Bad Blood: Does Judaism Really Ask Us to Forgive and Forget

Rabbi Sari Laufer and Yael Farber, Rabbinic Intern
Stephen Wise Temple
Yom Kippur 5784

Band-aids don't fix bullet holes
You say sorry just for show
If you live like that, you live with ghosts
(You forgive, you forget.
But you never let it.....go)
--Taylor Swift

הושע י״ד:ה׳

(ה) אֶרְפָּא֙ מְשׁ֣וּבָתָ֔ם אֹהֲבֵ֖ם נְדָבָ֑ה כִּ֛י שָׁ֥ב אַפִּ֖י מִמֶּֽנּוּ׃

Hosea 14:5

(5) I will heal their affliction,
Generously will I take them back in love;
For My anger has turned away from them.

משנה תורה, הלכות תשובה ב׳:י׳

(י) אָסוּר לָאָדָם לִהְיוֹת אַכְזָרִי וְלֹא יִתְפַּיֵּס אֶלָּא יְהֵא נוֹחַ לִרְצוֹת וְקָשֶׁה לִכְעֹס וּבְשָׁעָה שֶׁמְּבַקֵּשׁ מִמֶּנּוּ הַחוֹטֵא לִמְחל מוֹחֵל בְּלֵב שָׁלֵם וּבְנֶפֶשׁ חֲפֵצָה. וַאֲפִלּוּ הֵצֵר לוֹ וְחָטָא לוֹ הַרְבֵּה לֹא יִקֹּם וְלֹא יִטֹּר. וְזֶהוּ דַּרְכָּם שֶׁל זֶרַע יִשְׂרָאֵל וְלִבָּם הַנָּכוֹן.

Mishneh Torah, Repentance 2:10

(10) It is forbidden for a person to be cruel and refuse to be appeased. Rather, he should be easily pacified, but hard to anger. When the person who wronged him asks for forgiveness, he should forgive him with a complete heart and a willing spirit. Even if he aggravated and wronged him severely, he should not seek revenge or bear a grudge.
This is the path of the seed of Israel and their upright spirit.

1) In each of these texts, who is asking and who is granting forgiveness?

2) What do the texts say about the nature of granting forgiveness? What do they assume (or not) about natural inclinations?

3) In these texts, what are the feelings associated with the process of forgiveness? Why do you think it is these?

4) What does a "complete heart and willing spirit" suggest to you? Does it feel achievable? Why or why not?

'Cause baby, now we got bad blood (hey!)
Now we got problems
And I don't think we can solve 'em
You made a really deep cut
And baby, now we got bad blood (hey!)
-Taylor Swift

Social psychologists teach us that when it comes to rupture and repair in human relations, there are two types of cultures. There are cultures of forgiveness and cultures of reconciliation.
Cultures of forgiveness are usually cultures with a strong sense of the individual. The offense was unfair and unjust. It creates a debt to the aggrieved. The apology of the offender allows the release of guilt. The apology pays off the debt and heals the insult and the injury. It allows for the aggrieved to achieve emotional closure. Where forgiveness is at a premium, the offender must do the work of accepting blame and committing to a new path. Only by righting the self, can the offender hope to right the relationship. There is clarity in what has transpired which paves the path for a redeemed future. The forgiveness offered by the aggrieved is an act of empathy with the contrition of the apologizing offender.
By contrast, cultures of reconciliation tend to focus on the collective. Who I am is entirely bound up by who we are, the bonds we share, and the common goals to which we aspire. When a relationship is ruptured, a premium is placed on re-achieving harmony with those around me. Here, value is placed on letting go. Introspection by the offender, and offers of apologies are, of course, always welcome. But not all are able or willing to do that work, and those cannot be pre-conditions for restoring harmony. The closer the dependence between offender and aggrieved, the more important it is to forego processes we would call asking/granting forgiveness, and the greater the need for all parties to move to reconciliation. The deep cleansing of introspection and forgiveness may not be achieved.
--Rabbi Dr. Joshua Berman
(https://blogs.timesofisrael.com/no-apologies-just-a-kiss/)

A 2015 study suggests that there are two types of forgiveness:

decisional forgiveness: making a conscious decision to let go of hurt feelings, such as anger and resentment, putting them in the past, and moving forward free of the effects those feelings can bring
emotional forgiveness: replacing negative emotions toward the person who has wronged you with positive ones such as sympathy, compassion, or empathy

Experts in this study suggest that emotional forgiveness can lead to higher levels of forgetting than decisional forgiveness or no forgiveness.
Dr. Kurt Smith, PsyD
https://psychcentral.com/health/reasons-to-forgive-but-not-forget

ברכות כ״ח א:ט׳-י׳

אָמַר רַבָּן גַּמְלִיאֵל: הוֹאִיל וְהָכִי הֲוָה, אֵיזִיל וַאֲפַיְּיסֵיהּ לְרַבִּי יְהוֹשֻׁעַ. כִּי מְטָא לְבֵיתֵיהּ, חֲזִינְהוּ לְאַשְׁיָתָא דְבֵיתֵיהּ דְּמַשְׁחֲרָן. אֲמַר לֵיהּ: מִכּוֹתְלֵי בֵיתְךָ אַתָּה נִיכָּר שֶׁפֶּחָמִי אַתָּה. אָמַר לוֹ: אוֹי לוֹ לַדּוֹר שֶׁאַתָּה פַּרְנָסוֹ, שֶׁאִי אַתָּה יוֹדֵעַ בְּצַעֲרָן שֶׁל תַּלְמִידֵי חֲכָמִים, בַּמֶּה הֵם מִתְפַּרְנְסִים וּבַמֶּה הֵם נִזּוֹנִים. אָמַר לוֹ: נַעֲנֵיתִי לְךָ מְחוֹל לִי. לָא אַשְׁגַּח בֵּיהּ: עֲשֵׂה בִּשְׁבִיל כְּבוֹד אַבָּא. פַּיֵּיס.

Berakhot 28a:9-10

Rabban Gamliel said to himself: Since this is the situation, that the people are following Rabbi Yehoshua, apparently he was right. Therefore, it would be appropriate for me to go and appease Rabbi Yehoshua. When he reached Rabbi Yehoshua’s house, he saw that the walls of his house were black. Rabban Gamliel said to Rabbi Yehoshua in wonderment: From the walls of your house it is apparent that you are a blacksmith, as until then he had no idea that Rabbi Yehoshua was forced to engage in that arduous trade in order to make a living. Rabbi Yehoshua said to him: Woe unto a generation that you are its leader as you are unaware of the difficulties of Torah scholars, how they make a living and how they feed themselves. Rabban Gamliel said to him: I insulted you, forgive me. Rabbi Yehoshua paid him no attention and did not forgive him. He asked him again: Do it in deference to my father, Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel, who was one of the leaders of Israel at the time of the destruction of the Temple. He was appeased.

תענית כ׳ ב:א׳-ג׳

נִזְדַּמֵּן לוֹ אָדָם אֶחָד שֶׁהָיָה מְכוֹעָר בְּיוֹתֵר. אָמַר לוֹ: שָׁלוֹם עָלֶיךָ רַבִּי! וְלֹא הֶחְזִיר לוֹ. אָמַר לוֹ: רֵיקָה, כַּמָּה מְכוֹעָר אוֹתוֹ הָאִישׁ! שֶׁמָּא כׇּל בְּנֵי עִירֶךָ מְכוֹעָרִין כְּמוֹתְךָ? אָמַר לוֹ: אֵינִי יוֹדֵעַ, אֶלָּא לֵךְ וֶאֱמוֹר לָאוּמָּן שֶׁעֲשָׂאַנִי: ״כַּמָּה מְכוֹעָר כְּלִי זֶה שֶׁעָשִׂיתָ״. כֵּיוָן שֶׁיָּדַע בְּעַצְמוֹ שֶׁחָטָא, יָרַד מִן הַחֲמוֹר וְנִשְׁתַּטַּח לְפָנָיו, וְאָמַר לוֹ: נַעֲנֵיתִי לְךָ, מְחוֹל לִי! אָמַר לוֹ: אֵינִי מוֹחֵל לְךָ עַד שֶׁתֵּלֵךְ לָאוּמָּן שֶׁעֲשָׂאַנִי וֶאֱמוֹר לוֹ: כַּמָּה מְכוֹעָר כְּלִי זֶה שֶׁעָשִׂיתָ. הָיָה מְטַיֵּיל אַחֲרָיו עַד שֶׁהִגִּיעַ לְעִירוֹ. יָצְאוּ בְּנֵי עִירוֹ לִקְרָאתוֹ, וְהָיוּ אוֹמְרִים לוֹ: שָׁלוֹם עָלֶיךָ רַבִּי רַבִּי, מוֹרִי מוֹרִי! אָמַר לָהֶם: לְמִי אַתֶּם קוֹרִין רַבִּי רַבִּי? אָמְרוּ לוֹ: לְזֶה שֶׁמְּטַיֵּיל אַחֲרֶיךָ. אָמַר לָהֶם: אִם זֶה רַבִּי — אַל יִרְבּוּ כְּמוֹתוֹ בְּיִשְׂרָאֵל. אָמְרוּ לוֹ: מִפְּנֵי מָה? אָמַר לָהֶם: כָּךְ וְכָךְ עָשָׂה לִי. אָמְרוּ לוֹ: אַף עַל פִּי כֵּן, מְחוֹל לוֹ, שֶׁאָדָם גָּדוֹל בְּתוֹרָה הוּא. אָמַר לָהֶם: בִּשְׁבִילְכֶם הֲרֵינִי מוֹחֵל לוֹ, וּבִלְבַד שֶׁלֹּא יְהֵא רָגִיל לַעֲשׂוֹת כֵּן. מִיָּד נִכְנַס רַבִּי אֶלְעָזָר בְּרַבִּי שִׁמְעוֹן, וְדָרַשׁ: לְעוֹלָם יְהֵא אָדָם רַךְ כְּקָנֶה וְאַל יְהֵא קָשֶׁה כְּאֶרֶז. וּלְפִיכָךְ זָכָה קָנֶה לִיטּוֹל הֵימֶנּוּ קוּלְמוֹס לִכְתּוֹב בּוֹ סֵפֶר תּוֹרָה תְּפִילִּין וּמְזוּזוֹת.

Taanit 20b:1-3

He happened upon an exceedingly ugly person, who said to him: Greetings to you, my rabbi, but Rabbi Elazar did not return his greeting. Instead, Rabbi Elazar said to him: Worthless [reika] person, how ugly is that man. Are all the people of your city as ugly as you? The man said to him: I do not know, but you should go and say to the Craftsman Who made me: How ugly is the vessel you made. When Rabbi Elazar realized that he had sinned and insulted this man merely on account of his appearance, he descended from his donkey and prostrated himself before him, and he said to the man: I have sinned against you; forgive me. The man said to him: I will not forgive you go until you go to the Craftsman Who made me and say: How ugly is the vessel you made. He walked behind the man, trying to appease him, until they reached Rabbi Elazar’s city. The people of his city came out to greet him, saying to him: Greetings to you, my rabbi, my rabbi, my master, my master. The man said to them: Who are you calling my rabbi, my rabbi? They said to him: To this man, who is walking behind you. He said to them: If this man is a rabbi, may there not be many like him among the Jewish people. They asked him: For what reason do you say this? He said to them: He did such and such to me. They said to him: Even so, forgive him, as he is a great Torah scholar. He said to them: For your sakes I forgive him, provided that he accepts upon himself not to become accustomed to behave like this. Immediately, Rabbi Elazar, son of Rabbi Shimon, entered the study hall and taught: A person should always be soft like a reed and he should not be stiff like a cedar, as one who is proud like a cedar is likely to sin. And therefore, due to its gentle qualities, the reed merited that a quill is taken from it to write with it a Torah scroll, phylacteries, and mezuzot.

1) What is similar in these stories? What is different? What are the lessons we are meant to take from each?

2) Looking at the categories above (forgiveness/reconciliation and decisional/emotional), how would you categorize these stories?

3) Which type of forgiveness do you think is easier or harder? Why?

סידור ספרד, קריאת שמע שעל המיטה א׳

(א) רִבּוֹנוֹ שֶׁל־עוֹלָם הֲרֵינִי מוֹחֵל לְכָל־מִי שֶׁהִכְעִיס וְהִקְנִיט אוֹתִי אוֹ שֶׁחָטָא כְּנֶגְדִי בֵּין בְּגוּפִי בֵּין בְּמֶמוֹנִי בֵין בִּכְבוֹדִי בֵין בְכָל אֲשֶׁר לִי בֵין בְּאוֹנֶס בֵּין בְּרָצוֹן בֵּין בְּשׁוֹגֵג בֵּין בְּמֵזִיד בֵין בְּדִבּוּר בֵּין בְּמַעֲשֶׂה בֵּין בְּגִלְגוּל זֶה בֵּין בְּגִלְגּוּל אַחֵר לְכָל־בַּר יִשְׂרָאֵל וְלֹא יֵעָנֵשׁ שׁוּם אָדָם בְסִבָּתִי

Siddur Sefard, Bedtime Shema 1

(1) Master of the Universe, behold, I now forgive all who have angered or provoked me, or sinned against me, whether to my body, my property, my honor, or to all that may belong to me,

whether they were forced, it was intentional, unintentional or unaware, or with full awareness and intention

whether through speech or act

whether in this incarnation or another incarnation--

every person--and be they not be punished at all on account of me.