Judaism 101: Marriage, Partnership and More

1. B’tzelem Elohim (“in the image of God”)

This fundamental Jewish idea, articulated in Genesis 1:27, is at the core of all Jewish values. B’tzelem Elohim underscores the inherent dignity of every person, with the equal honor and respect due to each individual’s integrity and sexual identity. B’tzelem Elohim requires each of us to value one’s self and one’s sexual partner and to be sensitive to their needs. Thus do we affirm that consensuality and mutuality are among the values necessary to validate a sexual relationship as spiritual and ethical and, therefore, “in the image of God.”

Authentic and ethical human relationships should begrounded in both truth and honesty. People can only truly know each other and appreciatethe Divine in all people when they come to each other openly and honestly. Both partners in an intimate relationship should strive to communicatelovingly. They should tell each other what gives them pleasure and what does not, and should honestly share their love as well as the challengesthat their relationship presents. However, honesty that is destructive of the relationship lacks the quality of rachamim, “mercy.”

For that reason, intimate partners should be mindful that there might be moments whenthey are better served by not being totally candid with each other. In addition, falsehood that manipulates is sinful. Dating partners must not lie to each other in order to mislead the other into a sexual relationship. Neitherpartner should use the other as a sexual object. Finally, parents should learn how to teach their children both the facts and the physical, emotional, andspiritual consequences of sexual behavior. Parents should then use that teaching to help their children face the realities of the contemporary world.

Our tradition enjoins upon us the responsibility to rejoicein and to maximize our physical, emotional, and spiritual health. “Blessed is our Eternal God, Creator of the Universe, who has made our bodies withwisdom, combining veins, arteries, and vital organs into a finely balanced network” (Gates of Prayer, p. 284). Reform Judaism encourages adults of all ages and physical and mental capabilities to develop expressions of their sexuality that are both responsible and joyful. The abuse of human sexuality can be destructive to our emotional, spiritual, and physical health. We have a duty to engage only in those sexual behaviors that do not put others orourselves at risk. In our age of HIV/AIDS and epidemic sexually transmitted diseases, irresponsible sexual behavior can put our lives and the lives of others at risk. We must act upon the knowledge that our sexual behavior is linked to our physical health.

Judaism enjoins upon us the mandate to reach out and care for others, to treat all those created in the image of God with respect and dignity, to strive to create equality and justice wherever people are treated unfairly, to help meet the needs of the less fortunate, and toengage in tikkun olam, “the repair of God’s creation.” The prophet Amos exhorts us to:

As a people who have historically suffered at the hands of the powerful, we must be especially sensitive to any abuse of power and victimization of other human beings. According to the sages, yetzer hara (evil inclination), through its sexual component, may sometimes lead to destructive behavior and sin. All forms of sexual harassment, incest, child molestation, and rape violate the value of mishpat. Our pursuit of mishpat should inspire us to eradicate prejudice, inequality, and discrimination based upon gender or sexual orientation.

The family is a cornerstone of Jewish life. The Torah, through the first mitzvah, p’ru ur’vu, “be fruitful and multiply”(Gen. 1:28), emphasizes the obligation of bringing children into the world through the institution of the family.

In our age, the traditional notion of family as being two parents and children (and perhaps older generations) living in the same household is in the process of being redefined. Men and women of various ages living together, singles, gay and lesbian couples, single-parent households, and the like, may all be understood as families in the wider, if not traditional, sense. “Family” also has multiple meanings in an age of increasingly complex biotechnology and choice. Although procreation and family are especially important as guarantors of the survivalof the Jewish people, all Jews have a responsibility to raise and nurture the next generation of our people. The importance of family, whether biologically or relationally based, remains the foundation of meaningful human existence.

Nachmanides’ classic Igeret HaKodesh, “The Holy Letter,” sets forth the Jewish view that the Holy One did not create anything that is not beautiful and potentially good. The human body in itself is never to be considered an object of shame or embarrassment. Instead, “it is the manner and context in which it [i.e., the body] is utilized, the ends towhich it is used, which determine condemnation or praise.” Our behavior should never reduce the human body to an object. Dress, language, and behavior should reflect a sensitivity to the Jewish respect for modesty and privacy. As Jews we acknowledge and celebrate the differences between public, private, and holy time as well as the differences between public, private, and holy places.

7. B’rit (“covenantal relationship”)

For sexual expression in human relationships to reach the fullness of its potential, it should be grounded in fidelity and the intention of permanence. This grounding mirrors the historic Jewish ideal of the relationship between God and the people Israel, with its mutual responsibilities and its assumption of constancy. The prophet Hosea wrote:

A sexual relationship is covenantal when it is stable and enduring and includes mutual esteem, trust, and faithfulness.

Human sexuality, as a powerful force in our lives, has the potential for physical closeness and pleasure, emotional intimacy and communication. The experience of sexual pleasure and orgasm, both in relationships and individually, can greatly delight women and men. Our tradition teaches that procreation is not the sole purpose of sexual intimacy; it not only recognizes but also rejoices in the gratification that our sexualitycan bring to us. As an expression of love, the physical release and relaxation, the enjoyment of sensuality and playfulness that responsible sexual activity can provide are encouraged by our Jewish tradition. The sages teach that the Shechinah, the “Divine Presence,” joins with people when they unite in love, but add that if there is no joy between them, the Shechinah will not be present (Shabbat 30b, Zohar 1). Judaism insists that the simchah of human sexual activity should be experienced only in healthy and responsible human relationships.

9. Ahavah (“love”)

The mitzvah from Leviticus 19:18 serves as an essential maxim of allhuman relationships:

The same Hebrew value term, ahavah, is used to describe the ideal relationship between God and humanity as well as that between people. The Jewish marriage ceremony speaks of “ahavah v’achavah, shalom v’reiyut,” “love and affection, wholeness and friendship,” as ideals that should undergird holy relationships. For Jews, ahavah is not only a feeling or emotion, but also the concrete behaviors we display toward God and our fellow humans. Ahavah implies “self-esteem,” the internal conviction that each of us should appear worthy in our own eyes. To be loved, one must consider oneself lovable; without regard for self, one can hardly care for others. Ahavah forbids any abuse or violence in sexual or any aspect of human relationships. Ahavah should be expressed through behavior that displays caring, support, and empathy.

10. K’dushah (“holiness”)

This value comes from the meaning of the Hebrew root k-d-sh, “distinct from all others, unique, set apart for an elevated purpose.” The Torah instructs us:

Holiness is not simply a state of being; rather, it is a continuing process of human striving for increasingly higher levels of moral living. In a Reform Jewish context, a relationship may attain a measure of k’dushah when both partners voluntarily set themselves apart exclusively for each other, thereby finding unique emotional, sexual, and spiritual intimacy.