Part I. Sacred Unity
Yosef’s Reveal
Everyone remembers the story of how Yosef Hatzaddik had disguised himself from his brothers as the mishneh lamelech of Pharaoh until the time came to reveal to them who he really was. וְלֹא יָכֹל יוֹסֵף לְהִתְאַפֵּק – He couldn’t restrain himself any longer and now he was about to announce to his brothers, אֲנִי יוֹסֵף – It’s me, your long-lost brother Yosef (Bereishis 45:1-3).
But before he would make himself known to his brothers, he made an announcement: וַיִּקְרָא הוֹצִיאוּ כָל אִישׁ מֵעָלָי – He called out, “Everyone else, leave the room.” He wanted all the foreigners, all the Egyptians, to leave. And now, only now when וְלֹא עָמַד אִישׁ אִתּוֹ – nobody was standing with him in the palace except for his brothers, בְּהִתְוַדַּע יוֹסֵף אֶל אֶחָיו – that’s when Yosef made himself known to his brothers (ibid.).
Areilim Arois!
Now, that’s a question: Why did Yosef insist that nobody should witness this reunion of the brothers?
So Rashi (ibid.) says לֹא הָיָה יָכוֹל לִסְבֹּל – Yosef couldn’t bear, שֶׁיִּהְיוּ מִצְרִים נִצָּבִים עָלָיו – that the Egyptians should be standing there. Why? Rashi says because he didn’t want the Egyptians to see how his brothers would be ashamed or embarrassed when he would say ‘Ani Yosef’.
Now Rashi says his reason and it certainly is a true and good reason. But it’s a prat, it’s one detail; there is a more general reason. That by the way is a principle that you have to know when you’re learning Rashi and maamarei Chazal in general. They don’t always say the full pshat; they say a chiddush, an addition, a detail of the pshat. And that’s what Rashi’s doing here – he’s telling us one detail of the pshat.
The Plain Pshat
But the pshat is said by the possuk itself. The possuk states Yosef Hatzaddik didn’t want any stranger to be present when he was about to be reunited with his brothers. That’s the plain meaning – where there will be a reunion of brothers, a gentile doesn’t belong.
Why not? What’s the problem with witnessing the reunion of long-lost brothers, the love between them? I saw that once – it wasn’t even a Jewish family – a few Italian brothers were meeting each other after being separated for more than ten years and they were bawling; they were crying like little children. I appreciated that. It was something to see. And so what would have been so bad if the Mitzrim saw some brotherly love among Jews? Maybe they would have learned a thing or two.
And the answer is, it’s true, I’m sure the Mitzrim would have benefited; but there was a reason they couldn’t remain. And that’s because it wasn’t an Italian reunion – it was a Jewish reunion; a reunion of Jewish brothers, of the Shivtei Kah. And therefore it was too holy of an occasion for outsiders, too holy of a place for the gentile to be present.
Place of Holiness
That’s a fundamental truth that Hakadosh Baruch Hu taught us about this world: there are times and places where the Shechinah is present to such a degree that it warrants keeping the goyim out; some things are just too holy for their presence.
Let’s take the Beis Hamikdash for example. A goy cannot come into the Mikdash (Keilim 1:8); even where temei’im are permitted, a goy wasn’t allowed. There was a sign hanging outside of the Beis Hamikdash in Latin, “If a non-Jew enters these precincts he’ll be put to death.” And the goyim were very careful because the beis din shel kohanim would execute any gentile who was caught in the forbidden precincts! They would take him outside of the azarah and put him to death.
And the Roman government approved of that because even they understood that gentiles have no right to come into the Sanctuary. To a superficial extent they understood: What’s a goy doing in the holy place of the Jews?
We of course understand it more. A goy should come into the place of an especial degree of hashraas ha’Shechinah?! If it’s a place where the Shechinah comes down then it’s something especially for His children. To allow a gentile there would be a sacrilege, a degradation of the importance of that place.
Time of Holiness
Same with the kedushah of Shabbos. Now Shabbos is not a place but it’s a chiddush of the Torah that time can also possess kedushah; certain days are more holy than others and Shabbos is the most sacred of all. וַיְבָרֶךְ אֱלֹקִים אֶת יוֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִי וַיְקַדֵּשׁ אֹתוֹ (Bereishis 2:3) means that Hashem imparted a kedushah into the time, the day itself.
And there too we know that goyim are not allowed. Like it says in the siddur, in the Shabbos tefillah, בִּמְנוּחָתוֹ לֹא יִשְׁכְּנוּ עֲרֵלִים – no goyim are able to come into our day of rest. It means that Shabbos is off-limits to them; it’s too holy for areilim, for the uncircumcised.
That’s why נָכְרִי שֶׁשָּׁבַת חַיָּב מִיתָה – A gentile is chayav misah if he keeps Shabbos (Sanhedrin 58b); it’s because he’s going where he doesn’t belong. It’s like walking into a Beis Hamikdash; he’s trampling on sacred ground. Shabbos is a special sanctuary only for am Hashem, for the holy people, and if you’re not from Am Yisroel and you walk there anyhow, you’re chayav misah. It doesn’t mean you should go out and shoot him, but Hakadosh Baruch Hu will take care of him.
Saving a Gentile’s Life
Once a man, a goy, came to me. I was in my office in Chaim Berlin and someone knocked on my door. He’s standing there wearing a banjo on his back and he tells me he’s contemplating becoming a ger. He wants to be Jewish and someone told him he should speak to me.
“I’ve been keeping Shabbos a long time already,” he tells me.
So I said, “Stop! It’s dangerous; don’t do that! Every Shabbos, switch on the light at least once.” Because it’s not for them! Just like the Mikdash is a place of the Shechinah, Shabbos is a time of the Shechinah; it’s a sanctuary of time that is too holy for strangers. If you’re not from the holy nation then the holy day is not for you.
Holiness of Reconciliation
And we come back to our subject, to Yosef and his brothers. Why did Yosef have to send out the Mitzrim? Because just like the Mikdash and Shabbos are too holy for outsiders – there’s too much Shechinah there to allow the presence of goyim – when Jews reconcile, that’s also a place of kedushah. It’s a place where the Shechinah comes with an intensity that is not found elsewhere. Jewish reunions are very holy!
Don’t think it’s easy to reconcile. It means a commitment to be mevater, to overlook things; what it means is that you’ll have to make yourself into a person who is more shaleim in his middos bein adam lachaveiro.
Yosef Hatzaddik had been separated from his brothers for very many years. And there had been friction; trouble and recriminations. There was jealousy and rivalry; and now they are coming together again which means shleimus hamiddos.
And that’s the kedushah that was there at that time. The perfection of character is what makes a place holy! At that moment, when Yosef met his brothers again after so many years, it was a time of such kedushah that no stranger had a right to be present. It was mammash a Beis Hamikdash and therefore לֹא עָמַד אִישׁ אִתּוֹ – no stranger was permitted to stand there, בְּהִתְוַדַּע יוֹסֵף אֶל אֶחָיו – when Yosef re-joined his brothers (Bereishis 45:1).
Better Than Poetry
It’s not just a form of speech, some poetic words, that the shleimus hamiddos of achdus is holy. No; it’s very real, very tangible. The ichud, the union of frum Jews is so pleasing to Hashem that He chooses to rest His Presence there more than anywhere else. It’s so holy that goyim can’t even be present.
Later, when the Egyptians inquired, “Why did you give this order that we should leave? What was going on in there when we left?” so Yosef could say “Oh, I’m sorry about that but my brothers might have been embarrassed. I didn’t want to put them through that in public.” That’s the right thing to tell a goy – and it’s true too. But there’s a deeper reason, a much more important reason, and that was the kedushah of the reuniting of Yosef and his brothers, the kedushah that comes from the perfection of character that is achieved when people are forced to get along.
To be b’shalom, b’achdus, getting along with others, means learning how to bend and twist your desires to the whims and quirks of your fellow man. It has to be that way, otherwise it’s impossible to be together. There’s a tremendous perfection of character that comes along with reconciliation.
Kol Nidrei Holiness
That’s one of the reasons, by the way, why Yom Kippur, Kol Nidrei night, is so holy for the Am Yisroel. Among the other aspects of kedushah that it has, there is something special that makes it even more kadosh: Kol Nidrei night is a time when people have reconciled; they’ve made up with each other.
Al pi halachah that’s what they have to do because אֵין יוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים מְכַפֵּר עַד שֶׁיְּרַצֶּה אֶת חֲבֵרוֹ – Yom Kippur won’t help you for sins against your fellow Jew unless you appease him first (Yuma 85b). And therefore everyone is careful to reconcile. Every married man before he leaves the house to go to the beis haknesses on Yom Kippur night asks his wife to forgive him and she asks him to forgive her. Everyone, every man, every woman, every child tries as much as possible to reconcile with their fellow Jews before Yom Kippur. You do what you can to forget about your hakpadahs, to appease and be appeased.
And then they all come together to the beis haknesses with the kedushah of togetherness and just that alone is why there’s a very great kedushah on Kol Nidrei night. Hashem’s chosen people have reconciled!
Born To Break
Now, it could be that we don’t appreciate that; we don’t understand how important the perfection of character is, what a kedushah it is when a person breaks his middos. You know, the Gra says in his sefer Even Shleimah that the most important function of a Jew is to learn to break his middos; shviras hamiddos. And if he won’t do that, lamah lo chaim, what’s the purpose of living? You hear that? A remarkable statement! And the Gra wasn’t a man who said rash things. He didn’t exaggerate. The purpose of life is to break your character traits; breaking your arrogance, your gaavah, breaking your ka’as, becoming a patient man, breaking your selfishness, breaking your machlokes with other people.
“I want to do it this way.” But the other thinks his way is the way. So you give in. You break your will. And even sometimes when you can’t but you try to be diplomatic. You bend this way and that way; you twist yourself to get along with everybody. And you’re fulfilling your purpose in life because you’re perfecting yourself. That’s what the Vilna Gaon says.
Now, you can be sure that Yosef Hatzaddik understood that even more than the Vilna Gaon. He understood what it meant to be reunited with his brothers. Not just one brother; all his brothers. And what kind of brothers? The Shivtei Kah! And so it was to him like the Beis Hamikdash and Shabbos. That’s what it means, the kedushah of perfection of character.
Part II. Married Unity
Selfish Marriage
Now you might be surprised to hear this but that’s why it’s so important to be married. You know, some people think that marriage is for the purpose of building a family but actually that’s a separate subject. You have to know that marriage, even without children, is a very important form of perfection.
You’ll have a big family im yirtzeh Hashem but we’re talking now about something even more important than building a family; we’re talking about building yourself. The greatest achievement of a home – and I use the word ‘greatest’ bli guzmah, without exaggeration – is the shleimus hamiddos that you yourself acquire by living together in a house with someone else.
You know, a bachelor can be selfish and stubborn and arrogant and everything else, and he can still think he’s the biggest tzaddik. Why? Because he never had any conflict with somebody else’s will. But then he gets married and suddenly he discovers that not only is he an akshan with bad middos but his wife also is an akshan; she’s also selfish and a ba’al ga’avah.
Sanding Stones
And even if she’s the perfect wife, sugar and spice and everything nice, but she has her own ways of thinking. Women are entirely different from men; they have different minds. Even though she’s from the Bais Yaakov and he’s from the yeshivah, and so to some extent they have interests in common, but it’s still not the same. Some women are surprised when they discover that their husbands are men. But that’s the plan – she’s a woman and he’s a man, and they’re going to rub against each other.
Now what happens when two stones with rough edges rub against each other for a long time? They are smoothed out. Living with another person means that you are constantly being put on the emery wheel on which diamonds are polished; constantly you must polish your rough edges in order to live under one roof together.
To get along with a woman, to get along with a man – a man is a very troublesome creature and a woman is also a troublesome creature – and when two troublesome people get together and force themselves to get along, they make use of the opportunities, so after a while they become smooth diamonds – their characters are polished.
What’s So Good About Marriage?
And that’s why when Hakadosh Baruch Hu was contemplating creating the woman, He said, לֹא טוֹב הֱיוֹת הָאָדָם לְבַדּוֹ – It’s not good for a man to be alone (Bereishis 2:18). What does it mean ‘it’s not good’? Some people like it very much to not be bothered with people.
The answer is that a person can’t become ‘good’ if he’s not bothered by his fellow man. A man’s middos, his character doesn’t develop when he’s alone. He does what he wants; he does as he pleases. Here’s a bachelor; he lives by himself. He told me that he has a telephone book and when he eats milchigs so he opens up to a page in the book and that’s his milchig mat. Then if he’s going to have chicken for supper, so he turns the page in the telephone book and that’s his fleishig mat. The next day he turns again. A true story! Next year he’ll get a new telephone book and start all over again.
Now, try that with a wife in the house. It won’t work; it won’t fly. With a woman in the house you have to learn how to behave. It doesn’t matter what you want, what you think is better – there’s always another opinion here and you have to learn how to yield, how to accommodate yourself to somebody else, to get accustomed to living with somebody else.
For Perfection’s Sake!
Let’s say she tells you certain things that she wants you to do – she wants you to do this in this and this way, so even though you think you have a better way, obey her anyhow. Give her the feeling of nachas ruach that you’re following her system of doing things. And her with him; same thing.
Why do you have to have it your way? Bend your will to hers. And even sometimes it may be a little inconvenient to you, nevertheless, give up a little convenience for the sake of gaining the perfection of adjusting, of bending, of self-control and humility.
So the years go by and both of you have to struggle. Constantly you have to grit your teeth. Constantly you have to swallow your anger. Constantly you have to swallow your hurt. Your words too! You have to swallow your words. It can’t be helped!
Again and again, you must be oimed b’nisayon and it means that you’re changing. Every day you’re becoming better and softer and wiser and more patient and more humble. All of your rough edges are being smoothed out. Don’t think it’s nothing. It’s everything! It’s the reason why Hashem made it that way; it’s the purpose of marriage. That’s the tov of marriage.
A Special Visitor
And it’s such a great achievement when a husband and wife live together with that ideal of shleimus hamiddos that אִישׁ וְאִשָּׁה שָׁלוֹם בֵּינֵיהֶם – if they can live together more or less in harmony, שְׁכִינָה בֵּינֵיהֶם – Hakadosh Baruch Hu himself is happy to be among them (Sotah 17a).
Isn’t that a remarkable statement? We should sit and study those words all our lives! How can it be that the Shechinah should come down between an ordinary Mr. and Mrs.?! Alright, they’re shomrei mitzvos, but they’re not the gedolei hador. It’s not a Beis Hamikdash. Why should the Shechinah come down?
And the answer is, it is a Beis Hamikdash! A home where shalom is practiced, where good character is formed, that makes them kadosh and it’s such a shleimus, such a great achievement, that Hakadosh Baruch Hu says, “Yes, that’s where I’m going to be. A place where two people are dedicated to a career of getting along, of constant shleimus hamiddos, that’s the place of holiness where I’ll come in.”
Better Late Than Never
And even if somebody didn’t start out on the right foot, even though they’re married many years, even twenty, thirty years later, they could always make a new beginning. The opportunity for bringing the Shechinah into the home is still open for everyone.
And so it’s a good idea to make a decision, starting today, no matter what, each one will try to be gentle and to speak politely. He might get on her nerves — he’s so stubborn, so rude – but she bends; she yields and overlooks and ignores. She stifles her desire to respond. If she must say something, she should go to the bathroom and run the water and flush the toilet and say it – only he shouldn’t hear. That’s a greatness on her part. Every time she bends, her character improves and she becomes more of a kadosh.
And he? Same thing. You know women are many times nervous. Women go through certain periods of difficulties. בְּעֶצֶב תֵּלְדִי בָּנִים – Having children is not easy and managing children, a house of children, sometimes drives women almost crazy. And many times they’re nervous and wild and unreasonable. Very good. That’s your opportunity to smooth your rough edges.
The Great Accomplishment
And so each one tries as much as possible to stifle their desire to misbehave and to respond to the foolishness of the other. It’s not always easy – sometimes you fall – but you get up again. You break your arrogance a little more and you apologize. Again and again, you yield one to the other.
You know what they’re accomplishing? Not only are they keeping out of divorce court and guaranteeing that they’ll walk their grandchildren down to the chuppah together – that’s excellent – but even better, they are achieving shleimus of character!
Now, once you understand what an opportunity marriage is, so you’ll introduce certain minhagim that’ll help both lubricate the relationship and lubricate the middos. You want to ask for something, if you’d always say, “Please,” to each other, does it cost money? You always say, “Thank you,” to each other.
Not only the first year. Always! Always show appreciation. Always gratitude. Hakaras hatov is the foundation of the pure neshamah; to train yourself in the attitude of being grateful, absolutely it’s a perfection of the neshamah.
Singing Her Praises
Not only politeness and gratitude. As much as possible find ways of giving compliments. Overcome your laziness and your stubbornness, and compliment her for the cooking. After supper tell her how good of a meal she served today. On Shabbos compliment the challah. “It tastes so good, so sweet.”
When you walk in from the beis medrash say, “How nice and clean your house is.” Or say, “You’re an expert manager – a good balabuste.” Say something from time to time! Anything! “You’re really an aishes chayil.”
It’s not natural? You don’t feel like saying it? That’s what the Vilna Gaon means when he says that shviras hamiddos is the purpose of life; breaking your bad character, breaking your natural inclinations. And so make sure to compliment your wife on her looks. Even when she’s an old lady, she still wants to hear how she looks. That’s how women are, that’s their nature. And don’t be stingy; be lavish with your praise. Always say good words about her appearance, as long as you’re alive.
Singing His Praises
And wives to their husbands – she has to show appreciation of the husband too. If the husband is oseik in Torah, she should praise him. If she sees he makes a brachah with kavanah she should praise him. “It’s a pleasure to hear you make kiddush,” or “It’s a pleasure to hear you say birkas hamazon.”
From time to time she should compliment him on bringing parnassah into the home. It’s not easy making a living and she should encourage him with a few words. Anything he does, she should utilize in order to gain shleimus for herself because her perfection is the way she deals with her husband.
Now, after a while you’ll get more opportunities. Children come along and that’s also an opportunity for the shleimus of good character. A father and mother have to get along with their children and each child is different from the next one. And the mother and father sometimes have different ideas about what to do about little Chaim and they have to cooperate with each other.
The Little Beis Hamikdash
They have to do it. They can’t help themselves; they’re chained together in marriage. And they have sons and daughters. They have to marry them off eventually and then their grandchildren come and then the families all the time are busy making peace with each other. With mechutanim you also have to get along.
It’s work. But it’s the best type of work because it’s the great achievement of character. They have perfected themselves with years of toiling, years of restraining themselves, of keeping their tempers, of being patient. And it’s so great that the place where it happens becomes a place of holiness – like Shabbos, like the Mikdash, it becomes a place of an especial presence of the Shechinah.
Because of the perfection of character that they both achieve, the area between the four walls of their home, their little humble abode, becomes a place of intense kedushah because the Shechinah dwells there with an intensity unmatched anywhere else.
Yosef’s Reveal
Everyone remembers the story of how Yosef Hatzaddik had disguised himself from his brothers as the mishneh lamelech of Pharaoh until the time came to reveal to them who he really was. וְלֹא יָכֹל יוֹסֵף לְהִתְאַפֵּק – He couldn’t restrain himself any longer and now he was about to announce to his brothers, אֲנִי יוֹסֵף – It’s me, your long-lost brother Yosef (Bereishis 45:1-3).
But before he would make himself known to his brothers, he made an announcement: וַיִּקְרָא הוֹצִיאוּ כָל אִישׁ מֵעָלָי – He called out, “Everyone else, leave the room.” He wanted all the foreigners, all the Egyptians, to leave. And now, only now when וְלֹא עָמַד אִישׁ אִתּוֹ – nobody was standing with him in the palace except for his brothers, בְּהִתְוַדַּע יוֹסֵף אֶל אֶחָיו – that’s when Yosef made himself known to his brothers (ibid.).
Areilim Arois!
Now, that’s a question: Why did Yosef insist that nobody should witness this reunion of the brothers?
So Rashi (ibid.) says לֹא הָיָה יָכוֹל לִסְבֹּל – Yosef couldn’t bear, שֶׁיִּהְיוּ מִצְרִים נִצָּבִים עָלָיו – that the Egyptians should be standing there. Why? Rashi says because he didn’t want the Egyptians to see how his brothers would be ashamed or embarrassed when he would say ‘Ani Yosef’.
Now Rashi says his reason and it certainly is a true and good reason. But it’s a prat, it’s one detail; there is a more general reason. That by the way is a principle that you have to know when you’re learning Rashi and maamarei Chazal in general. They don’t always say the full pshat; they say a chiddush, an addition, a detail of the pshat. And that’s what Rashi’s doing here – he’s telling us one detail of the pshat.
The Plain Pshat
But the pshat is said by the possuk itself. The possuk states Yosef Hatzaddik didn’t want any stranger to be present when he was about to be reunited with his brothers. That’s the plain meaning – where there will be a reunion of brothers, a gentile doesn’t belong.
Why not? What’s the problem with witnessing the reunion of long-lost brothers, the love between them? I saw that once – it wasn’t even a Jewish family – a few Italian brothers were meeting each other after being separated for more than ten years and they were bawling; they were crying like little children. I appreciated that. It was something to see. And so what would have been so bad if the Mitzrim saw some brotherly love among Jews? Maybe they would have learned a thing or two.
And the answer is, it’s true, I’m sure the Mitzrim would have benefited; but there was a reason they couldn’t remain. And that’s because it wasn’t an Italian reunion – it was a Jewish reunion; a reunion of Jewish brothers, of the Shivtei Kah. And therefore it was too holy of an occasion for outsiders, too holy of a place for the gentile to be present.
Place of Holiness
That’s a fundamental truth that Hakadosh Baruch Hu taught us about this world: there are times and places where the Shechinah is present to such a degree that it warrants keeping the goyim out; some things are just too holy for their presence.
Let’s take the Beis Hamikdash for example. A goy cannot come into the Mikdash (Keilim 1:8); even where temei’im are permitted, a goy wasn’t allowed. There was a sign hanging outside of the Beis Hamikdash in Latin, “If a non-Jew enters these precincts he’ll be put to death.” And the goyim were very careful because the beis din shel kohanim would execute any gentile who was caught in the forbidden precincts! They would take him outside of the azarah and put him to death.
And the Roman government approved of that because even they understood that gentiles have no right to come into the Sanctuary. To a superficial extent they understood: What’s a goy doing in the holy place of the Jews?
We of course understand it more. A goy should come into the place of an especial degree of hashraas ha’Shechinah?! If it’s a place where the Shechinah comes down then it’s something especially for His children. To allow a gentile there would be a sacrilege, a degradation of the importance of that place.
Time of Holiness
Same with the kedushah of Shabbos. Now Shabbos is not a place but it’s a chiddush of the Torah that time can also possess kedushah; certain days are more holy than others and Shabbos is the most sacred of all. וַיְבָרֶךְ אֱלֹקִים אֶת יוֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִי וַיְקַדֵּשׁ אֹתוֹ (Bereishis 2:3) means that Hashem imparted a kedushah into the time, the day itself.
And there too we know that goyim are not allowed. Like it says in the siddur, in the Shabbos tefillah, בִּמְנוּחָתוֹ לֹא יִשְׁכְּנוּ עֲרֵלִים – no goyim are able to come into our day of rest. It means that Shabbos is off-limits to them; it’s too holy for areilim, for the uncircumcised.
That’s why נָכְרִי שֶׁשָּׁבַת חַיָּב מִיתָה – A gentile is chayav misah if he keeps Shabbos (Sanhedrin 58b); it’s because he’s going where he doesn’t belong. It’s like walking into a Beis Hamikdash; he’s trampling on sacred ground. Shabbos is a special sanctuary only for am Hashem, for the holy people, and if you’re not from Am Yisroel and you walk there anyhow, you’re chayav misah. It doesn’t mean you should go out and shoot him, but Hakadosh Baruch Hu will take care of him.
Saving a Gentile’s Life
Once a man, a goy, came to me. I was in my office in Chaim Berlin and someone knocked on my door. He’s standing there wearing a banjo on his back and he tells me he’s contemplating becoming a ger. He wants to be Jewish and someone told him he should speak to me.
“I’ve been keeping Shabbos a long time already,” he tells me.
So I said, “Stop! It’s dangerous; don’t do that! Every Shabbos, switch on the light at least once.” Because it’s not for them! Just like the Mikdash is a place of the Shechinah, Shabbos is a time of the Shechinah; it’s a sanctuary of time that is too holy for strangers. If you’re not from the holy nation then the holy day is not for you.
Holiness of Reconciliation
And we come back to our subject, to Yosef and his brothers. Why did Yosef have to send out the Mitzrim? Because just like the Mikdash and Shabbos are too holy for outsiders – there’s too much Shechinah there to allow the presence of goyim – when Jews reconcile, that’s also a place of kedushah. It’s a place where the Shechinah comes with an intensity that is not found elsewhere. Jewish reunions are very holy!
Don’t think it’s easy to reconcile. It means a commitment to be mevater, to overlook things; what it means is that you’ll have to make yourself into a person who is more shaleim in his middos bein adam lachaveiro.
Yosef Hatzaddik had been separated from his brothers for very many years. And there had been friction; trouble and recriminations. There was jealousy and rivalry; and now they are coming together again which means shleimus hamiddos.
And that’s the kedushah that was there at that time. The perfection of character is what makes a place holy! At that moment, when Yosef met his brothers again after so many years, it was a time of such kedushah that no stranger had a right to be present. It was mammash a Beis Hamikdash and therefore לֹא עָמַד אִישׁ אִתּוֹ – no stranger was permitted to stand there, בְּהִתְוַדַּע יוֹסֵף אֶל אֶחָיו – when Yosef re-joined his brothers (Bereishis 45:1).
Better Than Poetry
It’s not just a form of speech, some poetic words, that the shleimus hamiddos of achdus is holy. No; it’s very real, very tangible. The ichud, the union of frum Jews is so pleasing to Hashem that He chooses to rest His Presence there more than anywhere else. It’s so holy that goyim can’t even be present.
Later, when the Egyptians inquired, “Why did you give this order that we should leave? What was going on in there when we left?” so Yosef could say “Oh, I’m sorry about that but my brothers might have been embarrassed. I didn’t want to put them through that in public.” That’s the right thing to tell a goy – and it’s true too. But there’s a deeper reason, a much more important reason, and that was the kedushah of the reuniting of Yosef and his brothers, the kedushah that comes from the perfection of character that is achieved when people are forced to get along.
To be b’shalom, b’achdus, getting along with others, means learning how to bend and twist your desires to the whims and quirks of your fellow man. It has to be that way, otherwise it’s impossible to be together. There’s a tremendous perfection of character that comes along with reconciliation.
Kol Nidrei Holiness
That’s one of the reasons, by the way, why Yom Kippur, Kol Nidrei night, is so holy for the Am Yisroel. Among the other aspects of kedushah that it has, there is something special that makes it even more kadosh: Kol Nidrei night is a time when people have reconciled; they’ve made up with each other.
Al pi halachah that’s what they have to do because אֵין יוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים מְכַפֵּר עַד שֶׁיְּרַצֶּה אֶת חֲבֵרוֹ – Yom Kippur won’t help you for sins against your fellow Jew unless you appease him first (Yuma 85b). And therefore everyone is careful to reconcile. Every married man before he leaves the house to go to the beis haknesses on Yom Kippur night asks his wife to forgive him and she asks him to forgive her. Everyone, every man, every woman, every child tries as much as possible to reconcile with their fellow Jews before Yom Kippur. You do what you can to forget about your hakpadahs, to appease and be appeased.
And then they all come together to the beis haknesses with the kedushah of togetherness and just that alone is why there’s a very great kedushah on Kol Nidrei night. Hashem’s chosen people have reconciled!
Born To Break
Now, it could be that we don’t appreciate that; we don’t understand how important the perfection of character is, what a kedushah it is when a person breaks his middos. You know, the Gra says in his sefer Even Shleimah that the most important function of a Jew is to learn to break his middos; shviras hamiddos. And if he won’t do that, lamah lo chaim, what’s the purpose of living? You hear that? A remarkable statement! And the Gra wasn’t a man who said rash things. He didn’t exaggerate. The purpose of life is to break your character traits; breaking your arrogance, your gaavah, breaking your ka’as, becoming a patient man, breaking your selfishness, breaking your machlokes with other people.
“I want to do it this way.” But the other thinks his way is the way. So you give in. You break your will. And even sometimes when you can’t but you try to be diplomatic. You bend this way and that way; you twist yourself to get along with everybody. And you’re fulfilling your purpose in life because you’re perfecting yourself. That’s what the Vilna Gaon says.
Now, you can be sure that Yosef Hatzaddik understood that even more than the Vilna Gaon. He understood what it meant to be reunited with his brothers. Not just one brother; all his brothers. And what kind of brothers? The Shivtei Kah! And so it was to him like the Beis Hamikdash and Shabbos. That’s what it means, the kedushah of perfection of character.
Part II. Married Unity
Selfish Marriage
Now you might be surprised to hear this but that’s why it’s so important to be married. You know, some people think that marriage is for the purpose of building a family but actually that’s a separate subject. You have to know that marriage, even without children, is a very important form of perfection.
You’ll have a big family im yirtzeh Hashem but we’re talking now about something even more important than building a family; we’re talking about building yourself. The greatest achievement of a home – and I use the word ‘greatest’ bli guzmah, without exaggeration – is the shleimus hamiddos that you yourself acquire by living together in a house with someone else.
You know, a bachelor can be selfish and stubborn and arrogant and everything else, and he can still think he’s the biggest tzaddik. Why? Because he never had any conflict with somebody else’s will. But then he gets married and suddenly he discovers that not only is he an akshan with bad middos but his wife also is an akshan; she’s also selfish and a ba’al ga’avah.
Sanding Stones
And even if she’s the perfect wife, sugar and spice and everything nice, but she has her own ways of thinking. Women are entirely different from men; they have different minds. Even though she’s from the Bais Yaakov and he’s from the yeshivah, and so to some extent they have interests in common, but it’s still not the same. Some women are surprised when they discover that their husbands are men. But that’s the plan – she’s a woman and he’s a man, and they’re going to rub against each other.
Now what happens when two stones with rough edges rub against each other for a long time? They are smoothed out. Living with another person means that you are constantly being put on the emery wheel on which diamonds are polished; constantly you must polish your rough edges in order to live under one roof together.
To get along with a woman, to get along with a man – a man is a very troublesome creature and a woman is also a troublesome creature – and when two troublesome people get together and force themselves to get along, they make use of the opportunities, so after a while they become smooth diamonds – their characters are polished.
What’s So Good About Marriage?
And that’s why when Hakadosh Baruch Hu was contemplating creating the woman, He said, לֹא טוֹב הֱיוֹת הָאָדָם לְבַדּוֹ – It’s not good for a man to be alone (Bereishis 2:18). What does it mean ‘it’s not good’? Some people like it very much to not be bothered with people.
The answer is that a person can’t become ‘good’ if he’s not bothered by his fellow man. A man’s middos, his character doesn’t develop when he’s alone. He does what he wants; he does as he pleases. Here’s a bachelor; he lives by himself. He told me that he has a telephone book and when he eats milchigs so he opens up to a page in the book and that’s his milchig mat. Then if he’s going to have chicken for supper, so he turns the page in the telephone book and that’s his fleishig mat. The next day he turns again. A true story! Next year he’ll get a new telephone book and start all over again.
Now, try that with a wife in the house. It won’t work; it won’t fly. With a woman in the house you have to learn how to behave. It doesn’t matter what you want, what you think is better – there’s always another opinion here and you have to learn how to yield, how to accommodate yourself to somebody else, to get accustomed to living with somebody else.
For Perfection’s Sake!
Let’s say she tells you certain things that she wants you to do – she wants you to do this in this and this way, so even though you think you have a better way, obey her anyhow. Give her the feeling of nachas ruach that you’re following her system of doing things. And her with him; same thing.
Why do you have to have it your way? Bend your will to hers. And even sometimes it may be a little inconvenient to you, nevertheless, give up a little convenience for the sake of gaining the perfection of adjusting, of bending, of self-control and humility.
So the years go by and both of you have to struggle. Constantly you have to grit your teeth. Constantly you have to swallow your anger. Constantly you have to swallow your hurt. Your words too! You have to swallow your words. It can’t be helped!
Again and again, you must be oimed b’nisayon and it means that you’re changing. Every day you’re becoming better and softer and wiser and more patient and more humble. All of your rough edges are being smoothed out. Don’t think it’s nothing. It’s everything! It’s the reason why Hashem made it that way; it’s the purpose of marriage. That’s the tov of marriage.
A Special Visitor
And it’s such a great achievement when a husband and wife live together with that ideal of shleimus hamiddos that אִישׁ וְאִשָּׁה שָׁלוֹם בֵּינֵיהֶם – if they can live together more or less in harmony, שְׁכִינָה בֵּינֵיהֶם – Hakadosh Baruch Hu himself is happy to be among them (Sotah 17a).
Isn’t that a remarkable statement? We should sit and study those words all our lives! How can it be that the Shechinah should come down between an ordinary Mr. and Mrs.?! Alright, they’re shomrei mitzvos, but they’re not the gedolei hador. It’s not a Beis Hamikdash. Why should the Shechinah come down?
And the answer is, it is a Beis Hamikdash! A home where shalom is practiced, where good character is formed, that makes them kadosh and it’s such a shleimus, such a great achievement, that Hakadosh Baruch Hu says, “Yes, that’s where I’m going to be. A place where two people are dedicated to a career of getting along, of constant shleimus hamiddos, that’s the place of holiness where I’ll come in.”
Better Late Than Never
And even if somebody didn’t start out on the right foot, even though they’re married many years, even twenty, thirty years later, they could always make a new beginning. The opportunity for bringing the Shechinah into the home is still open for everyone.
And so it’s a good idea to make a decision, starting today, no matter what, each one will try to be gentle and to speak politely. He might get on her nerves — he’s so stubborn, so rude – but she bends; she yields and overlooks and ignores. She stifles her desire to respond. If she must say something, she should go to the bathroom and run the water and flush the toilet and say it – only he shouldn’t hear. That’s a greatness on her part. Every time she bends, her character improves and she becomes more of a kadosh.
And he? Same thing. You know women are many times nervous. Women go through certain periods of difficulties. בְּעֶצֶב תֵּלְדִי בָּנִים – Having children is not easy and managing children, a house of children, sometimes drives women almost crazy. And many times they’re nervous and wild and unreasonable. Very good. That’s your opportunity to smooth your rough edges.
The Great Accomplishment
And so each one tries as much as possible to stifle their desire to misbehave and to respond to the foolishness of the other. It’s not always easy – sometimes you fall – but you get up again. You break your arrogance a little more and you apologize. Again and again, you yield one to the other.
You know what they’re accomplishing? Not only are they keeping out of divorce court and guaranteeing that they’ll walk their grandchildren down to the chuppah together – that’s excellent – but even better, they are achieving shleimus of character!
Now, once you understand what an opportunity marriage is, so you’ll introduce certain minhagim that’ll help both lubricate the relationship and lubricate the middos. You want to ask for something, if you’d always say, “Please,” to each other, does it cost money? You always say, “Thank you,” to each other.
Not only the first year. Always! Always show appreciation. Always gratitude. Hakaras hatov is the foundation of the pure neshamah; to train yourself in the attitude of being grateful, absolutely it’s a perfection of the neshamah.
Singing Her Praises
Not only politeness and gratitude. As much as possible find ways of giving compliments. Overcome your laziness and your stubbornness, and compliment her for the cooking. After supper tell her how good of a meal she served today. On Shabbos compliment the challah. “It tastes so good, so sweet.”
When you walk in from the beis medrash say, “How nice and clean your house is.” Or say, “You’re an expert manager – a good balabuste.” Say something from time to time! Anything! “You’re really an aishes chayil.”
It’s not natural? You don’t feel like saying it? That’s what the Vilna Gaon means when he says that shviras hamiddos is the purpose of life; breaking your bad character, breaking your natural inclinations. And so make sure to compliment your wife on her looks. Even when she’s an old lady, she still wants to hear how she looks. That’s how women are, that’s their nature. And don’t be stingy; be lavish with your praise. Always say good words about her appearance, as long as you’re alive.
Singing His Praises
And wives to their husbands – she has to show appreciation of the husband too. If the husband is oseik in Torah, she should praise him. If she sees he makes a brachah with kavanah she should praise him. “It’s a pleasure to hear you make kiddush,” or “It’s a pleasure to hear you say birkas hamazon.”
From time to time she should compliment him on bringing parnassah into the home. It’s not easy making a living and she should encourage him with a few words. Anything he does, she should utilize in order to gain shleimus for herself because her perfection is the way she deals with her husband.
Now, after a while you’ll get more opportunities. Children come along and that’s also an opportunity for the shleimus of good character. A father and mother have to get along with their children and each child is different from the next one. And the mother and father sometimes have different ideas about what to do about little Chaim and they have to cooperate with each other.
The Little Beis Hamikdash
They have to do it. They can’t help themselves; they’re chained together in marriage. And they have sons and daughters. They have to marry them off eventually and then their grandchildren come and then the families all the time are busy making peace with each other. With mechutanim you also have to get along.
It’s work. But it’s the best type of work because it’s the great achievement of character. They have perfected themselves with years of toiling, years of restraining themselves, of keeping their tempers, of being patient. And it’s so great that the place where it happens becomes a place of holiness – like Shabbos, like the Mikdash, it becomes a place of an especial presence of the Shechinah.
Because of the perfection of character that they both achieve, the area between the four walls of their home, their little humble abode, becomes a place of intense kedushah because the Shechinah dwells there with an intensity unmatched anywhere else.