for asking, but who is the mashgiach here?”

“Why G-d Himself makes sure that everything is kosher!”

“ I think I’ll just have the fruit plate.”

What aspect of Jewish life is this commenting on?

This is a cousin of a joke in the Telushkin book that says that in the World to Come people can dine on either the Re’em (a giant wild ox) or the Leviathan (a giant fish) in case there are people who don’t trust the kosher status of the meat.

Two Jews are shipwrecked on a deserted island. One of them notices that the other one seems very calm.

“Why aren’t you concerned about our situation?”

“Every year I give a very large donation to the Jewish Federation annual campaign. I’m confident they’ll find me!”

What aspect of Jewish life is this commenting on?

This is a cousin of a joke in the Telushkin book about a man who is asked by his local Federation why he doesn’t give to them since they know that he has so much money. He says that they might not know that he has many family members who are in dire financial straits, and if he doesn’t give to them why would he give to Federation?

At four in the morning, a line is forming in front of a meat market in Moscow. At eight a vendor appears, sees the length of the line, and says: “Comrades, we are sorry, there won’t be enough meat for all these people. We have to ask all the Jewish comrades to leave.”

One hour later the vendor opens the window and says: “We are sorry, but we’ve been informed that we will receive less meat than expected. We must kindly ask all non-party members to leave.”

When only party members are left in the line, the manager appears and says: “Comrades, now that we are among ourselves, I can tell you that owing to unpredicted circumstances, our allocation of meat has been canceled. We won’t have any meat this week.”

This time the people get angry: “Those damn Jews get all the privileges.”

What aspect of Jewish life is this commenting on?

In the early 1900s, an old Jew is traveling alone in his compartment on the Trans-Siberian Railroad. The train stops and an officer in the Czar’s army gets on. He and the Jew travel for a while in silence. Suddenly the officer grabs the Jew by the lapels and demands: “Tell me, why are you Jews so much brighter than everyone else?”

The Jew is silent a moment, then responds: “It’s because of the herring we eat.”

The officer quiets down and the trip resumes. Soon the Jew is taking out a piece of herring and starts to eat it. The officer asks him: “How many more pieces of hearing do you have?”

“A dozen.”

“How much do you want for them?”

“Twenty rubles”, a big sum of money.

The officer takes out the money and gives it to the Jew. The old man gives him the herring, and the officer takes a bite. Suddenly he stops. “This is ridiculous,” he says. “In Moscow I could have bought all this herring for a few kopeks”.

“You see,” says the Jew, “it’s working already.”

What aspect of Jewish life is this commenting on?

Mr. Goldstein is returning by train from New York City to Glens Falls, a small town in upstate New York. Seated next to him on the train is a young man he doesn’t know. As the ride is long, Goldstein starts a conversation with the young man. His name is Alan Levine and he is also heading for Glens Falls.

“Are you going there on business?” Goldstein asks.

“No. It’s a social visit.”

“Do you have relatives there?”

“No.”

“Are you married?”

“No, I am not.”

Goldstein thinks to himself: “He’s going to Glens Falls, he’s not married, it’s not business, and he has no relatives there. So why is he going? Obviously to meet a girl or, more likely, her family. Perhaps to confirm their engagement? But with whom? There are only three Jewish families apart from mine in Glens Falls, the Resnicks, the Feldsteins, and the Cohens. It couldn’t be the Resnicks. Resnick only has sons. The Feldsteins have two girls, but one is married and the other is studying in Europe for the year. It must be the Cohens. They have three daughters: Marsha, Sheila, and Rachel. Marsha is already married. Sheila is too young. So it must be Rachel. Yes, Rachel! A wonderful girl.”

With this, Goldstein breaks the silence and smiles at the stranger. “Well, congratulations on your forthcoming marriage to Rachel Cohen.”

“But,” the young man exclaims, "we haven't told anybody. How did you know?”

“Why, it’s obvious,” answers Goldstein.

What aspect of Jewish life is this commenting on?

An old Jew is minding his own business when he is accosted by a Nazi.

“Swine! Tell me who is responsible for Germany’s economic problems!”

“Why, the Jews, of course.”

“That’s a good Jew.”

“And,” the Jew continued, “the bicycle riders.”

“The bicycle riders? Why the bicycle riders?”

The Jew shrugged. “Why the Jews?”

What aspect of Jewish life is this commenting on?

This joke is in The Big Book of Jewish Humor. Some versions of it replace the bicycle riders with the pretzel makers. The joke goes back to the Nazi era (https://medium.com/read-or-die-hq/the-jews-and-the-bicycle-riders-e8d28d65d0ce).

A Reform Jew goes to his Rabbi, very depressed.

“My son,” he says, “has become very orthodox. He goes full-time to a yeshiva, and claims that everything in our house is unkosher, so he can never eat with us. And worst of all, he’s influenced our daughter. She’s left the house and gone to study at some super Orthodox seminary for women.”

“And what about your younger son?” the Rabbi asks. “The one who was at Stanford?”

“That’s the worst case of all,” the man answers. “He got hooked up with some Hasidim, and now lives at a yeshiva in Israel.”

“Have you thought of checking your mezuzot?” the rabbi asked.

What aspect of Jewish life is this commenting on?

Note that some Orthodox Jews ascribe problems to the text inside the mezuzah on the doorpost becoming illegible.

In the late 1930s, a Jew is traveling on the subway reading a Yiddish newspaper, The Forward. Suddenly, to his shock, he spots a friend of his sitting just opposite him, reading the local New York Nazi newspaper. He glares at his friend in anger: “How can you read that Nazi rag?”

Unabashed, the friend looks up at him. “So what are you reading, The Forward? And what do you read there? In America, there is a Depression going on, and the Jews are assimilating. In Palestine, the Arabs are rioting and killing Jews. In Germany, they are taking away all our rights. You sit there, and read all about it, and get more and more depressed. I read the Nazi newspaper: We own all the banks. We control all the governments. It puts me in a very good mood.”

What aspect of Jewish life is this commenting on?

In a small European city, the priest, widely acknowledged as an expert on the Bible and the Hebrew language, challenges any Jew to debate him [as was common in Europe for centuries]. The disputation is to have a unique format. Each party will ask the other to translate the Hebrew term. The first party incapable of doing so will immediately be executed.

The local Rabbi is terrified because he knows that the priests knowledge of Hebrew is greater than his. The Jewish community is in a quandary; they realize that whoever enters the debate will die.

Finally a simple Jewish laborer comes forward. “I am willing to debate the priest,” he says.

The debate is arranged, and the laborer is permitted to ask the first question. “What does ani lo yode’a mean?”

The priest answers, “I don’t know” (which is what the two Hebrew words literally mean) and is immediately put to death.

The Jewish community is greatly impressed by the laborer's ingenuity. They make a celebration in his honor, and one of the guests asked him: “Where did you ever get the idea to ask the priest such a question?”

The laborer answers: “I grew up in a village near here, and the Rabbi there was a very big scholar, much bigger than the Rabbi here. And somebody once told me to ask him, ‘What does ani lo yode’a mean?’ I asked him, and he told me, ‘I don’t know.’ So I figured, if that Rabbi, who was such a scholar, didn’t know, how could this priest know?”

What aspect of Jewish life is this commenting on?

Ignace Paderewski, Poland’s post-World War I premier, was discussing his country’s problems with President Woodrow Wilson.

“If our demands are not met at the conference table,” he said, “I can foresee serious trouble in my country. Why, my people will be so irritated that many of them will go out and massacre the Jews.”

“And what will happen if your demands are granted?” asked President Wilson.

“Why, my people will be so happy that they will get drunk and go out and massacre the Jews.”

What aspect of Jewish life is this commenting on?

This joke was circulating for more than 2 decades before the Holocaust.

An elderly Jewish woman sets out from her home in Brooklyn for India. She travels by foot over hilltops in mountains. She crosses valleys and streams, and finally she arrives in a small rural village alongside a steep mountain. At the top of the mountain is an ashram housing a great spiritual leader, the guru Baba Ganesh.

It takes all the woman’s determination, and many long hours, to reach the mountaintop. There she announces that he has come to see the guru.

“Oh, that is impossible,” the guru’s assistant tells her. “Nobody is allowed to see the great guru for the next six months.”

“I must see him,” the old woman cries. And she sits at the doorstep of the ashram without food and water for three days.

“The keeper of the gate is desperate and finally makes her an offer. “OK, you can go in and see our leader, but you must promise to say no more than three words.”

The woman promises, and the man leads her down a long marble walkway. Tapestries in flowing fabrics cover the walls. They turn into a room at the end of the hall and enter through the archway. A young man is sitting on a bamboo mat in a yoga position, chanting, “Om chanti”.

The woman steps in front of him, and pleads, “Come home, Sheldon.”

What aspect of Jewish life is this commenting on?

A Jew, desperate to be admitted to a fancy country club, knows he can’t get in because he’s Jewish. So he converts and applied for membership.

“What is your name?” the application committee chairman asked him.

He gives one of those pompous constructions like “Hutchinson River Parkway the Third.”

“And what is your profession?”

“I own a seat on the New York Stock Exchange, and I also have an estate where I raise horses.”

He looks like a shoo-in for membership. “One last question, sir. What is your religion?”

“My religion? Why, I am a goy.”

What aspect of Jewish life is this commenting on?

Note that “goy” means “non-Jew”, coming from the Hebrew word for “a people”. It is often but not always used derogatorily.

A Jew comes home from synagogue and tells his wife: “They say the Messiah is coming any day, and will take us all to Israel.”

The wife becomes hysterical. “Oh no! It would be terrible. It took years until we could finally move into this neighborhood, and buy the house we wanted. Now we’ve spent a fortune fixing it up. I don’t want the Messiah to take us away.”

“OK, OK, don’t worry,” the husband says. “We survived Pharaoh, we survived Haman With God’s help, will survive the Messiah too!”

What aspect of Jewish life is this commenting on?

“Do you fast on Tzom Gedaliah?” a Jew asks his friend.

“No,” the man answers.

“Why not?”

“I have not one reason, but three. First, if Gedaliah had not died when he did, he would be long dead by now anyway. Second, if I had died first, Gedaliah would not have fasted for me. And third, if I don’t fast on Yom Kippur, why should I fast on Tzom Gedaliah?”

What aspect of Jewish life is this commenting on?

Tzom Gedaliah is a fast day the day after Rosh Hashanah. It commemorates when the last Jewish governor of Judea was assassinated by a fellow Jew because Gedaliah was willing to work with the Babylonians to preserve some vestige of Jewish independence.

An American, an Englishman, and an Israeli are captured by cannibals. They are each permitted one last wish before being thrown into an enormous boiling pot.

The American takes off his wedding ring, and gives it to the cannibal chief. “Please have this sent back to my wife.”

The Englishman asked permission to sing “God save the Queen”.

The Israeli says to the chief, “I want you to give me a very hard kick in the behind.”

The chief complies and sends the Israeli sprawling, but when he gets up, he whips out a gun and shoots the chief dead, then starts firing at the other cannibals until they all flee.

The American and Englishman are very grateful but puzzled. “Why did you tell him to kick you in the behind first? Why didn’t you just take out the gun right away?”

“Oh, that I couldn’t do,” the Israeli says. “I didn’t want to be denounced as the aggressor.”

What aspect of Jewish life is this commenting on?

A group of elderly, retired men gathers each morning at a café in Tel Aviv. They drink their coffee and sit for hours discussing the world situation. Given the state of the world, their talks usually are depressing. One day, one of the men startles the others by announcing, “You know what? I am an optimist.”

The others are shocked, but then one of them notices something fishy. “Wait a minute! If you’re an optimist, why do you look so worried?”

“You think it’s easy to be an optimist?”

What aspect of Jewish life is this commenting on?

An English Jew, a prominent novelist and intellectual, is informed that he will be knighted. The Queen’s protocol officials preparing him and other knights-to-be for the ceremony. He is informed that, when he stands before the queen, he is to recite certain Latin words left before being knighted.

On the day of the ceremony, the man is very nervous and, sure enough, when he approaches the queen, he forgets the Latin expression. As precious seconds tick by the only non-English words that he knows pour out of him: “Ma nishtana ha-laila ha-zeh mi-kol ha-leilot?” The queen, confused, turns to her protocol officer and asks: “Why is this knight different from all other knights?”

What aspect of Jewish life is this commenting on?

The Hebrew phrase “Ma nishtana ha-laila ha-zeh mi-kol ha-leilot?“ comes from the Four Questions at the Passover Seder and literally means “Why is this night different from all other nights?”

Jewish Joke Resources (a non-exhaustive list)

- A Treasury of Jewish Humor, by Nathan Ausubel (1951)

- Encyclopedia of Jewish Humor, by Henry Spalding (1969)

- The Big Book of Jewish Humor, by William Novak and Moshe Waldoks (1981)

- Leo Rosten’s Giant Book of Laughter (1985)

- Laughing Through the Years, by David Gross (1991)

- Jewish Humor: What the Best Jewish Jokes Say About the Jews, by Rabbi Joseph Telushkin (1992)

- Oy! The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes, by David Minkoff (2005)

- Jewish Comedy: A Serious History, by Jeremy Dauber (2017)

- https://momentmag.com/best-jewish-joke/ - Jewish comedians sharing their favorite Jewish joke and why they chose it

- https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/accepting-absurdity - thoughts about Jewish humor

- https://youtube.com/@oldjewstellingjokes5220?si=ewfR_05wvmzmSJBA - a YouTube channel of Old Jews Telling Jokes

Appendix: Thoughts on Jewish Humor

From: Simon Aronin

Sholem Aleichem's stories (not just the Tevye series) were prime examples of Jewish humor (much of it in Yiddish) in late 19th century and early 20th century. Not laugh out loud stories, but humorous characters and events embodying both joy and sadness. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sholem_Aleichem

Earlier Jewish humor can be found in the Talmud, but more recently in folklore and the stories about Hershele Ostropoler. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hershel_of_Ostropol

and, later, tales of the Wise Men of Chelm, whose solutions to problems were unique, to say the least.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wise_Men_of_Chelm

20th century America saw the rise of a new form of Jewish humor, Jewish jokes, from comedians and writers with immigrant Ashkenazi roots.

Questions related to Jewish jokes for the class :

1. Name Jewish comedians from your lifetime.

2. What are some of the characteristics of Jewish jokes? [e.g., schadenfreude, self-deprecation, questioning G-d, religious practice, etc.]

3. What are your favorite punchlines from Jewish jokes, without telling the body of the joke?

4. What are your favorite Jewish jokes?

5. What are other examples of Jewish humor?

Here is an overview of Jewish humor.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jewish_humor