Grief Represented in the Tanakh
How do Jews allow ourselves to grieve? How do we show others that we are in a mournful state? In fact, grief is often referenced in the Tanakh- and it's not always about death! The people in the Tanakh grieve many things, from the threatened destruction of their Jewish community:
(א) וּמׇרְדֳּכַ֗י יָדַע֙ אֶת־כׇּל־אֲשֶׁ֣ר נַעֲשָׂ֔ה וַיִּקְרַ֤ע מׇרְדֳּכַי֙ אֶת־בְּגָדָ֔יו וַיִּלְבַּ֥שׁ שַׂ֖ק וָאֵ֑פֶר וַיֵּצֵא֙ בְּת֣וֹךְ הָעִ֔יר וַיִּזְעַ֛ק זְעָקָ֥ה גְדוֹלָ֖ה וּמָרָֽה׃ (ב) וַיָּב֕וֹא עַ֖ד לִפְנֵ֣י שַֽׁעַר־הַמֶּ֑לֶךְ כִּ֣י אֵ֥ין לָב֛וֹא אֶל־שַׁ֥עַר הַמֶּ֖לֶךְ בִּלְב֥וּשׁ שָֽׂק׃ (ג) וּבְכׇל־מְדִינָ֣ה וּמְדִינָ֗ה מְקוֹם֙ אֲשֶׁ֨ר דְּבַר־הַמֶּ֤לֶךְ וְדָתוֹ֙ מַגִּ֔יעַ אֵ֤בֶל גָּדוֹל֙ לַיְּהוּדִ֔ים וְצ֥וֹם וּבְכִ֖י וּמִסְפֵּ֑ד שַׂ֣ק וָאֵ֔פֶר יֻצַּ֖ע לָֽרַבִּֽים׃
(1) When Mordecai learned all that had happened, Mordecai tore his clothes and put on sackcloth and ashes. He went through the city, crying out loudly and bitterly, (2) until he came in front of the palace gate; for one could not enter the palace gate wearing sackcloth.— (3) Also, in every province that the king’s command and decree reached, there was great mourning among the Jews, with fasting, weeping, and wailing, and everybody lay in sackcloth and ashes.—
...to the hardships in their own lives:
(יא) וַֽיִּשְׁמְע֞וּ שְׁלֹ֣שֶׁת ׀ רֵעֵ֣י אִיּ֗וֹב אֵ֣ת כׇּל־הָרָעָ֣ה הַזֹּאת֮ הַבָּ֣אָה עָלָיו֒ וַיָּבֹ֙אוּ֙ אִ֣ישׁ מִמְּקֹמ֔וֹ אֱלִיפַ֤ז הַתֵּֽימָנִי֙ וּבִלְדַּ֣ד הַשּׁוּחִ֔י וְצוֹפַ֖ר הַנַּֽעֲמָתִ֑י וַיִּוָּעֲד֣וּ יַחְדָּ֔ו לָב֥וֹא לָנֽוּד־ל֖וֹ וּֽלְנַחֲמֽוֹ׃ (יב) וַיִּשְׂא֨וּ אֶת־עֵינֵיהֶ֤ם מֵֽרָחוֹק֙ וְלֹ֣א הִכִּירֻ֔הוּ וַיִּשְׂא֥וּ קוֹלָ֖ם וַיִּבְכּ֑וּ וַֽיִּקְרְעוּ֙ אִ֣ישׁ מְעִל֔וֹ וַיִּזְרְק֥וּ עָפָ֛ר עַל־רָאשֵׁיהֶ֖ם הַשָּׁמָֽיְמָה׃ (יג) וַיֵּֽשְׁב֤וּ אִתּוֹ֙ לָאָ֔רֶץ שִׁבְעַ֥ת יָמִ֖ים וְשִׁבְעַ֣ת לֵיל֑וֹת וְאֵין־דֹּבֵ֤ר אֵלָיו֙ דָּבָ֔ר כִּ֣י רָא֔וּ כִּי־גָדַ֥ל הַכְּאֵ֖ב מְאֹֽד׃
(11) When Job’s three friends heard about all these calamities that had befallen him, each came from his home—Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. They met together to go and console and comfort him. (12) When they saw him from a distance, they could not recognize him, and they broke into loud weeping; each one tore his robe and threw dust into the air onto his head. (13) They sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights. None spoke a word to him for they saw how very great was his suffering.
...to the destruction of the Temple and the exile of the Jews from Israel (Jeremiah is literally called "the weeping prophet"):
(יז) וּתְמַהֵ֕רְנָה וְתִשֶּׂ֥נָה עָלֵ֖ינוּ נֶ֑הִי וְתֵרַ֤דְנָה עֵינֵ֙ינוּ֙ דִּמְעָ֔ה וְעַפְעַפֵּ֖ינוּ יִזְּלוּ־מָֽיִם׃ (יח) כִּ֣י ק֥וֹל נְהִ֛י נִשְׁמַ֥ע מִצִּיּ֖וֹן אֵ֣יךְ שֻׁדָּ֑דְנוּ בֹּ֤שְׁנֽוּ מְאֹד֙ כִּֽי־עָזַ֣בְנוּ אָ֔רֶץ כִּ֥י הִשְׁלִ֖יכוּ מִשְׁכְּנוֹתֵֽינוּ׃ {ס}
(17) Let them quickly start a wailing for us, That our eyes may run with tears, Our pupils flow with water. (18) For the sound of wailing Is heard from Zion: How we are despoiled! How greatly we are shamed! Ah, we must leave our land, Abandon our dwellings!
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Mourning the Temple and What Could Have Been
Jews have also established many specific practices for grieving the destruction of the Temple and the exile of the Jewish people. The book of Lamentations (called Eicha in Hebrew, meaning "how could this happen?") is read on Tisha B'Av, the day on which we fast in mourning of the destruction of the Temple and other catastrophes in Jewish history (like the Spanish Inquisition, the Holocaust, and 10/7), and traditionally we refrain from wearing leather on this day, to imitate the "sackcloth and ashes" practice of Biblical times. We also step on a glass at weddings to mourn the Temple (I personally really like this take on the practice).
In rabbinic texts, there are a mix of opinions on when/if we can listen to music in a post-exile world. Most shomer-mitzvah Jews refrain from listening to music with instruments during the Omer (from Passover day 2 until Shavuot) and during the Nine Days (leading up to Tisha B'Av), which is why there are so many Jewish a capella groups.
However, some were of the opinion that we should not listen to music at all. Immediately after the exile, all music was officially banned by the early rabbis (see below). After some time, though, singing in prayer was considered an exception to the ban. Traditional Yemenite Jewish music actually developed completely a capella because of their adherence to this ruling, though most Yemenite Jews now live in Israel and have begun using instruments again.
שְׁלַחוּ לֵיהּ לְמָר עוּקְבָא: זִמְרָא מְנָא לַן דַּאֲסִיר? שִׂרְטֵט וּכְתַב לְהוּ: ״אַל תִּשְׂמַח יִשְׂרָאֵל אֶל גִּיל בְּעַמִּים״. וְלִישְׁלַח לְהוּ מֵהָכָא: ״בַּשִּׁיר לֹא יִשְׁתּוּ יָיִן יֵמַר שֵׁכָר לְשׁוֹתָיו״! אִי מֵהָהוּא, הֲוָה אָמֵינָא הָנֵי מִילֵּי זִמְרָא דְמָנָא, אֲבָל דְּפוּמָּא שְׁרֵי, קָא מַשְׁמַע לַן.
The Gemara further relates: They sent the following question to Mar Ukva: From where do we derive that song is forbidden in the present, following the destruction of the Temple? He scored parchment and wrote to them: “Rejoice not, O Israel, to exultation, like the peoples” (Hosea 9:1). The Gemara asks: And let him send them a response from here: “They do not drink wine with a song; strong drink is bitter to them who drink it” (Isaiah 24:9), indicating that song is no longer allowed. The Gemara answers: If he had answered by citing that verse, I would say that this matter applies only to instrumental music, in accordance with the previous verse: “The mirth of tabrets ceases, the noise of them who rejoice ends, the joy of the harp ceases” (Isaiah 24:8); however, vocal song is permitted. Therefore, Mar Ukva teaches us that all types of song are forbidden.
To summarize this reading, since Talmud wording can be a bit confusing: someone asked Mar Ukva (the head rabbi of the first generation of Amoraim, around 220-250 CE) for the source of the music ban after the destruction of the Temple, and he cited a verse from Hosea. He also, according to the Amoraim, cited Isaiah 24:9. The Amoraim then rationalize that, if he had cited Isaiah 24:8 which refers to instruments, we would rule that only instrumental music was banned. But because he cited two verses that refer to music and song in more general terms, the rabbis determined that all music was forbidden.
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Practicing Grief
You might also notice, from the Job source, the origin of "sitting shiva"- sitting on the ground for a week (surrounded by friends and family) in intense mourning. In modern shiva practice, we spend this time eating and talking about the deceased. I would say that the practice of sitting shiva summarizes two major themes in Jewish grief:
- We do not avoid grief, but rather face it for a prescribed amount of time and at prescribed times around the year. Setting aside specific times to cry, grieve, and be sad is necessary to be happy the rest of the year. This might mean that, for the prescribed period of time, you avoid music or other distractions from your feelings.
- We do not grieve alone. Whether fasting together on a fast day, sitting on the floor with a mourner, or saying the Mourner's Kaddish with 9+ other Jews, sharing our burdens with each other is necessary for our community.
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A Time For Weeping and A Time For Laughing
(א) לַכֹּ֖ל זְמָ֑ן וְעֵ֥ת לְכׇל־חֵ֖פֶץ תַּ֥חַת הַשָּׁמָֽיִם׃ {ס} (ב) עֵ֥ת לָלֶ֖דֶת וְעֵ֣ת לָמ֑וּת עֵ֣ת לָטַ֔עַת וְעֵ֖ת לַעֲק֥וֹר נָטֽוּעַ׃ (ג) עֵ֤ת לַהֲרוֹג֙ וְעֵ֣ת לִרְפּ֔וֹא עֵ֥ת לִפְר֖וֹץ וְעֵ֥ת לִבְנֽוֹת׃ (ד) עֵ֤ת לִבְכּוֹת֙ וְעֵ֣ת לִשְׂח֔וֹק עֵ֥ת סְפ֖וֹד וְעֵ֥ת רְקֽוֹד׃
(1) A season is set for everything, a time for every experience under heaven: (2) A time for being born and a time for dying, A time for planting and a time for uprooting the planted; (3) A time for slaying and a time for healing, A time for tearing down and a time for building up; (4) A time for weeping and a time for laughing, A time for wailing and a time for dancing;
שכלו מתי מדבר – דתניא כל ארבעים שנה שהיו במדבר בכל ערב תשעה באב היה הכרוז יוצא ואומר צאו לחפור והיה כל אחד ואחד יוצא וחופר לו קבר וישן בו שמא ימות קודם שיחפור ולמחר הכרוז יוצא וקורא יבדלו חיים מן המתים וכל שהיה בו נפש חיים היה עומד ויוצא וכל שנה היו עושין כן ובשנת ארבעים שנה עשו ולמחר עמדו כולן חיים וכיון שראו כך תמהו ואמרו שמא טעינו בחשבון החדש חזרו ושכבו בקבריהן בלילות עד ליל חמשה עשר וכיון שראו שנתמלאה הלבנה בט"ו ולא מת אחד מהם ידעו שחשבון חדש מכוון וכבר מ' שנה של גזרה נשלמו קבעו אותו הדור לאותו היום יו"ט:
1 "[the day] on which the deaths ceased in the desert" - As it was taught in a braita, all 40 years that they were in the desert, every Erev Tisha B’av, the proclaimer would go out and say: let each individual go out and dig [his grave]. And every single person would go out and dig for themselves a grave, and sleep in it, in case they would die before they had dug. And the next day, the proclaimer would go out and proclaim: let the living separate themselves from the dead. And every one who had the soul of life would rise and go out [of his grave]. And every year they would do this. And in the 40th year, they did it, and the next morning everyone stood up alive. And when they saw this, they were astonished, and they said, ‘perhaps we made a mistake in calculating the month [and it is not yet Tisha B’Av].’ They returned and slept in their graves each night until the 15th, and since they saw that the moon was full on Tu [B’av] and no one had died among them, they knew that the calculation of the month was in line, and that the 40 years of the decree had been completed, they established that day as a Yom Tov.
Every time of grief must eventually come to an end. Less than a week after we grieve the Roman exile and destruction of the heart of Biblical Judaism (and every other source of Jewish pain since), we go out to celebrate Tu B'Av, a day of singing, dancing, and romancing. We grieve so that we can continue living, and then we can bring in a new generation born in joy and hope.
Judaism lays the groundwork for grieving the big things, but it also establishes a framework for grieving the little things. Whatever rituals help you to grieve the little things, like those described here, setting time aside to feel your feelings, while in community with others, is at the core of how Jews grieve.