Bein Adam L'Chavero: A Case Study

(9) Teshuvah (repentance) and Yom Kippur only atone for sins between a person and God; for example, a person who ate a forbidden food...and the like. However, sins between one person and another -- for example, someone who injures a colleague, curses a colleague, steals from him or the like-- will never be forgiven until one gives the colleague what one owes him and appeases him.

[It must be emphasized that] even if one restores the money that one owes [to the person one wronged], one must appease him and ask him for forgiveness. Even if one only upset a colleague by saying [certain] things, one must appease him and approach him [repeatedly] until he forgives one.

If the colleague does not desire to forgive, one should bring a group of three of one's friends and approach him with them and request [forgiveness]. If [the wronged party] is not appeased, one should repeat the process a second and third time.

If he [still] does not want [to forgive], one may let him alone and need not pursue [the matter further]. On the contrary, the person who refuses to grant forgiveness is the one considered as the sinner.

[The above does not apply] if [the wronged party] was one's teacher. [In that instance,] a person should continue seeking his forgiveness, even a thousand times, until he forgives the person.

(10) It is forbidden for a person to be cruel and refuse to be appeased. Rather, he should should be easily pacified but hard to anger. When the person who wronged him asks for forgiveness, he should forgive with a complete heart and a willing spirit. Even if the person aggravated and wronged him severely, he should not seek revenge or bear a grudge...

The Sages taught in praise of the reed: A person should always be soft like a reed, and he should not be stiff like a cedar. An incident occurred in which Rabbi Elazar, son of Rabbi Shimon, came from Migdal Gedor, from his rabbi’s house, and he was riding on a donkey and strolling on the bank of the river. And he was very happy, and his head was swollen with pride because he had studied much Torah. He happened upon an exceedingly ugly person, who said to him: Greetings to you, my rabbi, but Rabbi Elazar did not return his greeting. Instead, Rabbi Elazar said to him: Worthless [reika] person, how ugly is that man. Are all the people of your city as ugly as you? The man said to him: I do not know, but you should go and say to the Craftsman Who made me: How ugly is the vessel you made. When Rabbi Elazar realized that he had sinned and insulted this man merely on account of his appearance, he descended from his donkey and prostrated himself before him, and he said to the man: I have sinned against you; forgive me. The man said to him: I will not forgive you until you go to the Craftsman Who made me and say: How ugly is the vessel you made. He walked behind the man, trying to appease him, until they reached Rabbi Elazar’s city. The people of his city came out to greet him, saying to him: Greetings to you, my rabbi, my rabbi, my master, my master. The man said to them: Who are you calling "my rabbi, my rabbi"? They said to him: To this man, who is walking behind you. He said to them: If this man is a rabbi, may there not be many like him among the Jewish people. They asked him: For what reason do you say this? He said to them: He did such and such to me. They said to him: Even so, forgive him, as he is a great Torah scholar. He said to them: For your sakes I forgive him, provided that he accepts upon himself not to become accustomed to behave like this. Immediately, Rabbi Elazar, son of Rabbi Shimon, entered the study hall and taught: A person should always be soft like a reed and not be stiff like a cedar, as one who is proud like a cedar is likely to sin. And therefore, due to its gentle flexibility, the reed merited that a quill made from it is used to write a Torah scroll...