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Storytime at the Talmud Zoo Vol. 1 
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Shalom, Frens: Storytime at the Talmud Zoo Vol. 1

The GOAT(s) vs. some Danger Floofs

רַבִּי חֲנִינָא בֶּן דּוֹסָא הֲווֹ לֵיהּ הָנָךְ עִיזֵּי, אֲמַרוּ לֵיהּ: קָא מַפְסְדָן. אֲמַר: אִי קָא מַפְסְדָן — נֵיכְלִינְהוּ דּוּבֵּי, וְאִי לָא — כֹּל חֲדָא וַחֲדָא תַּיְתֵי לְאוּרְתָּא דּוּבָּא בְּקַרְנַיְיהוּ. לְאוּרְתָּא אַיְיתַי כֹּל חֲדָא וַחֲדָא דּוּבָּא בְּקַרְנַיְיהוּ.
Rabbi Ḥanina ben Dosa had some goats. His neighbors said to him: Your goats are damaging our property by eating in our fields. He said to them: If they are causing damage, let them be eaten by bears. But if they are not eating your property, let each of them, this evening, bring a bear impaled between its horns. That evening, each one brought in a bear impaled between its horns.

Chuck Norris of the Talmud

תָּנוּ רַבָּנַן: מַעֲשֶׂה בְּמָקוֹם אֶחָד שֶׁהָיָה עַרְוָד, וְהָיָה מַזִּיק אֶת הַבְּרִיּוֹת. בָּאוּ וְהוֹדִיעוּ לוֹ לְרַבִּי חֲנִינָא בֶּן דּוֹסָא. אָמַר לָהֶם: הַרְאוּ לִי אֶת חוֹרוֹ! הֶרְאוּהוּ אֶת חוֹרוֹ. נָתַן עֲקֵבוֹ עַל פִּי הַחוֹר, יָצָא וּנְשָׁכוֹ — וּמֵת אוֹתוֹ עַרְוָד.
Our Rabbis have taught : It happened in a certain place that there was a lizard which injured people. They came and informed R. Hannina b. Dosa. He said to them, "Show me its hole." They pointed it out to him, and he placed his heel over the mouth of the hole. The lizard came out and bit him, and it died.
נְטָלוֹ עַל כְּתֵפוֹ וֶהֱבִיאוֹ לְבֵית הַמִּדְרָשׁ. אָמַר לָהֶם: רְאוּ בָּנַי, אֵין עַרְוָד מֵמִית, אֶלָּא הַחֵטְא מֵמִית.
He put it on his shoulder and brought it to the House of Study. He said to them, "See, my sons, it is not the lizard that kills but sin that kills."
בְּאוֹתָהּ שָׁעָה אָמְרוּ: אוֹי לוֹ לָאָדָם שֶׁפָּגַע בּוֹ עַרְוָד, וְאוֹי לוֹ לָעַרְוָד שֶׁפָּגַע בּוֹ רַבִּי חֲנִינָא בֶּן דּוֹסָא.
At that time the saying originated : "Woe to the man who meets a lizard ; but woe to the lizard which R. Hannina b. Dosa meets."

Danger Noodle in Nature's Pocket

הַאי אִיתְּתָא דְּחָזְיָא חִיוְיָא, וְלָא יָדְעָה אִי יָהֵיב דַּעְתֵּיהּ עִילָּוַהּ אִי לָא יָהֵיב דַּעְתֵּיהּ עִילָּוַהּ — תִּשְׁלַח מָאנַהּ וְתִשְׁדֵּי קַמֵּיהּ, אִי מִכְרַךְ בְּהוּ דַּעְתֵּיהּ עִילָּוַהּ, וְאִי לָא — לָא יָהֵיב דַּעְתֵּיהּ עִילָּוַהּ.
A woman who is seen by a snake and does not know whether it has directed his attention toward her or whether it has not directed his attention toward her, she should remove her garment and throw it before the snake. If the snake wraps itself in the garments, it is an indication that it has directed his attention toward her; and if not, it is an indication that it has not directed his attention toward her.
מַאי תַּקַּנְתֵּהּ תְּשַׁמֵּשׁ קַמֵּיהּ. אִיכָּא דְאָמְרִי: כׇּל שֶׁכֵּן דְּתָקֵיף לֵיהּ יִצְרֵיהּ! אֶלָּא תִּשְׁקוֹל מִמַּזְּיַהּ וּמִטּוּפְרַהּ וְתִשְׁדֵּי בֵּיהּ, וְתֵימָא: ״דִּישְׁתָּנָא אֲנָא״. הַאי אִיתְּתָא דְּעָיֵיל בַּהּ חִיוְיָא, לִיפַסְּעוּהָ וְלוֹתְבוּהָ אַתַּרְתֵּי חָבְיָתָא, וְלַיְתֵי בִּישְׂרָא שַׁמִּינָה וְלִישְׁדֵּי אַגּוּמְרֵי, וְלַיְתֵי אַגָּנָא דְּתַחְלֵי וְחַמְרָא רֵיחְתָנָא וְלוֹתְבוּ הָתָם, וְלִיטְרוֹקִינְהוּ בַּהֲדֵי הֲדָדֵי, וְלִינְקוֹט צְבָתָא בִּידֵהּ, דְּכִי מוֹרַח רֵיחָא — נָפֵיק וְאָתֵי, וְלִישְׁקְלֵיהּ וְלִיקְלְיֵיהּ בְּנוּרָא, דְּאִי לָא — הָדַר עִילָּוַהּ.
What is her remedy so the snake will leave her alone? She should have relations with her husband before the snake. Some say: If she has relations in front of the snake, all the more so that its desire will become stronger. Rather, she should take from her hair and her nails and throw them at the snake, and say the following to it as an incantation: I am a menstruating woman [dishtana]. A woman whom a snake has entered, let them spread her legs and place her on two barrels, and let them bring fatty meat and throw it onto coals. And let them bring her a bowl of cress and fragrant wine and place them there and mix them together. And she should take tongs in her hand, as when the snake smells the fragrance it emerges. And then one should take the snake and burn it in the fire, as if it is not burned, it will come back onto her.

Buzz, Buzz, Bitch

עָמַד עָלָיו נַחְשׁוֹל שֶׁבַּיָּם לְטוֹבְעוֹ, אָמַר: כִּמְדוּמֶּה אֲנִי שֶׁאֱלֹהֵיהֶם שֶׁל אֵלּוּ, אֵין גְּבוּרָתוֹ אֶלָּא בַּמַּיִם; בָּא פַּרְעֹה – טְבָעוֹ בַּמַּיִם, בָּא סִיסְרָא – טְבָעוֹ בַּמַּיִם; אַף הוּא עוֹמֵד עָלַי לְטוֹבְעֵנִי בַּמַּיִם. אִם גִּבּוֹר הוּא, יַעֲלֶה לַיַּבָּשָׁה וְיַעֲשֶׂה עִמִּי מִלְחָמָה! יָצְתָה בַּת קוֹל וְאָמְרָה לוֹ: רָשָׁע בֶּן רָשָׁע בֶּן בְּנוֹ שֶׁל עֵשָׂו הָרָשָׁע, בְּרִיָּה קַלָּה יֵשׁ לִי בְּעוֹלָמִי, וְיַתּוּשׁ שְׁמָהּ.
It is further related about Titus that he was once traveling at sea and a wave rose up against him and threatened to drown him. Titus said: It seems to me that their God, the God of Israel, has power only in water. Pharaoh rose against them and He drowned him in water. Sisera rose against them and He drowned him in water. Here too, He has risen up against me to drown me in water. If He is really mighty, let Him go up on dry land and there wage war against me. A Divine Voice issued forth and said to him: Wicked one, son of a wicked one, grandson of Esau the wicked, for you are among his descendants and act just like him, I have a lowly creature in My world and it is called a gnat.
עֲלֵה לַיַּבָּשָׁה וְתַעֲשֶׂה עִמָּהּ מִלְחָמָה. עָלָה לַיַּבָּשָׁה, בָּא יַתּוּשׁ וְנִכְנַס בְּחוֹטְמוֹ, וְנִקֵּר בְּמוֹחוֹ שֶׁבַע שָׁנִים. יוֹמָא חַד הֲוָה קָא חָלֵיף אַבָּבָא דְּבֵי נַפָּחָא, שְׁמַע קָל אַרְזַפְתָּא, אִישְׁתִּיק; אֲמַר: אִיכָּא תַּקַּנְתָּא. כֹּל יוֹמָא מַיְיתוּ נַפָּחָא וּמָחוּ קַמֵּיה. לְגוֹי – יָהֵיב לֵיהּ אַרְבַּע זוּזֵי, יִשְׂרָאֵל – אֲמַר לֵיהּ: מִיסָּתְיָיךְ דְּקָא חָזֵית בְּסָנְאָךְ. עַד תְּלָתִין יוֹמִין עֲבַד הָכִי; מִכָּאן וְאֵילָךְ, כֵּיוָן דְּדָשׁ, דָּשׁ.
The Gemara resumes its story about Titus. The Divine Voice continued: Go up on dry land and make war with it. He went up on dry land, and a gnat came, entered his nostril, and picked at his brain for seven years. Titus suffered greatly from this until one day he passed by the gate of a blacksmith’s shop. The gnat heard the sound of a hammer and was silent and still. Titus said: I see that there is a remedy for my pain. Every day they would bring a blacksmith who hammered before him. He would give four dinars as payment to a gentile blacksmith, and to a Jew he would simply say: It is enough for you that you see your enemy in so much pain. He did this for thirty days and it was effective until then. From that point forward, since the gnat became accustomed to the hammering, it became accustomed to it, and once again it began to pick away at Titus’s brain.
תַּנְיָא, אָמַר רַבִּי פִּנְחָס בֶּן עֲרוּבָא: אֲנִי הָיִיתִי בֵּין גְּדוֹלֵי רוֹמִי, וּכְשֶׁמֵּת פָּצְעוּ אֶת מוֹחוֹ, וּמָצְאוּ בּוֹ כְּצִפּוֹר דְּרוֹר מִשְׁקַל שְׁנֵי סְלָעִים. בְּמַתְנִיתָא תָּנָא: כְּגוֹזָל בֶּן שָׁנָה – מִשְׁקַל שְׁנֵי לִיטְרִין.
It is taught in a baraita that Rabbi Pineḥas ben Arova said: I was at that time among the noblemen of Rome, and when Titus died they split open his head and found that the gnat had grown to the size of a sparrow weighing two sela. It was taught in another baraita: It was like a one-year-old pigeon weighing two litra.
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