Rebuke, Anger, Shame and Guilt UJA Women's Torah Study

(17) Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thy heart; thou shalt surely rebuke thy neighbour, and not bear sin because of him.

Rabbi Tarfon taught, "I wonder if anyone in this generation knows how to receive rebuke. If someone said to him, 'remove the toothpick from between your teeth,' he would say, 'remove the beam from between your eyes.' Rabbi Elazar ben Azaryah said, "I wonder if there is anyone in this generation who knows how to rebuke."

The mitzvah of tochecha (rebuke) of an Israelite that is not behaving properly - to rebuke one from Israel that is not behaving properly, either concerning things between man and man or between man and God, as it is written, "You shall surely rebuke your neighbor and do not bear sin because of him." And it says in Sifre (Kedoshim 4:8) From where do we learn that if you rebuked him four and five times and he did not repent, you must go back and rebuke (again)? For this reason it says hochach tochiach, "You shall surely rebuke." And also chaza"l (chakhameinu zikhronam livrakha, "our sages of blessed memory") said in the Gemara (Bava Metzia 31a) "You shall surely rebuke" even 100 times. And Sifrei also said, could it be that you rebuke him and his face changes (becomes pale or humiliated)? For this reason it says, "Do not bear sin because of him." This teaches that in the beginning of the rebuke that is proper for a person, to rebuke him in private and with a soft tongue and words of calm, in order that he will not be shamed, and no doubt if he does not repent after this, we castigate the sinner in public and publicize his sin and excoriate him until he returns to the good.

He happened upon an exceedingly ugly person, who said to him: Greetings to you, my rabbi, but Rabbi Elazar did not return his greeting. Instead, Rabbi Elazar said to him: Worthless [reika] person, how ugly is that man. Are all the people of your city as ugly as you? The man said to him: I do not know, but you should go and say to the Craftsman Who made me: How ugly is the vessel you made. When Rabbi Elazar realized that he had sinned and insulted this man merely on account of his appearance, he descended from his donkey and prostrated himself before him, and he said to the man: I have sinned against you; forgive me. The man said to him: I will not forgive you go until you go to the Craftsman Who made me and say: How ugly is the vessel you made. He walked behind the man, trying to appease him, until they reached Rabbi Elazar’s city. The people of his city came out to greet him, saying to him: Greetings to you, my rabbi, my rabbi, my master, my master. The man said to them: Who are you calling my rabbi, my rabbi? They said to him: To this man, who is walking behind you. He said to them: If this man is a rabbi, may there not be many like him among the Jewish people. They asked him: For what reason do you say this? He said to them: He did such and such to me. They said to him: Even so, forgive him, as he is a great Torah scholar. He said to them: For your sakes I forgive him, provided that he accepts upon himself not to become accustomed to behave like this. Immediately, Rabbi Elazar, son of Rabbi Shimon, entered the study hall and taught: A person should always be soft like a reed and he should not be stiff like a cedar, as one who is proud like a cedar is likely to sin. And therefore, due to its gentle qualities, the reed merited that a quill is taken from it to write with it a Torah scroll, phylacteries, and mezuzot.

If the wealthy man says to that poor man: ‘Do you not go and toil and eat? Look at your thighs, look at your legs, look at your belly, look that you are corpulent.’ [The wealthy man accuses the poor man of collecting charity but not really needing it.] The Holy One blessed be He says to him: ‘Is it not enough for you that you did not give him anything of yours, but regarding what I gave him, you are introducing an evil eye for him?’

The Gemara relates that the tanna (one of the first generation of scholars whose opinions make up the Mishna, 1st-2nd century CE) who recited mishnayot and baraitot in the study hall taught a baraita before Rav Naḥman bar Yitzḥak: Anyone who humiliates another in public, it is as though he were spilling blood. Rav Naḥman bar Yitzḥak said to him: You have spoken well, as we see that after the humiliated person blushes, the red leaves his face and pallor comes in its place, which is tantamount to spilling his blood. Abaye said to Rav Dimi: In the West, i.e., Eretz Yisrael, with regard to what mitzva are they particularly vigilant? Rav Dimi said to him: They are vigilant in refraining from humiliating others, as Rabbi Ḥanina says: Everyone descends to Gehenna except for three.

The Gemara relates that the tanna who recited mishnayot and baraitot in the study hall taught a baraita before Rav Naḥman bar Yitzḥak: Anyone who humiliates another in public, it is as though he were spilling blood. Rav Naḥman bar Yitzḥak said to him: You have spoken well, as we see that after the humiliated person blushes, the red leaves his face and pallor comes in its place, which is tantamount to spilling his blood.