(א) בִּהְיוֹתוֹ בִּימֵי קַטְנוּתוֹ בָּא עַל דַּעְתּוֹ לִפְרֹשׁ מֵהָעוֹלָם, וְרָצָה לְשַׁבֵּר תַּאֲוַת אֲכִילָה. אַךְ עֲדַיִן הָיָה בְּשֵׂכֶל קָטָן, וְנִדְמָה לוֹ שֶׁזֶּה אִי־אֶפְשָׁר שֶׁיַּנִּיחַ מֵאֲכִילָתוֹ כְּפִי מַה שֶּׁהָיָה רָגִיל לֶאֱכֹל בַּבֹּקֶר וּבַצָּהֲרַיִם וְכוּ'. עַל־כֵּן יִשֵּׁב עַצְמוֹ; שֶׁיִּהְיֶה בּוֹלֵעַ כָּל מַה שֶּׁיֹּאכַל, דְּהַיְנוּ שֶׁלֹּא יִהְיֶה לוֹעֵס מַה שֶּׁיֹּאכַל רַק יִבְלַע כְּמוֹת שֶׁהוּא, כְּדֵי שֶׁלֹּא יַרְגִּישׁ שׁוּם טַעַם בַּאֲכִילָתוֹ. וְעָשָׂה כֵּן, וְעָלָה נְפִיחוּת בְּצַוָּארוֹ (שֶׁקּוֹרִין גִישְׁוָואלִין).
(ב) וְאָמַר: שֶׁהָיָה אָז רַק בֶּן שִׁשָּׁה שָׁנִים.
(ג) וְהַנְהָגָה זוֹ שָׁמַעְתִּי לְדָבָר גָּדוֹל מִצַּדִּיק גָּדוֹל מְאֹד מְאֹד שֶׁנָּהַג כָּךְ – שֶׁהָיָה בּוֹלֵעַ אֲכִילָתוֹ בְּלִי לְעִיסָה, אַךְ הוּא ז"ל נָהַג כָּךְ בִּהְיוֹתוֹ בֶּן שִׁשָּׁה שָׁנִים.
(א) גַּם בִּהְיוֹתוֹ יוֹשֵׁב לִפְנֵי רַבּוֹ לִלְמֹד בִּימֵי קַטְנוּתוֹ, הָיָה רוֹצֶה תָּמִיד לְקַיֵּם: "שִׁוִּיתִי ה' לְנֶגְדִּי תָמִיד" וְהָיָה מִתְיַגֵּעַ לְצַיֵּר נֶגֶד עֵינָיו שֵׁם: "הוי"ה" בָּרוּךְ הוּא, וּמֵחֲמַת שֶׁהָיְתָה מַחֲשַׁבְתּוֹ טְרוּדָה בָּזֶה לֹא הָיָה יוֹדֵעַ מַה שֶּׁלּוֹמֵד וְהָיָה רַבּוֹ כּוֹעֵס עָלָיו.
(ב) וְאַף־עַל־פִּי־כֵן, כָּל יְמֵי יַלְדוּתוֹ הָיָה עוֹשֶׂה עִנְיְנֵי מַעֲשֵׂה נַעֲרוּת הַרְבֵּה מְאֹד, דְּהַיְנוּ עִנְיְנֵי שְׂחוֹק וּקְפִיצוֹת וְטִיּוּל (שֶׁקּוֹרִין פַאר שַׁייט) וְהָיָה רָגִיל בָּזֶה מְאֹד.
(א) אַחַר־כָּךְ נִתְגַּדֵּל יוֹתֵר וּכְשֶׁנַּעֲשָׂה בַּר־מִצְוָה, קָרָא אוֹתוֹ דּוֹדוֹ הַרַב הַקָּדוֹשׁ מוֹרֵנוּ הָרַב אֶפְרַיִם זצ"ל (אַב־בֵּית־דִּין דְּקְהִלַּת קֹדֶשׁ סִידִילְקוֹב) וְאָמַר לוֹ הַפָּסוּק: "אֲנִי הַיּוֹם יְלִדְתִּיךָ". כִּי זֶה נֶאֱמַר עַל הַיּוֹם שֶׁהָאָדָם נַעֲשֶׂה בַּר־מִצְוָה (כַּמּוּבָא בַּסְּפָרִים). וְאָמַר לוֹ קְצָת מְעַט דִּבְרֵי מוּסָר. וְהָיָה יָקָר בְּעֵינָיו מְאֹד מְאֹד "כְּמוֹצֵא שָׁלָל רָב".
(ב) אַחַר־כָּךְ נִכְנַס לַחֻפָּה. וְתֵכֶף בִּיצִיאָתוֹ מִן הַחֻפָּה הָיָה מִתְלַהֵב מְאֹד וּמִתְגַּעְגֵּעַ מְאֹד לַעֲבוֹדַת ה' יִתְבָּרַךְ וְנִכְנָס בַּעֲבוֹדַת ה' מִיּוֹם אֶל יוֹם.
(א) גַּם בִּימֵי קַטְנוּתוֹ, הִתְחִיל לְהַתְמִיד מְאֹד מְאֹד בְּלִמּוּדוֹ, וְהָיָה מְשַׁלֵּם לְהַמְלַמֵּד מִכִּיסוֹ שְׁלֹשָׁה גְּדוֹלִים [סוג מטבע] בְּעַד כָּל דַּף גְּמָרָא שֶׁהָיָה לוֹמֵד עִמּוֹ, מִלְּבַד הַשְּׂכַר לִמּוּד שֶׁהָיָה אָבִיו מְשַׁלֵּם לְהַמְלַמֵּד, הָיָה הוּא בְּעַצְמוֹ ז"ל נוֹתֵן לְהַמְלַמֵּד מִשֶּׁלּוֹ שְׁלשָׁה גְּדוֹלִים בְּעַד כָּל דַּף וָדַף, כְּדֵי שֶׁהַמְלַמֵּד יַכְרִיחַ עַצְמוֹ לִלְמֹד עִמּוֹ הַרְבֵּה דַּפִּין גְּמָרָא בְּכָל יוֹם. וְכֵן הָיָה, שֶׁהָיָה הַמְלַמֵּד לוֹמֵד עִמּוֹ כַּמָּה וְכַמָּה דַּפִּין בְּכָל יוֹם וָיוֹם וְהוּא הָיָה מְשַׁלֵּם לוֹ כַּנַּ"ל ג' גְּדוֹלִים בְּעַד כָּל דַּף וָדַף מִלְּבַד הַשְַּׂכר־לִמּוּד.
(א) וְכֵן הָיָה נִכְנָס בַּעֲבוֹדַת ה', וְכָל עֲבוֹדָתוֹ הָיָה בְּהֶצְנֵעַ גָּדוֹל מְאֹד מְאֹד, עַד שֶׁלֹּא יָדַע שׁוּם אָדָם מִמֶּנּוּ כְּלָל, כִּי הָיָה סָתוּם וְגָנוּז מְאֹד. וְכָל עֲבוֹדָתוֹ הָיָה בְּסֵתֶר וּבְהֶצְנֵעַ גָּדוֹל.
(ב) וְעִקַּר עֲבוֹדָתוֹ בַּתְּחִלָּה הָיָה בִּפְשִׁיטוּת גָּדוֹל בְּלִי שׁוּם חָכְמוֹת כְּלָל, רַק בִּפְשִׁיטוּת גָּמוּר.
(ג) וְכָל דָּבָר וְדָבָר שֶׁעָשָׂה הַכֹּל הָיָה בִּיגִיעָה גְּדוֹלָה וּבְכֹחַ גָּדוֹל וּבִמְסִירוּת נֶפֶשׁ. וְלֹא הָיָה לוֹ שׁוּם דְּבַר עֲבוֹדָה שֶׁבָּא לוֹ בְּנָקֵל, רַק כָּל דָּבָר וְדָבָר בָּא לוֹ בִּיגִיעָה גְדוֹלָה מְאֹד, שֶׁהָיָה מְיַגֵּעַ עַצְמוֹ כַּמָּה זְמַנִּים בִּשְׁבִיל כָּל דָּבָר וְדָבָר מֵעֲבוֹדַת הַשֵּׁם. וְהָיָה לוֹ כַּמָּה וְכַמָּה עֲלִיּוֹת וִירִידוֹת אֲלָפִים וּרְבָבוֹת עַד אֵין שִׁעוּר וָעֵרֶךְ.
(ד) וְהָיָה קָשָׁה וְכָבֵד עָלָיו מְאֹד מְאֹד לְהַתְחִיל לִכְנֹס בַּעֲבוֹדַת ה' לְקַבֵּל עָלָיו עֹל עֲבוֹדָתוֹ יִתְבָּרַךְ. וְהָיָה רָגִיל לְהַתְחִיל אֵיזֶה יָמִים לַעֲסֹק בַּעֲבוֹדַת ה' וְאַחַר־כָּךְ נָפַל מִזֶּה וְחָזַר לְהַתְחִיל וְחָזַר וְנָפַל. וְכֵן הָיָה כַּמָּה וְכַמָּה פְּעָמִים.
(ה) עַד שֶׁפַּעַם אֶחָד נִתְחַזֵּק אֶצְלוֹ שֶׁיִּהְיֶה חָזָק מְאֹד שֶׁיֹּאחֵז בַּעֲבוֹדַת ה' לְעוֹלָם, וְלֹא יִסְתַּכֵּל עַל שׁוּם דָּבָר בָּעוֹלָם. וּמֵאָז וָהָלְאָה נִתְחַזֵּק לִבּוֹ בַּה'. וְאַף־עַל־פִּי־כֵן גַּם אַחַר־כָּךְ הָיָה לוֹ תָּמִיד עֲלִיּוֹת וִירִידוֹת הַרְבֵּה מְאֹד מְאֹד, רַק שֶׁאַחַר־כָּךְ הָיָה חָזָק שֶׁלֹּא יַנִּיחַ עֲבוֹדָתוֹ יִתְבָּרַךְ לְעוֹלָם, אַף־עַל־פִּי שֶׁיֵּשׁ לוֹ יְרִידָה לִפְעָמִים, אַף־עַל־פִּי־כֵן יִהְיֶה מִתְחַזֵּק עַצְמוֹ בַּעֲבוֹדַת ה' יִתְבָּרַךְ בְּכָל מַה שֶּׁיּוּכַל.
(א) וְהָיָה רָגִיל לְהַתְחִיל בְּכָל פַּעַם מֵחָדָשׁ, דְּהַיְנוּ כְּשֶׁנָּפַל מִמַּדְרֵגָתוֹ לִפְעָמִים, לֹא הָיָה מְיָאֵשׁ עַצְמוֹ בִּשְׁבִיל זֶה, רַק אָמַר שֶׁיַּתְחִיל מֵחָדָשׁ כְּאִלּוּ לֹא הִתְחִיל עֲדַיִן כְּלָל לִכְנֹס בַּעֲבוֹדָתוֹ יִתְבָּרַךְ רַק עַתָּה הוּא מַתְחִיל מֵחָדָשׁ.
(ב) וְכֵן בְּכָל פַּעַם וּפַעַם, תָּמִיד הָיָה רָגִיל לְהַתְחִיל מֵחָדָשׁ. וְהָיָה לוֹ כַּמָּה הַתְחָלוֹת בְּיוֹם אֶחָד, שֶׁגַּם בְּיוֹם אֶחָד לִפְעָמִים נָפַל מֵעֲבוֹדָתוֹ וְהָיָה מַתְחִיל מֵחָדָשׁ וְכֵן כַּמָּה פְּעָמִים בְּיוֹם אֶחָד.
(א) וְהָיָה מַתְמִיד בְּלִמּוּדוֹ מְאֹד. וְלָמַד הַרְבֵּה מְאֹד שַׁ"ס וּפוֹסְקִים וְתַנַ"ךְ וְעֵין יַעֲקֹב וְסִפְרֵי הַזֹּהַר וְתִקּוּנִים וְכָל כִּתְבֵי הָאֲרִ"י־ז"ל, וּשְׁאָר סְפָרִים הַרְבֵּה מְאֹד וְסִפְרֵי מוּסָר הַרְבֵּה מְאֹד.
(ב) וְאָמַר: שֶׁכָּל הַסְּפָרִים קְטַנִּים הַמְדַבְּרִים מִמּוּסָר כֻּלָּם הָיוּ בְּבֵית אָבִיו. וְלָמַד מִכֻּלָּם. גַּם לָמַד הַרְבֵּה "רֵאשִׁית חָכְמָה" וְאָמַר בְּפֵרוּשׁ: שֶׁלָּמַד אֶת סֵפֶר "רֵאשִׁית חָכְמָה" פְּעָמִים אֵין מִסְפָּר.
(ג) וְגֹדֶל בְּקִיאוּתוֹ בְּכָל הַסְּפָרִים כְּפִי מַה שֶּׁרָאִינוּ בְּעֵינֵינוּ קְצָת הָיָה בְּלִי שִׁעוּר וּבִפְרָט בְּסִפְרֵי תַּנַ"ךְ וְ"עֵין יַעֲקֹב" וְכָל כִּתְבֵי הָאֲרִ"י וְסִפְרֵי הַזֹּהַר וְתִקּוּנִים, לֹא נִמְצָא דֻּגְמָתוֹ בָּעוֹלָם.
(ד) כִּי כָּל הַתּוֹרָה כֻּלָּה הָיְתָה מוּכֶנֶת לְפָנָיו וְשָׁגוּר בְּפִיו כַּשֻּׁלְחָן הֶעָרוּךְ מַמָּשׁ, כְּדָבָר הַמֻּנָּח לִפְנֵי הָאָדָם לִפְנֵי עֵינָיו שֶׁיָּכוֹל לִקַּח לְעַצְמוֹ מַה שֶּׁיִּרְצֶה, כֵּן מַמָּשׁ הָיוּ כָּל הַסְּפָרִים הַקְּדוֹשִׁים מוּכָנִים לִפְנֵי עֵינֵי שִׂכְלוֹ הַקָּדוֹשׁ בְּכָל־עֵת שֶׁרָצָה. וּקְצָת מִזֶּה יְכוֹלִים לִרְאוֹת וּלְהָבִין בִּסְפָרָיו הַקְּדוֹשִׁים.
(א) וְסִפֵּר, שֶׁכָּל לִמּוּדוֹ בָּא לוֹ בִּיגִיעָה גְּדוֹלָה.
(ב) כִּי בִּתְחִלָּה הָיָה לוֹמֵד מִשְׁנָיוֹת וְלֹא הָיָה מֵבִין לִמּוּדוֹ וְהָיָה בּוֹכֶה הַרְבֵּה לִפְנֵי ה' יִתְבָּרַךְ שֶׁיָּאִיר עֵינָיו. וְהָיָה בּוֹכֶה וּבוֹכֶה כָּל כָּךְ עַד שֶׁזָּכָה שֶׁיּוּכַל לִלְמוֹד מִשְׁנָיוֹת, וְכֵן אַחַר־כָּךְ לָמַד שְׁאָר סְפָרִים וְלֹא הָיָה מֵבִין גַּם כֵּן וְהָיָה בּוֹכֶה וּבוֹכֶה גַּם־כֵּן הַרְבֵּה מְאֹד עַד שֶׁזָּכָה לַהֲבִינָם. וְכֵן בְּלִמּוּד זֹהַר וְכִתְבֵי הָאֲרִ"י, ז"ל, הָיָה בּוֹכֶה גַּם כֵּן הַרְבֵּה עַד שֶׁזָּכָה לְהָבִין.
(ג) וְאָמַר: שֶׁבִּתְחִלָּה בְּכָל סֵפֶר וָסֵפֶר שֶׁלָּמַד לֹא הָיָה מֵבִין וְהָיָה קָשֶׁה לוֹ הַרְבֵּה וְלֹא הָיָה יָכוֹל לַעֲמֹד עַל פְּשׁוּטָן שֶׁל דְּבָרִים. וְהָיָה לוֹ יִסּוּרִים גְּדוֹלִים מִזֶּה וְהָיָה לִמּוּדוֹ בִּיגִיעָה גְּדוֹלָה, וְאַף־עַל־פִּי־כֵן לָמַד הַרְבֵּה מְאֹד. כִּי הָיָה מְחַזֵּק עַצְמוֹ מְאֹד וְהַכֹּל זָכָה עַל־יְדֵי תְּפִלָּתוֹ וּבְכִיָּתוֹ כַּנַּ"ל.
(א) וְהָיָה מִתְעַנֶּה הַרְבֵּה מְאֹד, וְכַמָּה פְּעָמִים הִתְעַנָּה מִשַּׁבָּת לְשַׁבָּת, וְהַכֹּל בִּימֵי נְעוּרָיו מַמָּשׁ קֹדֶם הֱיוֹתוֹ בֶּן עֶשְׂרִים שָׁנָה. וְלִפְעָמִים הִתְעַנָּה שְׁנֵי פְּעָמִים מִשַּׁבָּת לְשַׁבָּת רְצוּפִים זֶה לָזֶה.
(ב) וְאַף עַל פִּי שֶׁהָיָה "יֶלֶד שַׁעֲשׁוּעִים" וּמְגֻדָּל בְּתַפְנוּק, וְהָיָה אָדָם דַּק מְאֹד, אַף־עַל־פִּי־כֵן לֹא הָיָה חָס עַל־עַצְמוֹ כְּלָל, וְהִתְעַנָּה וְסִגֵּף עַצְמוֹ מְאֹד, וְהִתְעַנָּה חַ"י [שְׁמוֹנֶה־עֶשְׂרֵה] פְּעָמִים מִשַּׁבָּת לְשַׁבָּת בְּשָׁנָה אַחַת.
(א) אַךְ עִקַּר עֲבוֹדָתוֹ אֲשֶׁר עַל יָדָהּ זָכָה לְמַה שֶּׁזָּכָה; הָיָה רַק רִבּוּי הַתְּפִלּוֹת וְהַתְּחִנּוֹת וְהַבַּקָּשׁוֹת וְהָרִצּוּיִים וְהַפִּיּוּסִים, שֶׁהָיָה רָגִיל מְאֹד לְהִתְפַּלֵּל וּלְהִתְחַנֵּן לְפָנָיו יִתְבָּרַךְ. וְהָיָה מְרַצֶּה וּמְפַיֵּס אוֹתוֹ יִתְבָּרַךְ בְּכַמָּה מִינֵי תְּחִנּוֹת וּבַקָּשׁוֹת שֶׁיְּזַכֵּהוּ בְּרַחֲמָיו לְקָרְבוֹ לַעֲבוֹדָתוֹ יִתְבָּרַךְ.
(ב) וְעִקַּר מַה שֶּׁהוֹעִיל לוֹ הָיוּ הַתְּפִלּוֹת שֶׁהִתְפַּלֵּל בִּלְשׁוֹן 'אַשְׁכְּנַז', שֶׁהָיָה רָגִיל מְאֹד לְיַחֵד לוֹ אֵיזֶה מָקוֹם שֶׁמָּצָא שֶׁאֵין שָׁם בְּנֵי אָדָם וְהָיָה מְפָרֵשׁ שִׂיחָתוֹ לִפְנֵי ה' יִתְבָּרַךְ בַּלָּשׁוֹן שֶׁמְּדַבְּרִים בּוֹ, (דְּהַיְנוּ בִּלְשׁוֹן אַשְׁכְּנַז).
(ג) וְהָיָה מְרַצֶּה וּמְפַיֵּס אוֹתוֹ יִתְבָּרַךְ וּמְבַקֵּשׁ וּמִתְחַנֵּן לְפָנָיו יִתְבָּרַךְ בְּכַמָּה וְכַמָּה מִינֵי טְעָנוֹת וַאֲמַתְלָאוֹת שֶׁרָאוּי לוֹ יִתְבָּרַךְ שֶׁיְּקָרְבוֹ לַעֲבוֹדָתוֹ, וְהָיָה רָגִיל בָּזֶה מְאֹד מְאֹד וְהָיָה מְבַלֶּה יָמִים וְשָׁנִים עַל זֶה.
(ד) גַּם הָיָה מַטְמִין עַצְמוֹ עַל גַּבֵּי בֵּית אָבִיו, תַּחַת הַגַּג, שֶׁהָיָה שָׁם כְּמוֹ חֶדֶר בִּמְחִצָּה שֶׁל קָנִּים שֶׁמַּחֲזִיקִין שָׁם תֶּבֶן וּמִסְפּוֹא, וְשָׁם הָיָה מַטְמִין עַצְמוֹ וְהָיָה אוֹמֵר תְּהִלִּים וְהָיָה צוֹעֵק בְּלַחַשׁ לה' יִתְבָּרַךְ שֶׁיְּזַכֵּהוּ לְקָרְבוֹ אֵלָיו יִתְבָּרַךְ.
(ה) וְהַכְּלָל: שֶׁכָּל הַמִּינֵי בַּקָּשׁוֹת שֶׁבָּעוֹלָם שֶׁנִּמְצָאִים בְּאֵיזֶה סֵפֶר שֶׁיִּהְיֶה הַמָּצוּי בֵּינֵינוּ הַכֹּל כַּאֲשֶׁר לַכֹּל – לֹא הִנִּיחַ שׁוּם תְּחִנָּה וּבַקָּשָׁה שֶׁלֹּא אֲמָרָהּ כַּמָּה וְכַמָּה פְּעָמִים, הֵן תְּהִלִּים וְסֵפֶר "שַׁעֲרֵי צִיּוֹן" וְהַבַּקָּשׁוֹת הַנִּדְפָּסִים בְּהַסִּדּוּרִים הַגְּדוֹלִים וּשְׁאָר מִינֵי בַּקָּשׁוֹת וּתְחִנּוֹת, וַאֲפִלּוּ הַתְּחִנּוֹת הַנִּדְפָּסִים בִּלְשׁוֹן אַשְׁכְּנַז – כֻּלָּם לֹא הִנִּיחַ מִלְּאָמְרָם, וְהָיָה רָגִיל לוֹמַר כָּל הַתְּחִנּוֹת שֶׁאַחַר "מַעֲמָדוֹת" הַנִּדְפָּסִים אַחַר כָּל יוֹם וָיוֹם. וְהוּא הָיָה רָגִיל לוֹמַר כָּל הַתְּחִנּוֹת כֻּלָּם שֶׁל כָּל הַיָּמִים, בְּפַעַם אֶחָד.
(ו) גַּם הָיָה רָגִיל לִפְעָמִים לוֹמַר בַּתְּהִלִּים רַק הַפְּסוּקִים הַמְדַבְּרִים מִתְּחִנּוֹת וּבַקָּשׁוֹת וּצְעָקָה לה' יִתְבָּרַךְ, וְהָיָה אוֹמֵר רַק פְּסוּקִים אֵלּוּ וְהַשְּׁאָר לֹא הָיָה אוֹמֵר. וְהָיָה אוֹמֵר כָּל הַפְּסוּקִים הָאֵלּוּ מִכָּל סֵפֶר תְּהִלִּים בְּפַעַם אֶחָד.
(ז) וּמִלְּבַד כָּל זֶה, הָעִקָּר הָיָה, מַה שֶּׁהָיָה מִתְפַּלֵּל מֵעַצְמוֹ, דְּהַיְנוּ מַה שֶּׁהָיָה רָגִיל לְדַבֵּר מִלִּבּוֹ לִפְנֵי ה' יִתְבָּרַךְ (בִּלְשׁוֹן אַשְׁכְּנַז), שֶׁהָיָה מִתְפַּלֵּל וְטוֹעֵן לִפְנֵי ה' יִתְבָּרַךְ בְּכַמָּה וְכַמָּה מִינֵי טְעָנוֹת וּתְחִנּוֹת וּבַקָּשׁוֹת שֶׁאָמַר מִדַּעְתּוֹ וּמִלִּבּוֹ כַּנַּ"ל שֶׁיְּזַכֵּהוּ ה' יִתְבָּרַךְ לַעֲבוֹדָתוֹ.
(ח) וְזֶהוּ הָעִקָּר מַה שֶּׁהוֹעִיל לוֹ לִזְכּוֹת לְמַה שֶּׁזָּכָה. כָּךְ שָׁמַעְנוּ מִפִּיו הַקָּדוֹשׁ בְּפֵרוּשׁ.
(א) וְכַמָּה פְּעָמִים הָיָה מְדַבֵּר לִפְנֵי ה' יִתְבָּרַךְ דִּבְרֵי תְּחִנּוֹת וּבַקָּשׁוֹת מִלִּבּוֹ, וְנִזְדַּמֵּן לוֹ בְּתוֹךְ דִּבּוּרָיו טְעָנוֹת יָפוֹת וּתְפִלּוֹת נְכוֹנוֹת וּמְסֻדָּרוֹת וְהוּטְבוּ בְּעֵינָיו, וְהָיָה כּוֹתְבָם אֶצְלוֹ לְזִכָּרוֹן לְמַעַן יִהְיֶה רָגִיל לְהִתְפַּלֵּל אוֹתָם גַּם אַחַר־כָּךְ.
(ב) וְכֵן הָיָה רָגִיל בְּעִנְיָן זֶה לְדַבֵּר בֵּינוֹ לְבֵין קוֹנוֹ הַרְבֵּה מְאֹד מְאֹד וְכָל תְּפִלּוֹתָיו הָיוּ; שֶׁיִּזְכֶּה לְהִתְקָרֵב לה' יִתְבָּרַךְ. וְהָיוּ לוֹ טְעָנוֹת גְּדוֹלוֹת לה' יִתְבָּרַךְ עַל זֶה.
(א) וְאַף־עַל־פִּי־כֵן, הָיָה נִדְמֶה לוֹ תָּמִיד שֶׁאֵין מִסְתַּכְּלִין עָלָיו כְּלָל וְאֵין שׁוֹמְעִין לוֹ כְּלָל, רַק אַדְּרַבָּא, נִדְמֶה לוֹ שֶׁמַּרְחִיקִין אוֹתוֹ מֵעֲבוֹדָתוֹ יִתְבָּרַךְ בְּכָל מִינֵי הַרְחָקוֹת וּכְאִלּוּ אֵין רוֹצִין בּוֹ כְּלָל וּכְלָל. כִּי הָיָה רוֹאֶה שֶׁחוֹלְפִין וְעוֹבְרִין כַּמָּה וְכַמָּה יָמִים וְשָׁנִים וַעֲדַיִן הוּא רָחוֹק מֵה' יִתְבָּרַךְ וְלֹא זָכָה עֲדַיִן לְשׁוּם הִתְקָרְבוּת, עַל כֵּן נִדְמָה בְּעֵינָיו שֶׁאֵין שׁוֹמְעִין דְּבָרָיו כְּלָל וְאֵין מִסְתַּכְּלִין עָלָיו כְּלָל, רַק אַדְּרַבָּא – מַרְחִיקִין אוֹתוֹ בְּכָל מִינֵי הִתְרַחֲקוּת מֵעֲבוֹדָתוֹ יִתְבָּרַךְ.
(ב) אַךְ אַף־עַל־פִּי־כֵן הָיָה מְחַזֵּק עַצְמוֹ מְאֹד וְלֹא הִנִּיחַ אֶת מְקוֹמוֹ. וְכַמָּה פְּעָמִים הָיָה, שֶׁהָיָה נוֹפֵל בְּדַעְתּוֹ מֵחֲמַת זֶה שֶׁרָאָה שֶׁהוּא מִתְפַּלֵּל וּמַעְתִּיר וּמַפְצִיר כָּל כָּךְ שֶׁיִּתְקָרֵב לַעֲבוֹדַת־הַשֵּׁם־יִתְבָּרַךְ וְאֵין מִסְתַּכְּלִין עָלָיו כְּלָל.
(ג) וּמֵחֲמַת זֶה נָפַל לִפְעָמִים בְּדַעְתּוֹ וְלֹא הָיָה מְדַבֵּר עוֹד כָּל־כָּךְ בֵּינוֹ לְבֵין קוֹנוֹ אֵיזֶה יָמִים. אַחַר־כָּךְ נִזְכַּר בְּעַצְמוֹ וְהִתְבַּיֵּשׁ בְּעַצְמוֹ עַל שֶׁהִרְהֵר אַחַר מִדּוֹתָיו יִתְבָּרַךְ, כִּי בֶּאֱמֶת בְּוַדַּאי ה' יִתְבָּרַךְ חַנּוּן וְרַחוּם וְכוּ' וּבְוַדַּאי הוּא רוֹצֶה לְקָרְבוֹ וְכוּ'.
(ד) וְחָזַר וְנִתְחַזֵּק בְּדַעְתּוֹ, וְהִתְחִיל שׁוּב לְהַעְתִּיר וּלְדַבֵּר לִפְנֵי ה' יִתְבָּרַךְ כַּנַּ"ל. וְכֵן הָיָה כַּמָּה פְּעָמִים.
(א) וְהָיָה עוֹשֶׂה כָּל מִינֵי עֲבוֹדוֹת פְּשׁוּטוֹת שֶׁל עֲבוֹדַת הַשֵּׁם, בְּלִי שׁוּם חָכְמוֹת וְהַכֹּל בְּהֶצְנֵעַ גָּדוֹל. וְתֵכֶף כְּשֶׁיָּצָא לַחוּץ הָיָה עוֹשֶׂה בְּכַוָּנָה כָּל מִינֵי מַעֲשֵׂה נַעֲרוּת כָּל מִינֵי שְׂחוֹק וּקְפִיצוֹת וּשְׁאָר עִנְיָנִים כָּאֵלּוּ (שֶׁקּוֹרִין פַאר שֵׁייטְקַייט) עַד שֶׁלֹּא הָיָה יָכוֹל לָבוֹא עַל דַּעַת שׁוּם אָדָם שֶׁהוּא רוֹצֶה בַּעֲבוֹדַת ה'.
(ב) וּבִתְחִלָּה, בִּימֵי יַלְדוּתוֹ, הָיָה נוֹהֵג שֶׁהָיָה לוֹקֵחַ אֵיזֶה גְּדוֹלִים [מטבעות גדולים] וְהֶחֱלִיפָם עַל טְפָלִים [מטבעות קטנים] וְנִכְנַס לְבֵית הַכְּנֶסֶת בְּהֶצְנֵעַ דֶּרֶךְ חַלּוֹן וְכַיּוֹצֵא, וְלָקַח עִמּוֹ הַסֵּפֶר "שַׁעֲרֵי צִיּוֹן" וְאָמַר הַ"לְּשֵׁם יִחוּד" שֶׁל עֲשִׂיַּת מִצְוָה. וְלָקַח טָפֵל אֶחָד וְהִשְׁלִיכָהּ לְתוֹךְ הַמַּתָּן בַּסֵּתֶר. וְאַחַר־כָּךְ חָזַר וְעָשָׂה עַצְמוֹ כְּאִלּוּ הוּא מַסִּיחַ דַּעְתּוֹ מִזֶּה, וְאַחַר כָּךְ חָזַר וְאָמַר "לְשֵׁם־יִחוּד" הַנַּ"ל וְחָזַר וְהִשְׁלִיךְ פְּרוּטָה אַחַת לְתוֹךְ הַ"מַּתָּן־בַּסֵּתֶר", וְחָזַר וְהִסִּיחַ דַּעְתּוֹ וְחָזַר וְאָמַר הַלְּשֵׁם־יִחוּד הַנַּ"ל וְהִשְׁלִיךְ עוֹד פְּרוּטָה אַחַת.
(ג) וְכֵן חָזַר וְעָשָׂה כַּמָּה פְּעָמִים עַד שֶׁהִשְׁלִיךְ כָּל הַפְּרוּטוֹת לְתוֹךְ הַמַּתָּן־בַּסֵּתֶר, וְעַל כָּל פְּרוּטָה וּפְרוּטָה אָמַר הַלְּשֵׁם־יִחוּד הַנַּ"ל. וְכַוָּנָתוֹ הָיָה כְּדֵי שֶׁיַּעֲשֶׂה מִצְווֹת רַבּוֹת, כִּי עֲבוֹדָתוֹ הָיָה בִּפְשִׁיטוּת גָּמוּר בְּלִי שׁוּם חָכְמוֹת כְּלָל.
(ד) וְכֵן הָיָה עוֹשֶׂה, וְעוֹבֵד אֶת ה' יִתְבָּרַךְ בְּכָל מִינֵי עֲבוֹדוֹת פְּשׁוּטוֹת לְגַמְרֵי בְּלִי שׁוּם חָכְמוֹת כְּלָל, אַף־עַל־פִּי שֶׁבֶּאֱמֶת הָיָה חָכָם גָּדוֹל וּמֻפְלָג בְּחָכְמָה מְאֹד מְאֹד גַּם בִּימֵי קַטְנוּתוֹ וּבִימֵי נְעוּרָיו (כַּאֲשֶׁר הָיָה מְפֻרְסָם לְכָל מַכִּירָיו), אַף־עַל־פִּי־כֵן לֹא הִשְׁתַּמֵּשׁ בְּשׁוּם חָכְמָה כְּלָל בַּעֲבוֹדַת ה', רַק הָיָה נוֹהֵג לַעֲשׂוֹת כָּל הָעֲבוֹדוֹת הַפְּשׁוּטוֹת שֶׁבָּעוֹלָם. דְּהַיְנוּ לִמּוּד הַתּוֹרָה הַרְבֵּה, מִצְווֹת מַעֲשִׂיּוֹת, וְרִבּוּי תְּפִלּוֹת וּבַקָּשׁוֹת וְרִבּוּי הִתְבּוֹדְדוּת מְאֹד לְדַבֵּר וּלְפָרֵשׁ שִׂיחָתוֹ לְפָנָיו יִתְבָּרַךְ כַּנַּ"ל וְכַיּוֹצֵא בָּזֶה.
(ה) וְזֶה הָיָה עִקַּר חָכְמָתוֹ הַגְּדוֹלָה מְאֹד, כִּי מֵעֹצֶם הַפְלָגַת חָכְמָתוֹ זָכָה תֵּכֶף לְחָכְמָה זוֹ שֶׁאֵין צְרִיכִים שׁוּם חָכְמָה כְּלָל בַּעֲבוֹדַת ה'. כִּי זֶה עִקַּר הַחָכְמָה הַגְּדוֹלָה מִן הַכֹּל (כַּמְבֹאָר בִּדְבָרֵינוּ כַּמָּה פְּעָמִים) שֶׁלֹּא לִהְיוֹת שׁוּם חָכָם בַּעֲבוֹדַת ה' רַק בִּתְמִימוּת וּבִפְשִׁיטוּת בְּלִי שׁוּם חָכְמוֹת כְּלָל.
(א) וְכָל דָּבָר וְדָבָר שֶׁרָצָה לַעֲשׂוֹת בַּעֲבוֹדַת ה' הָיָה קָשֶׁה עָלָיו מְאֹד, בְּכָל מִינֵי כְּבֵדוּת שֶׁבָּעוֹלָם.
(ב) וּבַתְּחִלָּה הָיָה קָשֶׁה עָלָיו מְאֹד לֵישֵׁב יְחִידִי בְּבַיִת מְיֻחָד אֵיזֶה שָׁעוֹת רְצוּפִים לַעֲסֹק בַּעֲבוֹדַת ה'. וְזֶה הַדָּבָר הָיָה קָשֶׁה עָלָיו מְאֹד בִּתְחִלָּה. אַךְ הוּא ז"ל הָיָה מַכְרִיחַ עַצְמוֹ מְאֹד וְשִׁבֵּר תַּאֲוָתוֹ וְיָשַׁב כַּמָּה וְכַמָּה שָׁעוֹת בְּכָל יוֹם בְּהִתְבּוֹדְדוּת בְּחֶדֶר מְיֻחָד.
(ג) וְכֵן הָיָה קָשֶׁה עָלָיו מְאֹד מְאֹד הָעֲבוֹדָה שֶׁהָיָה צָרִיךְ לַעֲשׂוֹת בְּכָל יוֹם. וְכָל כָּךְ הָיָה קָשֶׁה עָלָיו עַד שֶׁלֹּא הָיָה אֶפְשָׁר לִשָּׂא כְּלָל הָעֹל מִגֹּדֶל הַכְּבֵדוּת שֶׁהָיָה כָּבֵד וְקָשֶׁה עָלָיו מְאֹד מְאֹד.
(ד) וְרַק עַל־יְדֵי עֵצָה זוֹ נָשָׂא עָלָיו עֹל הָעֲבוֹדָה; הַיְנוּ שֶׁבְּכָל יוֹם הָיָה חוֹשֵׁב בְּדַעְתּוֹ שֶׁאֵין לוֹ רַק זֶה הַיּוֹם בִּלְבַד וְלֹא הִסְתַּכֵּל עַל יוֹם הַמָּחֳרָת וְעַל זְמַן שֶׁלְּהַבָּא כְּלָל, רַק כְּאִלּוּ אֵין לוֹ רַק זֶה הַיּוֹם לְבַד.
(ה) וְעַל כֵּן הָיָה יָכוֹל לִשָּׂא עָלָיו עֹל הָעֲבוֹדָה שֶׁל זֶה הַיּוֹם לְבַד. כִּי עַל יוֹם אֶחָד לְבַד יָכוֹל הָאָדָם לְקַבֵּל עָלָיו כָּל מִינֵי עֲבוֹדוֹת שֶׁבָּעוֹלָם מֵאַחַר שֶׁהוּא רַק לְיוֹם אֶחָד בִּלְבַד. וּכְשֶׁגָּמַר הָעֲבוֹדָה שֶׁל זֶה הַיּוֹם אֲזַי בְּיוֹם הַמָּחֳרָת חָזַר וְקִבֵּל עָלָיו הָעֲבוֹדָה שֶׁל אוֹתוֹ יוֹם הַמָּחֳרָת.
(ו) וְכֵן נָהַג תָּמִיד, שֶׁלֹּא הָיָה חוֹשֵׁב בְּדַעְתּוֹ כִּי־אִם אוֹתוֹ הַיּוֹם לְבַד וְעַל־יְדֵי־זֶה הָיָה יָכוֹל לִשָּׂא עַל־עַצְמוֹ עֹל עֲבוֹדָתוֹ, שֶׁהָיְתָה כְּבֵדָה עָלָיו מְאֹד.
(ז) וּבְלֹא זֶה, לֹא הָיָה יָכוֹל לִשָּׂא עָלָיו כְּלָל, מֵחֲמַת שֶׁהָיָה מַרְבֶּה בַּעֲבוֹדַת ה' מְאֹד בְּכַמָּה מִינֵי עֲבוֹדוֹת בְּכָל יוֹם וְהַכֹּל בְּטִרְחָא וּבִיגִיעָה גְּדוֹלָה וּבִכְבֵדוּת גָּדוֹל מְאֹד, עַד שֶׁלֹּא הָיָה אֶפְשָׁר לִשָּׂא עָלָיו עֹל כָּזֶה, כִּי־אִם עַל־יְדֵי עֵצָה הַנַּ"ל, שֶׁלֹּא הָיָה חוֹשֵׁב בְּדַעְתּוֹ רַק אוֹתוֹ הַיּוֹם בִּלְבַד כַּנַּ"ל.
(א) וְהָיָה רָגִיל בִּנְדָרִים מְאֹד מְאֹד, שֶׁכַּמָּה פְּעָמִים כְּשֶׁבָּא הַיּוֹם, קִבֵּל עָלָיו בְּנֵדֶר כָּל סֵדֶר הָעֲבוֹדָה שֶׁהָיָה רוֹצֶה לַעֲשׂוֹת בְּאוֹתוֹ הַיּוֹם, וְאַחַר־כָּךְ אַף־עַל־פִּי שֶׁהָיָה קָשֶׁה עָלָיו מְאֹד, הָיָה מֻכְרָח לַעֲשׂוֹת מֵחֲמַת הַנֵּדֶר. וְכֵן עָשָׂה כַּמָּה וְכַמָּה פְּעָמִים.
(ב) וְכֵן בְּכָל מִינֵי גְּדָרִים וּסְיָגִים שֶׁל פְּרִישׁוּת מֵאֵיזֶה תַּאֲוָה וּמֵאֵיזֶה מִדָּה הָיָה רָגִיל הַרְבֵּה בִּנְדָרִים כַּמָּה וְכַמָּה פְּעָמִים. וְכַמָּה וְכַמָּה פְּעָמִים נִשְׁבַּע עַל אֵיזֶה דְּבָרִים בִּ"נְקִיטַת חֵפֶץ" כְּדֵי שֶׁיִּהְיֶה חָזָק לִפְרֹשׁ מֵאוֹתוֹ הַדָּבָר שֶׁהָיָה רוֹצֶה לִפְרֹשׁ עַצְמוֹ.
(א) וְגֹדֶל עֹצֶם מַעֲלַת קְדֻשָּׁתוֹ בִּשְׁבִירַת "הַתַּאֲוָה הַכְּלָלִית" שֶׁהִיא כּוֹלֶלֶת כָּל הַתַּאֲווֹת רָעוֹת שֶׁהוּא תַּאֲוַת הַמִּשְׁגָּל, אִי־אֶפְשָׁר לְבָאֵר וּלְסַפֵּר.
(ב) וְאָמַר: שֶׁהָיוּ לוֹ נִסְיוֹנוֹת אֵין מִסְפָּר, רַק בֶּאֱמֶת אֵין זֶה נִסָּיוֹן כְּלָל, כִּי אָמַר: שֶׁאֵין זֶה תַּאֲוָה כְּלָל. וְאָמַר: שֶׁמִּי שֶׁהוּא רַק חֲכַם אֱמֶת אֲפִלּוּ עַכּוּ"ם, מֵאַחַר שֶׁהוּא רַק חֲכַם אֱמֶת, רָאוּי שֶׁלֹּא יִהְיֶה אֶצְלוֹ הַתַּאֲוָה הַזּוֹ נֶחֱשֶׁבֶת לְתַאֲוָה כְּלָל. וְאָמַר כִּי מִי שֶׁהוּא חָכָם בְּחָכְמַת הַנִּתּוּחַ וְיוֹדֵעַ סֵדֶר הָאֵיבָרִים שֶׁל הָאָדָם כְּפִי חָכְמַת הַנִּתּוּחַ, רָאוּי שֶׁיִּהְיֶה נִמְאָס אֶצְלוֹ הַתַּאֲוָה הַזֹּאת בְּתַכְלִית הַמִּאוּס. וּבְעִנְיָן מִאוּס תַּאֲוָה זוֹ הִפְלִיג לְדַבֵּר הַרְבֵּה מְאֹד בְּעִנְיָן זֶה, אֲשֶׁר אִי־אֶפְשָׁר לְבָאֵר מֵחֲמַת הַשִּׁכְחָה.
(ג) וְהַכְּלָל: שֶׁהָיָה מְמָאֵס מְאֹד תַּאֲוָה זוֹ בְּתַכְלִית הַמִּאוּס, עַד שֶׁגָּזַר וְאָמַר: שֶׁמִּי שֶׁהוּא חֲכַם אֱמֶת קְצָת, אֵין הַתַּאֲוָה הַזֹּאת נֶחֱשֶׁבֶת לְנִסָּיוֹן כְּלָל.
(ד) אֲבָל גַּם קֹדֶם שֶׁזָּכָה לָזֶה שֶׁיִּתְבַּטֵּל וְיִהְיֶה נִמְאָס אֶצְלוֹ לְגַמְרֵי הַתַּאֲוָה הַזֹּאת, גַּם קֹדֶם לָזֶה, גַּם אָז הָיוּ לוֹ כַּמָּה וְכַמָּה נִסְיוֹנוֹת גְּדוֹלוֹת וְנוֹרָאוֹת מְאֹד בְּתַאֲוָה זוֹ, אֲשֶׁר אִי־אֶפְשָׁר לְבָאֵר בִּפְרָט. כִּי בִּימֵי נְעוּרָיו מַמָּשׁ, בְּעֵת רְתִיחַת הַדָּמִים הָיָה לוֹ כַּמָּה וְכַמָּה נִסְיוֹנוֹת גְּדוֹלוֹת שֶׁל תַּאֲוָה זוֹ, עַד אֵין מִסְפָּר, אֲשֶׁר הָיָה בְּיָדוֹ לְמַלֹּאת תַּאֲוָתוֹ וְהָיָה בְּסַכָּנָה גְּדוֹלָה מְאֹד מְאֹד. אַךְ הָיָה גִּבּוֹר חָזָק וְהִתְגַּבֵּר עַל יִצְרוֹ וְכָפָה תַּאֲוָתוֹ כַּמָּה וְכַמָּה פְּעָמִים.
(ה) וְאַף־עַל־פִּי־כֵן לֹא הָיָה מִתְרַחֵק עַצְמוֹ פַּעַם שֵׁנִית לִבְרֹחַ מֵהַנִּסָּיוֹן, רַק אַדְּרַבָּא הָיָה חָפֵץ בְּנִסְיוֹנוֹת וְהָיָה מִתְפַּלֵּל לה' יִתְבָּרַךְ שֶׁיַּזְמִין לוֹ נִסְיוֹנוֹת. כִּי הָיָה חָזָק בְּדַעְתּוֹ שֶׁבְּוַדַּאי לֹא יִמְרֹד כְּנֶגֶד ה' יִתְבָּרַךְ. כִּי אֵיךְ אֶפְשָׁר שֶׁיַּעֲשֶׂה עֲבֵרָה ח"ו וְיַעֲבֹר עַל רְצוֹן ה' יִתְבָּרַךְ, אִם לֹא שֶׁיִּהְיֶה נַעֲשֶׂה מְשֻׁגָּע ח"ו בָּעֵת הַזֹּאת? אֲבָל מֵאַחַר שֶׁיִּהְיֶה לוֹ אֵיזֶה שֵׂכֶל בְּעָלְמָא בְּעֵת הַנִּסָּיוֹן בְּוַדַּאי יוּכַל לַעֲמֹד, לְפִי גֹּדֶל חֹזֶק לִבּוֹ שֶׁהָיָה חָזָק בַּה' מְאֹד.
(ו) וְאַף־עַל־פִּי־כֵן, בְּעֵת שֶׁבָּא עָלָיו הַנִּסָּיוֹן הָיָה בְּסַכָּנָה גְּדוֹלָה מְאֹד וְהָיָה צוֹעֵק לה' יִתְבָּרַךְ מְאֹד, עַד שֶׁזָּכָה לְהִתְגַּבֵּר עַל יִצְרוֹ וּלְהִנָּצֵל. וְאַף־עַל־פִּי־כֵן לֹא הִתְרַחֵק עַצְמוֹ מֵהַנִּסָּיוֹן פַּעַם אַחֶרֶת אַף־עַל־פִּי שֶׁבִּשְׁעַת הַנִּסָּיוֹן הָיָה קָשֶׁה עָלָיו מְאֹד כַּנַּ"ל. וְכֵן הָיָה כַּמָּה וְכַמָּה פְּעָמִים הַרְבֵּה מְאֹד עַד אֵין שִׁעוּר.
(ז) וה' יִתְבָּרַךְ הָיָה בְּעֶזְרוֹ וְזָכָה לְהִתְגַּבֵּר עַל יִצְרוֹ וּלְשַׁבֵּר תַּבְעֵרַת הַמְּדוּרָה שֶׁל תַּאֲוָה הַכְּלָלִית הַזֹּאת. וְהָיָה קָדוֹשׁ גָּדוֹל מְאֹד מְאֹד בִּפְרִישׁוּת תַּאֲוָה זוֹ בִּפְרִישׁוּת גָּדוֹל וּבִקְדֻשָּׁה גְּדוֹלָה וְנוֹרָאָה מְאֹד. וְאָמַר: שֶׁהַבַּעַל־דָּבָר רָצָה לְהַנִּיחַ לוֹ הַכֹּל רַק שֶׁהוּא יְוַתֵּר לוֹ דָּבָר אֶחָד. וְהוּא אָמַר – לְהִפּוּךְ! שֶׁהוּא יַנִּיחַ הַכֹּל, רַק אוֹתוֹ הַדָּבָר אֵינוֹ רוֹצֶה לְהַנִּיחַ מִלְּשַׁבְּרוֹ.
(ח) דְּהַיְנוּ שֶׁהַבַּעַל דָּבָר הָיָה מְרֻצֶּה לְהַנִּיחַ לוֹ שֶׁיְּשַׁבֵּר כָּל הַתַּאֲווֹת רַק שֶׁהוּא יְוַתֵּר לוֹ דָּבָר אֶחָד מִן הַסְּתָם הַיְנוּ הַתַּאֲוָה הַכְּלָלִית הַנַּ"ל, שֶׁעִקַּר הַיֵּצֶר הָרָע הוּא בְּתַאֲוָה זוֹ. אֲבָל הוּא ז"ל אָמַר לְהֵפֶךְ – שֶׁהוּא יַנִּיחַ לוֹ הַכֹּל לִבְלִי לְשַׁבְּרוֹ, רַק זֹאת הַתַּאֲוָה רוֹצֶה לְשַׁבְּרָהּ לְגַמְרֵי.
(ט) וְכֵן הָיָה נוֹהֵג מִתְּחִלָּה, שֶׁכָּל מְגַמָּתוֹ וְכָל יְגִיעָתוֹ הָיוּ רַק לְשַׁבֵּר בָּרִאשׁוֹנָה הַתַּאֲוָה הַכְּלָלִית הַזֹּאת. וְלֹא הָיָה מַשְׁגִּיחַ כְּלָל בִּתְחִלָּה לְשַׁבֵּר תַּאֲוַת אֲכִילָה, רַק אַדְּרַבָּא, בִּתְחִלָּה הָיָה אוֹכֵל הַרְבֵּה מְאֹד מְאֹד, הַרְבֵּה יוֹתֵר מִשְּׁאָר בְּנֵי־אָדָם, וְאָמַר, שֶׁאָז הָיָה מַמְשִׁיךְ כָּל הַתַּאֲווֹת לְתוֹךְ תַּאֲוַת אֲכִילָה, וְאַחַר־כָּךְ שִׁבֵּר גַּם זֹאת הַתַּאֲוָה שֶׁל אֲכִילָה.
(י) וְהָיוּ לוֹ כַּמָּה מִינֵי יְגִיעוֹת וַעֲבוֹדוֹת וּמִלְחָמוֹת וְנִסְיוֹנוֹת אֵין מִסְפָּר קֹדֶם שֶׁשִּׁבֵּר הַתַּאֲוָה הַכְּלָלִית הַנַּ"ל. וְכַמָּה וְכַמָּה תְפִלּוֹת וְתַחֲנוּנִים וּבְכִיּוֹת וְשִׂיחוֹת שֶׁהָיָה מִתְפַּלֵּל וּמִתְחַנֵּן וְשׁוֹפֵךְ לִבּוֹ לִפְנֵי ה' יִתְבָּרַךְ בְּכַמָּה וְכַמָּה מִינֵי תַּחֲנוּנִים וְרִצּוּיִים וּפִיּוּסִים שֶׁיִּהְיֶה ה' יִתְבָּרַךְ בְּעֶזְרוֹ לְהִנָּצֵל מִתַּאֲוָה זוֹ.
(יא) עַד אֲשֶׁר זָכָה לַעֲמֹד בְּכָל הַנִּסְיוֹנוֹת, וְקִדֵּשׁ עַצְמוֹ מְאֹד בִּפְרִישׁוּת תַּאֲוָה זוֹ עַד אֵין שִׁעוּר וָעֵרֶךְ, עַד אֲשֶׁר זָכָה לְשַׁבֵּר תַּאֲוָה זוֹ לְגַמְרֵי. עַד אֲשֶׁר הָיָה לְפֶלֶא אֶצְלוֹ עַל מִי שֶׁנִּדְמֶה לוֹ שֶׁקָּשֶׁה לְשַׁבֵּר תַּאֲוָה זוֹ כִּי אָמַר שֶׁאֵין זֶה תַּאֲוָה כְּלָל, וְהָיָה מַרְבֶּה לְדַבֵּר בְּעִנְיָן זֶה, בְּעִנְיַן בִּטּוּל וּמִאוּס תַּאֲוָה זוֹ.
(יב) וְאָמַר: שֶׁאִי־אֶפְשָׁר לְדַבֵּר מִזֶּה עִם אֲנָשִׁים שֶׁכְּבָר נִתְגַּשְּׁמוּ בְּעִנְיָן זֶה. כִּי כְּבָר נִתְעָרְבוּ דְּמֵיהֶם כָּל־כָּךְ עַד שֶׁנִּתְעָרֵב דַּעְתָּם עַד שֶׁאֵין יְכוֹלִים לְהָבִין כְּלָל וְאֵין נִכְנָס בְּלִבָּם כְּלָל שֶׁאֶפְשָׁר לְמָאֵס תַּאֲוָה זוֹ, עַל־כֵּן אִי־אֶפְשָׁר לְדַבֵּר בָּזֶה הַרְבֵּה.
(יג) אֲבָל בֶּאֱמֶת מִי שֶׁהוּא חֲכַם אֱמֶת קְצָת יָכוֹל בְּקַל לְמַאֵס תַּאֲוָה זוֹ לְגַמְרֵי. כִּי אָמַר שֶׁאֵין זֶה נִסָּיוֹן כְּלָל לְמִי שֶׁהוּא רַק חֲכַם אֱמֶת כַּנַּ"ל. וְאָמַר שֶׁבְּהֶכְרֵחַ שֶׁיֵּשׁ בְּכָל זֶה סוֹד, כִּי בֶּאֱמֶת אֵין זֶה תַּאֲוָה כְּלָל.
(יד) וְהִתְפָּאֵר עַצְמוֹ מְאֹד בְּגֹדֶל חָזְקוֹ בִּשְׁבִירַת תַּאֲוָה זוֹ. וְהָיָה קָדוֹשׁ גָּדוֹל וְנוֹרָא מְאֹד בְּעִנְיָן זֶה וְאָמַר עַל־עַצְמוֹ שֶׁאֵין לוֹ שׁוּם תַּאֲוָה כְּלָל.
(טו) וְאָמַר: שֶׁאֶצְלוֹ זָכָר וּנְקֵבָה שָׁוִים. דְּהַיְנוּ שֶׁאֵין לוֹ שׁוּם מִלְחָמָה מֵחֲמַת אֵיזֶה צַד הִרְהוּר כְּשֶׁרוֹאֶה אוֹ כְּשֶׁמְּדַבֵּר עִם אֵיזֶה אִשָּׁה. כִּי הַכֹּל שָׁוֶה אֶצְלוֹ.
(א) גַּם אָמַר: שֶׁהַזִּוּוּג שֶׁל הַצַּדִּיק הָאֱמֶת, קָשָׁה עָלָיו עִנְיָן זֶה. וְלֹא דַּי שֶׁאֵין לוֹ שׁוּם תַּאֲוָה כְּלָל, כִּי אִם אַדְּרַבָּא יֵשׁ לוֹ יִסּוּרִין מִזֶּה מַמָּשׁ כְּמוֹ יִסּוּרֵי הַתִּינוֹק בִּשְׁעַת מִילָה. כִּי מַמָּשׁ יִסּוּרִין אֵלּוּ יֵשׁ לְהַצַּדִּיק בִּשְׁעַת זִוּוּג וְיוֹתֵר מִזֶּה. כִּי הַתִּינוֹק אֵין לוֹ דַּעַת, עַל־כֵּן אֵין הַיִּסּוּרִים שֶׁלּוֹ גְּדוֹלִים כָּל־כָּךְ, אֲבָל הַצַּדִּיק שֶׁיֵּשׁ לוֹ דַּעַת יִסּוּרָיו גְּדוֹלִים מֵהַתִּינוֹק.
(ב) וְזֶה הָיָה אֶצְלוֹ דָּבָר פָּשׁוּט. וְאָמַר: שֶׁכָּל אָדָם יָכוֹל לִזְכּוֹת לָבוֹא לְמַדְרֵגָה זוֹ. וּכְפִי הַנִּרְאֶה מִדְּבָרָיו הָיָה שֶׁקְּדֻשָּׁתוֹ שֶׁל עַצְמוֹ גָּבֹהַּ עוֹד יוֹתֵר וְיוֹתֵר.
(א) וְאָמַר: שֶׁאֶצְלוֹ אִישׁ וְאִשָּׁה שָׁוִין, הַיְנוּ שֶׁאֵין מַגִּיעַ לוֹ שׁוּם צַד מַחֲשָׁבָה כְּשֶׁרוֹאֶה אִשָּׁה. רַק הַכֹּל שָׁוֶה אֶצְלוֹ בְּעֵינָיו כְּאִלּוּ רוֹאֶה אִישׁ.
(ב) וְאָמַר פַּעַם אַחַת: שֶׁאֵינוֹ מִתְיָרֵא לֹא מֵאִשָּׁה וְלֹא מִמַּלְאָךְ. וּבָזֶה יֵשׁ הַרְבֵּה לְבָאֵר. כִּי מִי שֶׁיֵּשׁ לוֹ עֲדַיִן אֵיזֶה צַד פַּחַד כָּל שֶׁהוּא מֵהִרְהוּרֵי אִשָּׁה אֲפִלּוּ אִם הוּא נָקִי בָּזֶה רַק שֶׁאֵינוֹ נָקִי בְּתַכְלִית הַזִּכּוּךְ, וַעֲדַיִן יֵשׁ לוֹ אֵיזֶה פַּחַד כָּל שֶׁהוּא מִזֶּה, הוּא צָרִיךְ לִפְחֹד מִמַּלְאָךְ.
(ג) אֲבָל הוּא הִתְפָּאֵר שֶׁאֵין לוֹ שׁוּם פַּחַד מִזֶּה, עַל־כֵּן אֵין לוֹ פַּחַד מִמַּלְאָךְ.
(ד) וְזֶה מְרֻמָּז קְצָת בְּדִבְרֵי רַבּוֹתֵינוּ ז"ל (קִדּוּשִׁין פא.): "אֲנָא בִּשְׂרָא וְאַנְתְּ אֵשׁ וַאֲנָא עֲדִיפְנָא מִנָּךְ" שֶׁאָמַר רַב עַמְרָם חֲסִידָא אֶל הַמַּלְאָךְ (וּמוּבָא בִּדְבָרָיו ז"ל, בְּהַתּוֹרָה "תִּקְעוּ מֶמְשָׁלָה" סִימָן א' בְּלִקּוּטֵי תִנְיָנָא עַיֵּן שָׁם הֵיטֵב וְהָבֵן).
(א) גַּם הָיָה רָגִיל מְאֹד בִּימֵי קַטְנוּתוֹ וּבִימֵי יַלְדוּתוֹ לָרוּץ בְּכָל פַּעַם עַל קֶבֶר הַבַּעַל־שֵׁם־טוֹב זצוק"ל, לְבַקֵּשׁ מֵאִתּוֹ שֶׁיַּעְזְרוֹ לְהִתְקָרֵב לה' יִתְבָּרַךְ.
(ב) וְהָיָה רָגִיל לֵילֵךְ לְשָׁם בַּלַּיְלָה. וּבִזְמַן הַחֹרֶף, בְּעֵת שֶׁהָיָה הַקְּרִירוּת גָּדוֹל מְאֹד, הָיָה הוֹלֵךְ לְשָׁם בַּלַּיְלָה, וּמִשָּׁם חָזַר וְהָלַךְ אֶל הַמִּקְוֶה. וְהָיָה שָׁם מִקְוֶה חוּץ לַמֶּרְחָץ, וּמִקְוֶה אֶחָד בְּתוֹךְ הַמֶּרְחָץ. וּבָחַר לוֹ לֵילֵךְ בְּהַמִּקְוֶה שֶׁחוּץ לַמֶּרְחָץ, בְּעֵת הַקְּרִירוּת גָּדוֹל.
(ג) וּכְבָר הָיָה קַר לוֹ מְאֹד מֵחֲמַת שֶׁבָּא מֵהַקֶּבֶר הַנַּ"ל, כִּי הָיָה דֶּרֶךְ רָחוֹק בֵּין בֵּיתוֹ לְהַבֵּית עָלְמִין, וְכֵן מֵהַבֵּית עָלְמִין לַמִּקְוֶה. מִלְּבַד הַשְּׁהִיּוֹת שֶׁנִּשְׁתָּהָה הַרְבֵּה עַל הַקֶּבֶר. אַף־עַל־פִּי־כֵן אַחַר כָּל זֶה הָיָה הוֹלֵךְ דַּוְקָא לִטְבֹּל בְּהַמִּקְוֶה שֶׁהָיְתָה עוֹמֶדֶת בַּחוּץ, כְּדֵי לְסַגֵּף עַצְמוֹ. וְכָל זֶה בְּהֶצְנֵעַ בַּלַּיְלָה.
(ד) וְשָׁמַעְתִּי מֵאֶחָד שֶׁאָמַר שֶׁשָּׁמַע מִפִּיו הַקָּדוֹשׁ: שֶׁבְּעֵת שֶׁעָשָׂה הַנְהָגוֹת אֵלּוּ, לֹא הָיָה כִּי־אִם בֶּן שִׁשָּׁה שָׁנִים.
(ה) וְכָל כָּךְ הָיָה מֻצְנָע בַּעֲבוֹדָתוֹ מִבְּנֵי אָדָם, עַד שֶׁפַּעַם אַחַת הָלַךְ לַמִּקְוֶה בַּבֹּקֶר בַּחֹרֶף, וּבָא מֵהַטְּבִילָה וְהַפֵּאוֹת הָיוּ לַחוֹת מֵהַמַּיִם. וְתָמְהוּ עָלָיו הָעוֹלָם; שֶׁבַּחֹרֶף יִהְיֶה הָאָדָם חוֹפֵף ראֹשׁוֹ?. כִּי לֹא עָלָה עַל דַּעְתָּם שֶׁהָיָה בַּמִּקְוֶה, רַק סָבְרוּ שֶׁחָפַף ראֹשׁוֹ. וְתָמְהוּ עָלָיו עַל שֶׁחָפַף ראֹשׁוֹ בִּקְרִירוּת כָּזֶה. וְהָיוּ מַחֲזִיקִים זֹאת לְמַעֲשֶׂה נַעֲרוּת שֶׁלּוֹ. כִּי הָיָה מֻצְנָע מְאֹד מְאֹד בַּעֲבוֹדָתוֹ.
(ו) גַּם כָּל הַתַּעֲנִיתִים הָרַבִּים מְאֹד שֶׁהִתְעַנָּה, לֹא הָיָה יוֹדֵעַ מֵהֶם שׁוּם אָדָם בָּעוֹלָם, אֲפִלּוּ אָבִיו וְאִמּוֹ וּקְרוֹבָיו. רַק אִשְׁתּוֹ לְבַד הָיְתָה יוֹדַעַת מִזֶּה. וְהָיָה מַשְׁבִּיעָהּ שֶׁלֹּא תְּגַלֶּה לְשׁוּם אָדָם. וְהָיָה עוֹשֶׂה כַּמָּה וְכַמָּה תַּחְבּוּלוֹת לְהַעֲלִים וּלְהַסְתִּיר כָּל הַתַּעֲנִיתִים שֶׁהִתְעַנָּה בְּאֹפֶן שֶׁלֹּא יָדַע מֵהֶם אִישׁ.
(א) וּבְעֵת שֶׁהָיָה יוֹשֵׁב בְּבֵית חוֹתְנוֹ, כְּשֶׁהָיָה חָפֵץ לְדַבֵּר עִם הַבַּעַל־שֵׁם־טוֹב ז"ל, דְּהַיְנוּ לֵילֵךְ עַל קִבְרוֹ וּלְבַקֵּשׁ מֵאִתּוֹ אֵיזֶה דְּבַר בַּקָּשָׁה, הָיָה רָגִיל לִנְסֹעַ לִקְהִלַּת סְמִילָא שֶׁהָיָה סָמוּךְ לְבֵית חוֹתְנוֹ. וְהָלַךְ עַל קֶבֶר הַצַּדִּיק הַמְפֻרְסָם מוֹרֵנוּ הָרַב יְשַׁעְיָה מִיַּאנוּב ז"ל, שֶׁהוּא מֻנָּח שָׁם. וְעָשָׂה אֶת הַצַּדִּיק הַנַּ"ל לְשָׁלִיחַ – שֶׁיֵּלֵךְ וְיוֹדִיעַ לְהַבַּעַל־שֵׁם־טוֹב ז"ל אֶת בַּקָּשָׁתוֹ מַה שֶּׁהָיָה צָרִיךְ אָז.
(א) וּבְעִנְיַן תַּאֲוַת אֲכִילָה. הָיָה לוֹ גַּם־כֵּן מִלְחָמָה גְּדוֹלָה וִיגִיעָה גְּדוֹלָה מְאֹד קֹדֶם שֶׁשִּׁבְּרָהּ. כִּי בִּתְחִלָּה לֹא הָיָה מַשְׁגִּיחַ כְּלָל לְשַׁבֵּר תַּאֲוַת אֲכִילָה כַּנַּ"ל. אַחַר־כָּךְ רָצָה לְשַׁבֵּר תַּאֲוָה זוֹ, וְהָיָה קָשֶׁה וְכָבֵד עָלָיו מְאֹד מְאֹד. וְכָל־כָּךְ הָיָה קָשֶׁה עָלָיו שְׁבִירַת תַּאֲוַת אֲכִילָה, עַד שֶׁנִּדְמָה לוֹ שֶׁכָּל הַתַּאֲווֹת יוּכַל לְשַׁבֵּר מִלְּבַד תַּאֲוָה זוֹ שֶׁל אֲכִילָה. וְנִדְמָה לוֹ שֶׁתַּאֲוָה זוֹ שֶׁל אֲכִילָה בְּהֶכְרֵחַ שֶׁתִּשָּׁאֵר, כִּי אִי־אֶפְשָׁר לְשַׁבְּרָהּ. כָּל כָּךְ הָיָה חָזָק עָלָיו הִתְגַּבְּרוּת תַּאֲוָה זוֹ.
(ב) וְאַף־עַל־פִּי־כֵן הִתְגַבֵּר עַצְמוֹ וְכָפָה אֶת יִצְרוֹ וְשִׁבֵּר גַּם תַּאֲוָה זוֹ שֶׁל אֲכִילָה לְגַמְרֵי. וְגֹדֶל קְדֻשָּׁתוֹ בִּפְרִישׁוּת תַּאֲוַת אֲכִילָה הָיָה מְפֻרְסָם לְעֵין כֹּל. כִּי לֹא הָיָה אוֹכֵל כְּלָל, וְגַם מְעַט שֶׁהָיָה אוֹכֵל הָיָה בְּהֶכְרֵחַ גָּדוֹל מְאֹד. וְהֻכְרַח לְהַכְרִיחַ עַצְמוֹ בְּכָל הַכֹּחוֹת כְּדֵי לֶאֱכֹל מְעַט, כְּדֵי שֶׁיִּהְיֶה לוֹ אֵיזֶה כֹּחַ לִחְיוֹת.
(ג) וְאָמַר, שֶׁבַּתְּחִלָּה הִתְחִיל לְשַׁבֵּר תַּאֲוַת אֲכִילָה, דְּהַיְנוּ שֶׁהָיָה מַכְרִיחַ עַצְמוֹ וְהִרְגִּיל עַצְמוֹ לֶאֱכֹל פָּחוֹת מִמַּה שֶׁהָיָה אוֹכֵל תְּחִלָּה. וּכְשֶׁנַּעֲשָׂה רָגִיל בָּזֶה שֶׁיֹּאכַל פָּחוֹת מִקֹּדֶם, רָאָה שֶׁגַּם עֲדַיִן יֵשׁ לוֹ תַּאֲוָה בְּזֹאת הָאֲכִילָה אַף־עַל־פִּי שֶׁהִיא פְּחוּתָה מִקֹּדֶם. וְהִתְחִיל שׁוּב לְשַׁבֵּר תַּאֲוָתוֹ וְלֶאֱכֹל עוֹד פָּחוֹת מִזֶּה. וְאַחַר־כָּךְ רָאָה שֶׁגַּם זֶה תַּאֲוָה, וְאָכַל עוֹד יוֹתֵר פָּחוֹת. וְכֵן אַחַר־כָּךְ רָאָה שֶׁגַּם בָּזֶה יֵשׁ לוֹ תַּאֲוָה עֲדַיִן וְאָכַל עוֹד יוֹתֵר פָּחוֹת. וּבְדֶרֶךְ זֶה נָהַג, עַד שֶׁהָיָה אֲכִילָתוֹ פְּחוּתָה וּמְעוּטָה מְאֹד מְאֹד בְּתַכְלִית הַצִּמְצוּם וְהַמִּעוּט, אֲשֶׁר אִי־אֶפְשָׁר לְבָאֵר.
(ד) וְאַחַר־כָּךְ יִשֵּׁב עַצְמוֹ: שֶׁאַף־עַל־פִּי שֶׁאֲכִילָתוֹ מְעוּטָה מְאֹד, אַף־עַל־פִּי־כֵן עֲדַיִן יֵשׁ לוֹ תַּאֲוָה בְּזֶה הַמְּעַט שֶׁאוֹכֵל. וְהִתְגַּבֵּר עַצְמוֹ וְשִׁבֵּר הַתַּאֲוָה גַּם בְּזֶה הַמְּעַט. עַד שֶׁשִּׁבֵּר תַּאֲוַת אֲכִילָה לְגַמְרֵי, וְיָצָא מֵהַתַּאֲוָה לְגַמְרֵי בְּתַכְלִית הַקְּדֻשָּׁה, עַד שֶׁלֹּא הָיָה לוֹ שׁוּם תַּאֲוָה כְּלָל וּכְלָל לֹא.
(ה) וּבֵין כָּךְ וּבֵין כָּךְ שֶׁהָיָה פּוֹרֵשׁ עַצְמוֹ כָּל־כָּךְ מֵהָאֲכִילָה, מֵחֲמַת זֶה לֹא הָיָה יָכוֹל עוֹד לֶאֱכֹל כְּלָל. וּכְפִי הַנִּרְאֶה מִדְּבָרָיו הָיָה: שֶׁאַחַר־כָּךְ הָיָה לוֹ כֹּחַ לֶאֱכֹל בִּקְדֻשָּׁה בְּלִי תַּאֲוָה כְּלָל, אֲפִלּוּ אִם הָיָה אוֹכֵל הַרְבֵּה, אֲבָל כְּבָר לֹא הָיָה יָכוֹל לֶאֱכֹל מֵחֲמַת רְגִילוּתוֹ שֶׁהִרְגִּיל עַצְמוֹ בַּאֲכִילָה פְּחוּתָה וּמְעוּטָה מְאֹד.
(ו) וְאָמַר: שֶׁאַחַר־כָּךְ, עַל הַיָּם בְּעֵת שֶׁנָּסַע לְאֶרֶץ־יִשְׂרָאֵל, אָז רָאָה שֶׁאֵין לוֹ שׁוּם חִיּוּת מִשּׁוּם דָּבָר אֲזַי הִכְרִיחַ עַצְמוֹ לֶאֱכֹל קְצָת. וּמֵאָז וָהָלְאָה הֻרְגַּל לֶאֱכֹל קְצָת. אֲבָל קֹדֶם לָזֶה לֹא הָיָה אוֹכֵל אֲפִלּוּ אֲכִילָה פְּחוּתָה כָּזוֹ. כִּי בֶּאֱמֶת גַּם אַחַר־כָּךְ, אַחַר שֶׁהָיָה עַל הַיָּם, הָיְתָה אֲכִילָתוֹ גַּם־כֵּן מְעוּטָה מְאֹד מְאֹד. וּמִקֹּדֶם גַּם שִׁעוּר פָּחוּת כָּזֶה לֹא הָיָה אוֹכֵל.
(ז) וּבְעִנְיַן הַנְּסִיעָה שֶׁלּוֹ לְאֶרֶץ־יִשְׂרָאֵל, יֵשׁ הַרְבֵּה לְסַפֵּר. גֹּדֶל הַיִּסּוּרִים הָעֲצוּמִים וְהַקָּשִׁים מְאֹד מְאֹד שֶׁהָיָה לוֹ בַּהֲלִיכָה וּבַחֲזָרָה, וְגֹדֶל הַיְגִיעוֹת וְהַמְּסִירוּת נֶפֶשׁ וְרִבּוּי הַמְּנִיעוֹת שֶׁהָיָה לוֹ קֹדֶם שֶׁזָּכָה לָבוֹא לְאֶרֶץ־יִשְׂרָאֵל. (וִיבֹאַר כָּל זֶה בְּקֻנְטְרֵס מְיֻחָד לְקַמָּן בְּעֶזְרַת ה' יִתְבָּרַךְ, אֶפֶס קָצֵהוּ וְלֹא כֻּלּוֹ. כִּי אִי־אֶפְשָׁר לְבָאֵר הַכֹּל).
(א) וּבְעִנְיַן שְׁבִירַת כָּל הַמִּדּוֹת רָעוֹת, הָיָה מֻפְלָג בִּקְדֻשָּׁה מֻפְלֶגֶת מְאֹד מְאֹד.
(ב) וּקְצָת סִפֵּר מֵעִנְיַן שְׁבִירַת כַּעַס וְאָמַר: שֶׁמִּתְּחִלָּה הָיָה כַּעֲסָן גָּדוֹל מְאֹד מְאֹד. וְאַחַר־כָּךְ מֵחֲמַת שֶׁרָצָה לִהְיוֹת אִישׁ כָּשֵׁר כִּרְצוֹנוֹ יִתְבָּרַךְ, הִתְחִיל לְשַׁבֵּר מִדָּה זוֹ שֶׁל כַּעַס עַד שֶׁזָּכָה לְשַׁבֵּר מִדָּה זוֹ שֶׁל כַּעַס.
(ג) אֲבָל תַּכְלִית שְׁבִירַת מִדָּה זוֹ מֵהֶפֶךְ אֶל הֶפֶךְ, דְּהַיְנוּ לְהִתְהַפֵּךְ לְטוֹב גָּמוּר, שֶׁלֹּא יִכְפַּת לֵהּ כְּלָל וּכְלָל שׁוּם דָּבָר, וְיִהְיֶה רַק טוֹב בְּלִי שׁוּם צַד קְפִידָא בָּעוֹלָם, זֶה זָכָה רַק בְּאֶרֶץ־יִשְׂרָאֵל. שָׁם זָכָה לָזֶה שֶׁנִּתְבַּטֵּל הַכַּעַס בְּתַכְלִית הַבִּטּוּל, וְזָכָה וְנַעֲשָׂה טוֹב מַמָּשׁ, וְלֹא נִשְׁאַר בּוֹ שׁוּם צַד קְפִידָא בְּעָלְמָא. עַד שֶׁאַחַר־כָּךְ אֲפִלּוּ מִי שֶׁהָיָה עוֹשֶׂה לוֹ כָּל הָרָעוֹת שֶׁבָּעוֹלָם לֹא הָיָה בְּלִבּוֹ שׁוּם צַד שִׂנְאָה וּקְפֵדָא עָלָיו, אַדְּרַבָּא הָיָה אוֹהֲבוֹ וְלֹא הָיָה בְּלִבּוֹ עָלָיו כְּלָל, כִּי הָיָה רַק כֻּלּוֹ טוֹב מַמָּשׁ. וְגֹדֶל עֹצֶם הַפְלָגַת מִדַּת טוּבוֹ הָיָה מְפֻרְסָם לְכָל מַכִּירָיו, כִּי הָיָה רַק כֻּלּוֹ טוֹב בְּלִי שׁוּם צַד קְפֵדָה וָכַעַס כְּלָל רַק כֻּלּוֹ טוֹב.
(ד) וְזֶה זָכָה בְּאֶרֶץ־יִשְׂרָאֵל כַּנַּ"ל (וּכְבָר מְבֹאָר בִּסְפָרָיו הַקְּדוֹשִׁים, תּוֹרָה עַל זֶה, שֶׁדַּיְקָא בְּאֶרֶץ־יִשְׂרָאֵל זוֹכִין לִבְחִינַת זוֹ שֶׁהוּא בְּחִינַת "אֶרֶךְ אַפַּיִם" הֶפֶךְ כַּעַס וַחֲרוֹן אַף. וְשֶׁבִּשְׁבִיל זֶה נִתְאַוָּה מֹשֶׁה רַבֵּנוּ לְאֶרֶץ־יִשְׂרָאֵל וְכוּ' כְּמוֹ שֶׁכָּתוּב: "וַיְמַהֵר מֹשֶׁה וַיִּקֹּד אַרְצָה" וְדָרְשׁוּ רַבּוֹתֵינוּ ז"ל: 'מָה רָאָה – אֶרֶךְ אַפַּיִם רָאָה' וְכוּ' ע"ש).
(ה) וּבְמִדַּת עֲנָוָה הִתְפָּאֵר עַצְמוֹ מְאֹד שֶׁהוּא עָנָו בְּתַכְלִית הָעֲנָוָה.
(ו) וְאָמַר שֶׁאֵין מִי שֶׁזּוֹכֶה לַעֲנָוָה בֶּאֱמֶת, כִּי־אִם מִי שֶׁהוּא בְּמַדְרֵגָה זוֹ, שֶׁיָּכוֹל לוֹמַר עַל־עַצְמוֹ שֶׁהוּא עָנָו. כְּמוֹ מֹשֶׁה רַבֵּנוּ, ע"ה שֶׁכָּתַב עַל־עַצְמוֹ: "וְהָאִישׁ מֹשֶׁה עָנָו מְאֹד מִכֹּל הָאָדָם" וְכוּ'. וּכְמוֹ שֶׁמָּצִינוּ בְּדִבְרֵי רַבּוֹתֵינוּ ז"ל שֶׁאָמַר רַב יוֹסֵף "אַל תִּתְנֵי עֲנָוָה דְּאִיכָּא אֲנָא".
(ז) וְהוּא ז"ל, הָיָה בִּבְחִינָה זוֹ, וְהִתְפָּאֵר עַצְמוֹ בְּעֹצֶם מַעֲלָתוֹ בְּמִדַּת עֲנָוָה בְּתַכְלִית הַבִּטּוּל לְגַמְרֵי.
(א) וְאָמַר: שֶׁהוּא עָנָו בְּתַכְלִית הָעֲנִיווּת בְּכָל הָאֵיבָרִים.
(ב) כִּי יֵשׁ אֶחָד שֶׁהוּא עָנָו וְאֵין הָעֲנָוָה בַּלֵּב, וְיֵשׁ שֶׁהוּא עָנָו וְאֵין הָעֲנָוָה מַגִּיעַ בְּאֵיזֶה אֵיבָר. אֲבָל אֶצְלוֹ הָעֲנָוָה בְּתַכְלִית בְּכָל הָאֵיבָרִים כִּי לִבּוֹ וְכָל אֵיבָרָיו הֵם בְּתַכְלִית הַבִּטּוּל.
(א) גַּם הֵבַנּוּ מִדְּבָרָיו, שֶׁהָיָה מְסַפֵּר עִמָּנוּ: שֶׁבִּימֵי נְעוּרָיו, בְּעֵת שֶׁיָּגַע וְטָרַח בִּשְׁבִיל עֲבוֹדַת הַשֵּׁם, הָיוּ לוֹ כַּמָּה וְכַמָּה מִינֵי סִגּוּפִים. וּכְפִי הַנִּשְׁמָע וּמוּבָן מִדְּבָרָיו; שֶׁהָיָה לוֹ כָּל מִינֵי סִגּוּפִים שֶׁבָּעוֹלָם, הֵן גִּלְגּוּל שֶׁלֶג וְכוּ' וְכַיּוֹצֵא.
(ב) וְאָמַר, שֶׁהַסִּגּוּף לֶאֱחֹז עַצְמוֹ לִבְלִי לְחַכֵּךְ עַצְמוֹ כְּלָל, זֶהוּ הַסִּגּוּף הַגָּדוֹל בְּיוֹתֵר. דְּהַיְנוּ כְּשֶׁמְּנַשְּׁכִים לָאָדָם הַדְּבָרִים הַשְּׁכִיחִים סָמוּךְ לַבָּשָׂר, וְדֶרֶךְ כָּל אָדָם לְחַכֵּךְ עַצְמוֹ בְּכָל־עֵת שֶׁמַּרְגִּישׁ אֵיזֶה נְשִׁיכָה. וְהָיָה מְקַבֵּל זֹאת לְסִגּוּף לֶאֱנֹס אֶת עַצְמוֹ לִבְלִי לַעֲשׂוֹת שׁוּם חִכּוּךְ, לֹא בַּיָּד וְלֹא בַּגּוּף וְלֹא בְּשׁוּם אֵיבָר. וְאָמַר: שֶׁזֶּהוּ סִגּוּף גָּדוֹל מְאֹד, כִּי הָאָדָם מֻנָּח, וְהַנְּשִׁיכוֹת מִתְגַּבְּרִים אָז בְּיוֹתֵר וְהוּא אָסוּר לוֹ לָזוּז בְּיָדָיו וְלֹא בְּשׁוּם אֵבָר רַק מַרְגִּישׁ כָּל נְשִׁיכָה בַּמֹּחַ. וְהוּא סִגּוּף גָּדוֹל מְאֹד (וּכְבָר שָׁמַעְתִּי זֹאת גַּם מִשְּׁאָר אֲנָשִׁים שֶׁזֶּהוּ סִגּוּף גָּדוֹל מְאֹד).
(ג) וְהוּא ז"ל עָשָׂה הַכֹּל, כָּל מִינֵי סִגּוּפִים שֶׁבָּעוֹלָם. וְהַכֹּל בִּתְמִימוּת וּבֶאֱמֶת עַד שֶׁזָּכָה לְמַה שֶּׁזָּכָה אַשְׁרֵי לוֹ.
(ד) גַּם בְּעִנְיַן יִסּוּרִים שֶׁיֵּשׁ עַל רֹב הַצַּדִּיקִים, מַמָּשׁ לֹא נִשְׁמַע וְלֹא נִרְאָה בַּעַל יִסּוּרִין כְּמוֹתוֹ וְאִי־אֶפְשָׁר לְסַפֵּר וּלְבָאֵר. וְהָיָה מָלֵא יִסּוּרִים מִבַּיִת וּמִחוּץ. וּבִתְחִלָּה, קֹדֶם סוֹף יָמָיו הָיָה לוֹ יִסּוּרִים עֲצוּמִים וְנוֹרָאִים אֲשֶׁר לֹא הָיוּ יִסּוּרִים דֻּגְמָתָם בָּעוֹלָם.
(ה) וְסִפֵּר: שֶׁהַיִּסּוּרִים שֶׁלּוֹ הֵם בְּיָדוֹ בְּכָל־עֵת שֶׁרוֹצֶה הוּא מְקַבְּלָם עַל־עַצְמוֹ וּבָאִים עָלָיו הַיִּסּוּרִים הַלָּלוּ, וּבְעֵת שֶׁרוֹצֶה לְסַלְּקָם נִסְתַּלְּקִים מֵעָלָיו.
(ו) וְעֹצֶם קְשִׁי וְכֹבֶד הַיִּסּוּרִים הַלָּלוּ הָיָה בְּלִי שִׁעוּר. וְאָמְרוּ בִּשְׁמוֹ, שֶׁאָמַר: שֶׁבְּשָׁעָה שֶׁבָּאוּ עָלָיו הַיִּסּוּרִים, מֵעֹצֶם הַפְלָגַת הַצַּעַר וְהַכְּאֵב הַמֻּפְלָג מְאֹד מְאֹד, הָיָה כִּמְעַט יָכוֹל לִנְשֹׁךְ עֵץ בְּשִׁנָּיו מֵעֹצֶם הַכְּאֵב (כְּדֶרֶךְ הָאָדָם שֶׁיֵּשׁ לוֹ יִסּוּרִים מֻפְלָגִים שֶׁמֵּעֹצֶם הַיִּסּוּרִים הוּא חוֹרֵק בְּשִׁנָּיו. וְעָלָיו ז"ל, הָיוּ יִסּוּרִים כְּבֵדִים וְקָשִׁים כָּל־כָּךְ עַד שֶׁבִּשְׁעַת הַיִּסּוּרִים הָיָה אֶפְשָׁר, שֶׁיַּחְתֹּךְ עֵצִים בְּשִׁנָּיו מֵעֹצֶם הַצַּעַר).
(ז) אוּלָם גֹּדֶל וְרִבּוּי הַיִּסּוּרִים הַקָּשִׁים וְהָעֲצוּמִים שֶׁהָיָה לוֹ בְּסוֹף יָמָיו שְׁלשָׁה שָׁנִים רְצוּפִים הָיוּ גְּדוֹלִים וְקָשִׁים עוֹד יוֹתֵר וְיוֹתֵר בְּכִפְלֵי כִּיפְלַיִם אֲשֶׁר אֵין לְשַׁעֵר וּלְהַעֲרִיךְ כְּלָל. (וּקְצָת מִזֶּה יְבֹאָר בְּמָקוֹם אַחֵר אִם יִרְצֶה הַשֵּׁם אֶפֶס קָצֵהוּ. וְיֵשׁ עוֹד הַרְבֵּה בָּזֶה לְסַפֵּר אַךְ הִשְׁמַטְנוּ הָרֹב אֲפִלּוּ מְהַמְּעַט שֶׁאָנוּ יוֹדְעִים, כִּי גַּם זֶה הַמְּעַט הוּא רַב לְסַפֵּר וְלֹא יַסְפִּיקוּ הַרְבֵּה יְרִיעוֹת. וְעוֹד חָזוֹן לַמּוֹעֵד לְבָאֵר יוֹתֵר בְּעֶזְרַת ה' יִתְבָּרַךְ).
(א) כְּלָל הַדְּבָרִים: שֶׁבְּכָל עִנְיְנֵי קְדֻשָּׁה וּפְרִישׁוּת, הֵן בְּתַאֲוֹות וְהֵן בְּמִדּוֹת וְהֵן בְּעִנְיְנֵי יְגִיעוֹת וַעֲבוֹדוֹת וְּטְרָחוֹת וְיִסּוּרִים וְכוּ' בִּשְׁבִילוֹ יִתְבָּרַךְ, הַכֹּל כַּאֲשֶׁר לַכֹּל, הָיָה חִדּוּשׁ נִפְלָא וְנוֹרָא מְאֹד. וְהָיָה מֻפְשָׁט מִכָּל הַתַּאֲווֹת וּמִכָּל הַמִּדּוֹת בְּתַכְלִית, עַד שֶׁלֹּא נִשְׁאַר לוֹ מִשּׁוּם תַּאֲוָה וּמִדָּה שׁוּם שֶׁמֶץ בְּעָלְמָא. וְזָכָה לְמַעֲלָה נוֹרָאָה מְאֹד מְאֹד בְּתַכְלִית הַמַּעֲלָה. וְאִי־אֶפְשָׁר לְדַבֵּר כְּלָל בְּעֹצֶם הַפְלָגַת מַעֲלָתוֹ כִּי 'כָּל הַמּוֹסִיף גּוֹרֵעַ'.
(ב) וְכָל מַה שֶּׁסִּפַּרְנוּ עַד הֵנָּה, אִם אָמְנָם כִּגְנוּת נֶחֶשְׁבוּ כָּל הַסִּפּוּרִים הַנַּ"ל לְנֶגְדּוֹ לְפִי עֹצֶם מַעֲלָתוֹ שֶׁזָּכָה אַחַר־כָּךְ. עִם כָּל זֶה סִפַּרְנוּ כָּל זֶה מֵעִנְיַן עֲבוֹדָתוֹ וְדַרְכּוֹ בִּימֵי יַלְדוּתוֹ, לְמַעַן נֵדַע וְנַשְׂכִּיל אֵיךְ הַבְּחִירָה חָפְשִׁית וְכָל אָדָם יוּכַל לִזְכּוֹת אִם יִרְצֶה לְמַעֲלָה מֻפְלֶגֶת מְאֹד.
(ג) אַף־עַל־פִּי שֶׁנִּדְמֶה לוֹ שֶׁקָּשֶׁה וְכָבֵד עָלָיו הָעֲבוֹדָה מְאֹד, וְאֵין מַנִּיחִין אוֹתוֹ לִכָּנֵס כְּלָל בַּעֲבוֹדָתוֹ יִתְבָּרַךְ כִּי הַתַּאֲווֹת וְהַמִּדּוֹת רוֹדְפִין אַחֲרָיו מְאֹד, אַף־עַל־פִּי־כֵן צָרִיךְ שֶׁיִּהְיֶה עַקְשָׁן בַּעֲבוֹדָתוֹ וְלִבְלִי לְהִסְתַּכֵּל עַל כָּל זֶה.
(ד) כִּי בְּסִפּוּרִים הַלָּלוּ יָבִין הֶחָכָם מִדַּעְתּוֹ, אֵיךְ גַּם עַל רַבֵּנוּ הַקָּדוֹשׁ וְהַנּוֹרָא זצוק"ל עָבַר גַּם־כֵּן כָּל הַמְּנִיעוֹת וְהַכְּבֵדוּת הַנַּ"ל, וְעָבַר בְּכָל זֶה, וְאַף־עַל־פִּי־כֵן זָכָה לְשַׁבֵּר הַכֹּל מֵחֲמַת שֶׁרָצָה בֶּאֱמֶת בַּעֲבוֹדָתוֹ יִתְבָּרַךְ וּבָחַר בַּחַיִּים בֶּאֱמֶת עַד שֶׁזָּכָה לְמַה שֶּׁזָּכָה.
(ה) וְאָמַר: שֶׁאֲפִלּוּ לֹא הָיָה מִזֶּרַע הָאֱלֹקִי הַבַּעַל־שֵׁם־טוֹב זצקו"ל, רַק אֲפִלּוּ אִם הָיָה מִמִּשְׁפָּחָה הַיְרוּדָה שֶׁבְּיִשְׁרָאֵל, הָיָה זוֹכֶה גַּם־כֵּן לְמַה שֶּׁזָּכָה עַל־יְדֵי עֹצֶם עֲבוֹדָתוֹ וִיגִיעָתוֹ שֶׁיָּגַע וְטָרַח מְאֹד מְאֹד בַּעֲבוֹדָתוֹ יִתְבָּרַךְ.
(א) וְהִקְפִּיד מְאֹד עַל אֵלּוּ הָאֲנָשִׁים שֶׁסּוֹבְרִים שֶׁעִקַּר מַעֲלַת הַצַּדִּיק וְהָשָּׂגָתוֹ שֶׁזּוֹכֶה הוּא מִצַּד הַנְּשָׁמָה לְבַד, מֵחֲמַת שֶׁיֵּשׁ לוֹ נְשָׁמָה גָּבֹהַּ מְאֹד. וְאָמַר: שֶׁלֹּא כֵן הַדָּבָר! רַק הָעִקָּר תָּלוּי בְּמַעֲשִׂים טוֹבִים וִיגִיעוֹת וַעֲבוֹדוֹת.
(ב) וְאָמַר בְּפֵרוּשׁ: שֶׁכָּל אָדָם שֶׁבָּעוֹלָם יָכוֹל לִזְכּוֹת לְמַדְרֵגָה הַגָּבֹהַּ בְּיוֹתֵר. כִּי אֵין הַדָּבָר תָּלוּי אֶלָּא בִּבְחִירַת הָאָדָם לְבַד, אִם יִרְצֶה לְרַחֵם עַל־עַצְמוֹ וּלְיַשֵּׁב עַצְמוֹ הֵיטֵב הֵיטֵב מַה שֶּׁטּוֹב לְפָנָיו בֶּאֱמֶת וְכוּ' "וְהַכֹּל לְפִי רֹב הַמַּעֲשֶׂה".
(א) וְעַל־כֵּן, אֲפִלּוּ הַמּוֹפְתִים הַנּוֹרָאִים שֶׁרָאִינוּ מֵרַבֵּנוּ ז"ל, אֵין אָנוּ עוֹסְקִים בָּזֶה לְסַפְּרָם. כִּי אֵין זֶה שֶׁבַח אֶצְלוֹ כְּלָל, לְפִי עֹצֶם הַפְלָגַת מַעֲלָתוֹ. רַק סִפַּרְנוּ מַה שֶּׁנּוֹגֵעַ לַעֲבוֹדָתוֹ יִתְבָּרַךְ, לְמַעַן יִתְעוֹרֵר הַמַּשְׂכִּיל הֶחָפֵץ בֶּאֱמֶת.
(ב) כִּי אֵין שׁוּם תֵּרוּץ בָּעוֹלָם, וְכָל אָדָם יָכוֹל לִזְכּוֹת לְמַעֲלוֹת גְּבֹהוֹת, אִם יֵלֵךְ וְיִתְנַהֵג בְּדַרְכֵי רַבֵּנוּ ז"ל, שֶׁמְּבֹאָרִים כָּאן בְּסֵפֶר זֶה.
(ג) וְהָעִקָּר לִהְיוֹת רָגִיל מְאֹד בִּתְפִלּוֹת וּבַקָּשׁוֹת הַרְבֵּה מְאֹד וּבִפְרָט לְדַבֵּר בֵּינוֹ לְבֵין קוֹנוֹ בַּלָּשׁוֹן שֶׁמְּדַבְּרִים בּוֹ, לְהַרְבּוֹת בְּשִׂיחָה לְפָנָיו יִתְבָּרַךְ לְרַצּוֹתוֹ וּלְפַיְּסוֹ יִתְבָּרַךְ וּלְהִתְחַנֵּן לְפָנָיו שֶׁיְּקָרְבוֹ לַעֲבוֹדָתוֹ בֶּאֱמֶת.
(ד) וְדַי בְּהֶעָרָה זוֹ לְכָל הֶחָפֵץ בֶּאֱמֶת:
(1) As a small child, the Rebbe decided that he would detach himself completely from this world. He wanted to break the desire to eat, but because he was young, he thought it would be impossible to forgo his regular meals. He decided that he would swallow his food without chewing it. In this way, he would not derive any pleasure from the food. He continued doing this until his throat became completely swollen.
(2) When the Rebbe recounted this, he mentioned that he was only six years old at the time.
(3) We once heard of a great tzaddik who swallowed his food without chewing it, and this was considered very unique. The Rebbe did this when he was just a child.
(1) As a young child, the Rebbe wanted to literally fulfill the verse, “I have set God before me constantly” (Psalms 16:8). He continually tried to depict God’s Ineffable Name before his eyes, even while studying with his tutor. His thoughts were so occupied that he often did not know his lessons, making his teacher very angry.
(2) Despite this, the Rebbe acted like a normal child his age – playing, jumping and taking walks. He behaved this way constantly.
(1) When he became bar mitzvah, his uncle, Rabbi Ephraim of Sudylkov, called him and pronounced over him the verse, “Today I have begotten you” (Psalms 2:7). This verse speaks of the day a person becomes bar mitzvah, as discussed in the holy literature (cf. Zohar Chadash 10c). His uncle then spoke to him briefly regarding religious devotion, and these words were as dear to the Rebbe as if he had found a great treasure (Psalms 119:162).
(2) The Rebbe was married soon after this. Immediately after the wedding, he burned with enthusiasm, deeply yearning to serve God. Day by day, he moved further and further along this path of devotion.
(1) While still a child, the Rebbe began to devote every possible moment to his sacred studies. He would pay his tutor three silver coins out of his own pocket for each page of Gemara taught. This was in addition to the regular tuition paid by his father. The Rebbe would add his own bonus for each page so his tutor would exert himself to teach him many pages each day. The Rebbe’s plan succeeded and his tutor taught him a considerable amount every day, collecting his three extra coins for each page.
(1) This is the way the Rebbe served God. All his devotion was concealed to such an extent that not a single person knew about it. He kept everything well-hidden, cloaked in great secrecy.
(2) At first, the Rebbe’s way of serving God was one of extreme simplicity. He did not resort to any sophistication, but walked a very uncomplicated path.
(3) When the Rebbe was involved in his devotions, he did everything with great strength and effort. No form of devotion came easily and the Rebbe literally had to lay down his life in many cases. Each thing required tremendous effort, and he had to work hard each time he wanted to do something to serve God. He had thousands upon thousands of ups and downs.
(4) The most difficult thing was to begin to serve God and accept the yoke of true devotion. Each time he would begin, he would find himself falling. He would then begin anew and stumble yet another time. This occurred countless times, over and over again.
(5) Finally, the Rebbe resolved to stand fast and maintain his foothold without paying attention to anything else in the world. From then on, his heart was firm in its devotion to God. But even so, he went up and down many times. By then, however, he was determined never to abandon his devotion, no matter how many times he fell. No matter what happened, he would remain devoted to God to the very best of his ability.
(1) The Rebbe became accustomed to constantly begin anew. Whenever he fell from his particular level, he did not give up. He would simply say, “I will act as if I am just beginning to devote myself to God and this is the very first time.”
(2) This happened time and again, and each time he would start all over again. He would often begin anew many times in a single day. For even in the course of a day, there were many times when he would fall away from his high level of devotion. But each time he would start again, no matter how many times it happened, even within a single day (see “His Wisdom” #48).
(1) The Rebbe devoted every available moment to his sacred studies. He spent much time studying the Talmud, the Shulchan Arukh, the Bible, the Ein Yaakov, and the mystical books of the Zohar, the Tikkuney Zohar and the writings of the holy Ari. He also delved into many other sacred works, especially those involving Mussar.
(2) The Rebbe said that his father’s library contained all the small Mussar books and that he went through every one. He also spent much time with the Reishit Chokhmah, stating that he reread this remarkable work countless times.
(3) The Rebbe’s unique expertise in all sacred literature was obvious. He was particularly unique in his knowledge of the Bible, the Ein Yaakov, the Ari’s writings, and the Zohar and Tikkuney Zohar, to the point that literally no one could be compared to him.
(4) He was fluent in the entire Torah. He could quote anything in the sacred literature as if the book were opened in front of him. It was like a table set before him, where he could see everything and choose what he desired. The entire scope of our sacred literature was like this, standing ready before his mind’s eye to be used whenever he desired. This can be seen to some extent in the Rebbe’s writings.
(1) The Rebbe told us that all his studies required great effort.
(2) When he began to learn Mishnah as a young child, he did not understand it. He wept and wept until he was able to understand the Mishnah. Later, when he studied more advanced works, he again found himself unable to comprehend them. Again he cried bitterly until he was worthy of understanding. This was true even of such esoteric studies as the Zohar and the writings of the Ari, where understanding only came after long and bitter weeping.
(3) He said that when he began to study any work, he did not understand it. It was very difficult for him and he could not grasp its straightforward meaning. This greatly distressed him. His studies required prodigious effort, but nevertheless, he studied a lot by constantly encouraging himself. He achieved it all through his prayer and weeping.
(1) The Rebbe engaged in many fasts. Even while still in his teens, he fasted from Shabbat to Shabbat many times (see “His Wisdom” #160-161). There were occasions when he fasted from Shabbat to Shabbat twice in succession.
(2) Although the Rebbe was a child of delights (Jeremiah 31:19), raised in comfort, he was very thin. Still, he would disregard himself completely, fasting and mortifying himself in every possible way. Once he fasted from Shabbat to Shabbat eighteen times in a single year.
(1) The main way the Rebbe attained what he did was simply through prayer and supplication before God. He was very consistent in this. He would beg and plead in every way possible, asking that God have mercy and make him worthy of true devotion and closeness.
(2) What helped him most were his prayers in the language he usually spoke, which was Yiddish. He would find a secluded place and set it aside to express his thoughts to God.
(3) Speaking in his own language, he would beg and plead before God. He would make use of all sorts of arguments and logic, crying that it was fitting that God draw him close and help him in his devotion. He kept this up constantly, spending days and years engaged in such prayer.
(4) His father’s house had a small garret that was partitioned off as a storehouse for hay and feed. Here he would hide himself, chanting the Psalms and screaming quietly (see "His Wisdom" #16), begging God to make him worthy of drawing himself close to Him.
(5) Besides this, the Rebbe made use of every published prayer he could find. He went through all the books of prayers available, and there was not a prayer that he did not repeat countless times. He recited them all – the Psalms, the Sha'arey Tzion and the prayers printed in the large siddurim. He poured out his heart in every possible prayer and supplication, even those printed in Yiddish [for women]. Not a single one was omitted. The Rebbe also had the custom of reciting all the supplications following each day’s ma’amodot. He would say the prayers for all seven days of the week at one time.
(6) He also had the practice of chanting only the verses in Psalms that speak of prayer and the cry to God. He would go through the entire Book of Psalms in one stretch, saying only these verses and leaving out the rest.
(7) Beyond all this, the main thing was his own prayers, emanating from his heart in his own language. He would pray and argue before God, making up petitions and arguments as he went along. He would beg and plead that God make him worthy of true devotion.
(8) Prayers such as these helped the Rebbe achieve his greatness. We heard this explicitly from the Rebbe’s own holy lips.
(1) When the Rebbe was speaking before God, petitions and supplications would pour forth from his heart, and he would often bring up some particularly good argument, or compose an especially fitting and well-ordered prayer. He would take the prayers he particularly liked and preserve them in writing. These he would repeat many times.
(2) These conversations with God were the Rebbe’s most common practice. All his prayers had a single focus – that he should be worthy of drawing himself close to God. He presented God with many powerful arguments about this.
(1) Still, it always seemed to the Rebbe that all his prayers were being disregarded. He was sure that he was not wanted at all, and was being pushed further and further away from any true devotion. For he saw the days and years passing, and still he felt far from God. After all his prayers, he felt he had not been worthy of drawing close to God at all. It was as if his words were never heard and he had been totally ignored all this time. It seemed as though everything was being done to push him away from God.
(2) But the Rebbe’s resolve remained firm and he did not abandon his ground. It was not easy, for there were many things to discourage him. He prayed and pleaded before God, begging to be worthy of true devotion, and still he saw no results. He felt as if he was being totally ignored.
(3) There were times when he became discouraged and let his conversations with God lapse for several days. But then he would remind himself that he should be ashamed for criticizing God’s ways. He said to himself, “God is truly merciful and compassionate. He certainly wants to draw me near to Him.”
(4) Then he was able to strengthen his resolve again. He would begin anew, pleading and speaking before God. This happened many times (see Likutey Moharan II, 48).
(1) The Rebbe used to engage in all sorts of simple devotions. When it came to serving God, he was utterly without sophistication.
All the Rebbe’s devotions were also completely hidden. As soon as he found himself in public, he would make a special effort to do all sorts of childish things. He would jump and play so much that no one could tell he really wanted to devote himself to God.
(2) The following childhood custom illustrates both these points. As a young child, the Rebbe would often exchange several silver coins for coppers. Then he would secretly enter the synagogue through the window, taking along his copy of Sha'arey Tzion.
He would then joyfully recite the prayer, LeShem Yichud, asking that the elements of God’s Name be unified through the good deed he was about to do. As soon as he finished the prayer, he would take one copper and place it in the charity box for anonymous donors. He would then distract himself, as if he had completed the deed and was ready to leave. Then suddenly, he would begin again. He would say the LeShem Yichud a second time and deposit another copper in the charity box. He would distract himself again, and repeat the process.
(3) The Rebbe would do this again and again until he had placed every single copper in the charity box, each time repeating the LeShem Yichud. In this very simple and unsophisticated manner, he would perform not one, but many mitzvot with a single silver coin.
(4) This was the Rebbe’s way. He would serve God with many such simple-minded devotions, divorcing himself from all sophistication. It was not that he was incapable of sophistication. Nothing could be further from the truth. He was an outstanding genius, capable of great depth even as a child, as all who knew him could attest. Yet he made absolutely no use of his brilliance when it came to serving God. His devotion would be as simple as possible. He would study Torah, do good deeds, and pray and plead in seclusion, expressing his thoughts before God. He required nothing more complicated than this.
(5) This was the Rebbe’s true genius. He immediately grasped this most basic principle, that sophistication is totally unnecessary when one is serving God. This is truly the greatest wisdom (see Likutey Moharan II, 5:15; note 134, p. XX).
The Rebbe spoke of this many times. One does not have to be a genius to serve God. Just be simple and sincere, without any cleverness.
(1) No religious experience came easily for the Rebbe. Whenever he served God, he experienced every possible hardship.
(2) For example, he found it very difficult to sit alone in a special room for several hours, devoting himself to God. At first, this was next to impossible for him. But instead of giving up, he forced himself, overcoming his basic nature by spending many hours meditating in his special room.
(3) The same was true of his daily religious obligations. They burdened him like a heavy yoke and he often felt that they would crush him. His difficulties were unimaginable.
(4) But the Rebbe discovered a way that enabled him to bear even the heavy yoke of his devotion. Each day he would say to himself, “I have only this one day. I will ignore tomorrow and all future days. I have only this one day alone.”
(5) In this manner, the Rebbe was able to bear the yoke of his devotion for that day. It was only for one day, and for just a single day one can accept all sorts of burdens. Only when that day’s devotions were finished would the Rebbe accept the next day’s responsibilities.
(6) This was the Rebbe’s way. He would consider only one day at a time. In this manner, he was able to bear an extremely heavy yoke of devotion, a burden he could not otherwise endure at all.
(7) For the Rebbe served God with all sorts of devotions requiring great exertion and effort. His routine was so difficult that it would have been absolutely impossible had he not considered each day as the only day.
(1) The Rebbe used to make frequent use of vows. He would plan out an order of devotion for each day and often at the beginning of the day, make a vow to fulfill it. Then, because of the vow, he would be obliged to complete his plan regardless of how difficult it was. This was a frequent practice.
(2) The Rebbe made use of all sorts of safeguards to keep him from particular temptations or bad traits. Among his many devices was his use of vows. Often he would make an inviolable oath, holding a sacred object in his hand, just to strengthen his resolve and keep him from something he wished to avoid.
(1) The Rebbe’s holy qualities were very apparent in his conquest of the universal desire – namely, that of sex.
(2) He told us that he had had countless temptations. Still, he insisted that sex was not really all that much to be desired and certainly not a difficult test to withstand. The Rebbe said, “Any person, Jew and non-Jew alike, will not even think of sex as something much to be desired if he is truly wise. If one knows anatomy and understands bodily functions, he should be absolutely repulsed by this desire.” He spoke at length, but unfortunately, most of the discussion was forgotten.
(3) However, the general trend of his conversation was that the sexual act was ultimately repulsive. He emphasized this to such an extent that once he said flatly, “A man with even the smallest amount of true intelligence will not find this a temptation at all" (see “His Wisdom” #51).
(4) There was a time in the Rebbe’s youth when he had not yet subjugated this desire. At that time, he still had so many fearful sexual temptations that it is impossible to describe them in detail. In his youth, when his blood was literally burning, he experienced countless trials. He had many opportunities and was in great danger, time and again. But he was a stalwart warrior and overcame every evil desire. In this way, he surmounted his temptations many times.
(5) Despite this, the Rebbe did not seek to avoid temptation. He actually wanted to be tested and he prayed to God to set temptations before him. This shows how self-confident he was that he would not rebel against God. For he said, “How can one sin and disobey God, unless he is literally insane? But with just a little common sense, all temptations can be overcome” (Tzaddik #232). So firmly was the Rebbe’s heart resolved toward God.
(6) Despite all this, the temptations were very real and at the time, the Rebbe was in great peril. He would cry out to God again and again until he was able to surmount this evil. Difficult as his trials were, the Rebbe still did not attempt to avoid them. Countless times he battled with his passions, until God helped him and he was able to subjugate his impulse entirely.
(7) The Rebbe finally destroyed the fiery chamber of this universal desire completely. He then became very holy, totally separating himself from such pleasures. His separation was absolute, a great and awesome level of holiness. The Rebbe said, “The forces of evil would concede me everything if only I would go along with this. I will concede to everything else, but this one thing I will surmount completely.”
(8) The Evil One was willing to let the Rebbe overcome every single desire, as long as the Rebbe conceded to one thing. In all probability this refers to sex, the most universal temptation, for the main battle with the Evil One is this battle (see Likutey Moharan I, 2:9). But the Rebbe said that he would do the opposite. He would ignore his other desires and not work to control them at all. But the sexual desire he would eradicate completely.
(9) This is actually how the Rebbe began. At first, he directed all his effort toward this one goal, to annihilate every vestige of sexual desire. He totally ignored such pleasures as eating, making no effort at all to subdue them. Indeed, he would eat very much, even more than most people. He said, “At that time, I was drawing all my desires into my appetite for food.” But later, even this appetite was subdued (Tzaddik #218).
(10) Do not think that such self-control was a simple matter. In order to gain total control over his sexual instincts, the Rebbe had to battle countless temptations. It required many days and years of praying and begging and pouring out his heart before God, pleading that He rescue him from this desire.
(11) The Rebbe continued along this path until he was able to withstand all temptation. He sanctified himself to such a degree that his total separation from this desire cannot be imagined. In the end, he was worthy of subjugating it completely. He worked on himself until he actually found it difficult to understand how people could consider this desire difficult to control. For to him, it was no longer any temptation at all.
(12) The Rebbe discussed this with us often, telling us how he annihilated this desire and was actually repulsed by it. He said, “It is impossible to speak about this with people who have already defiled themselves. It is so intermingled with their blood that it has become part of their very minds. Thus, they cannot comprehend this. It cannot enter their hearts. They do not know that a person can possess so much self-control that he can actually be repelled by sex.”
(13) But enough said. One who has any true intelligence at all can easily condition himself to reject this desire completely. For the Rebbe said that this is no temptation at all for the truly intelligent man. The Rebbe once said, “There must be a secret meaning in all this. For it is really no desire at all.”
(14) He took pride in overcoming this instinct entirely. When it came to this, he was a very holy and awesome individual.
(15) He said, “I do not have any feeling of desire at all. Men and women are all the same to me.” When he saw or spoke with a woman, he needed no struggle to prevent an untoward thought, because it was all the same to him (cf. Ketubot 17a).
(1) The Rebbe said, “The true tzaddik has such a degree of self-control that even marital relations are difficult for him. He is so far removed from these instincts that they cause him as much suffering as circumcision causes a child. The tzaddik has even more anguish, for an infant does not realize what is happening. But the tzaddik has full realization and therefore suffers even greater pain.
(2) The Rebbe considered this a simple accomplishment. He said, “Every person can attain this level.” And from the way he said it, it was apparent that his own holiness was much greater.
(1) The Rebbe said, “To me, men and women are alike.” He did not have a single wayward thought when looking at a woman. To him, it was no different than looking at a man.
(2) He once said, “I am afraid of neither woman nor angel.” This requires explanation. A person may cleanse himself totally of evil thoughts. However, as long as he has the slightest fear of such thoughts, he is not absolutely cleansed. This slight fear indicates that he has not yet attained absolute purity. Therefore, he must fear an angel.
(3) This was the Rebbe’s meaning. He had no reason to fear his thoughts, and therefore he did not fear any angel.
(4) Our Sages allude to this concept to some degree, as the saintly Rav Amram said to an angel, “I am flesh and you are fire, and I am better than you” (Kiddushin 81a). The Rebbe explains this excerpt in Likutey Moharan. Read his words carefully and you will understand.
(1) During his childhood, the Rebbe constantly visited the grave of the holy Baal Shem Tov. He would speak to his great-grandfather and ask him to help him draw close to God.
(2) He would go at night, even during the great winter frosts. After leaving the gravesite he would immerse in a mikvah. The town of Medzeboz, where he lived as a child, had two mikvaot. One was inside the bathhouse and the other was in the outside courtyard. The Rebbe always chose to immerse in the outdoor mikvah, even during the great frosts when he was thoroughly chilled from his trip to the Baal Shem Tov’s grave.
(3) It was a long walk from the Rebbe’s house to the cemetery. Then the Rebbe could spend a long time at the grave. After this, he had another long walk to the mikvah. He would arrive there frozen, but would still use the outdoor mikvah. He forced himself to do this in order to gain total self-mastery. All this took place late at night, when he could not be seen.
(4) I heard this from another person who heard it from the Rebbe’s own holy lips. This practice took place when the Rebbe was no more than six years old.
(5) The Rebbe concealed his devotions to such an extent that there were often humorous results. One icy winter morning, he went to the mikvah and returned to the synagogue with dripping wet peyot. The people looked at him with surprise, wondering why his hair was wet. They never imagined that such a young child was immersing in the mikvah, and thought that he had washed his hair. But washing one’s hair early in the morning on such a frigid day seemed ludicrous, so they dismissed it as another one of his childish ways. No one ever imagined the truth, so completely did he conceal his devotions.
(6) The same was true of his many great fasts. Not a single person knew about them, not even his parents and relatives. Only his wife knew that he was not taking his meals, and he made her swear not to reveal it. The Rebbe used every device possible to conceal his fasts so that no one knew about them at all (see “His Wisdom” #160-162).
(1) When the Rebbe left Medzeboz and went to live with his father-in-law, there were still many occasions when he wanted to speak to the Baal Shem Tov. Since he could not actually visit his grave, he would go to the grave of the renowned Rabbi Yeshaya of Yanov in the nearby city of Smela. He would ask the famed tzaddik to transmit his message to the Baal Shem Tov, telling him what he needed.
(1) The Rebbe fought another great battle to subdue his enjoyment for food. At first, he made no effort at all to control his appetite. When he began to work on it, he found the task most difficult. The subjugation of his sense of taste appeared to be so formidable that it seemed he could overcome every desire but this. No matter how much he tried to separate himself from worldly pleasures, it seemed that his appetite for food would remain. The power of this desire was so strong that it appeared impossible to control.
(2) But the Rebbe stood fast and overcame this instinct too, destroying his appetite for food completely. His great holiness when it came to eating was obvious and well-known. It seemed as if he ate nothing at all. He actually reached a point where he had to compel himself to eat anything. He had to force himself with all his strength in order to partake of the barest minimum required to sustain life.
(3) The Rebbe said that when he first began, he would force himself to eat less than usual. When he became accustomed to this amount, he would again compel himself to eat less. When he realized that he was still deriving enjoyment from this reduced amount, he would subdue his appetite and eat still less. Again he felt some pleasure, so he made his portions even smaller. He continued doing this until he had reduced the amount he ate to an absolute minimum. It is impossible to imagine how he even lived on such a small amount.
(4) The Rebbe realized that even this very small amount that he was eating gave him some pleasure. He girded himself and subdued even this small enjoyment. He continued in this manner until he literally did not derive any pleasure at all from eating. When he abandoned this desire, he reached a state of ultimate holiness, no longer deriving any pleasure whatsoever from the physical world.
(5) At first, when the Rebbe separated himself from the pleasure of taste, he found it almost impossible to eat at all. But from his words, it appears that later on he was able to eat with absolute holiness. He no longer derived any pleasure, no matter how much he ate. But in the beginning, he accustomed himself to eat very little, and even eating this much was an arduous task.
(6) The Rebbe told us that he first began to eat again when he was at sea during his pilgrimage to the Holy Land. He saw that he could not sustain his life otherwise, so he forced himself to eat a little. From then on, he would eat a small amount of food. But until that time, he did not eat even that much. And though the amount he ate during his sea voyage was still very little, what he ate previously was much less.
(7) The Rebbe’s pilgrimage to the Land of Israel is a story of its own. He suffered bitterly, both coming and going. It took much effort and risk, overcoming many frustrations, before he was worthy of setting foot in the Holy Land. This will be recounted in the next section, but only to a small extent. We will tell a little of the story, but to describe it all is impossible.
(1) The Rebbe displayed outstanding saintliness in overcoming his bad traits.
(2) He told us a little of how he subdued his quick temper. At first, he was very bad-tempered, becoming angry at the slightest provocation. But because he wanted to be a good, kind person, as God desires, he began to work on his temper until he overcame it completely. He rejected anger out of hand, pushing himself to the opposite extreme. In the place of anger, he now had absolute patience and tolerance.
(3) The Rebbe reached a stage where nothing bothered him at all. He was so serene that nothing could annoy him. No matter how much bad a person did to him, he would tolerate it without any hatred whatsoever. He would love his opponents, not bearing any ill feelings toward them at all. The Rebbe was renowned for his outstanding serenity. There was a holy calmness about him, where nothing in the world could annoy or anger him. He was just absolutely good.
(4) But he became worthy of this only in the Holy Land.
The Rebbe revealed that only in the Holy Land can one attain true serenity, the opposite extreme of fierce anger (Likutey Moharan I, 155). For this reason, Moses longed to cross over the Jordan to the Promised Land. We learn this from the verse, “And Moses hurried and bowed down to the ground” (Exodus 34:8). Our Sages ask, “What did Moses see? He saw great serenity" (Sanhedrin 111b).
(5) The Rebbe also took pride in his extreme modesty. This may seem like a contradiction, but he was actually humble to the ultimate degree.
(6) He said, “One has not attained true humility unless he is on such a high level that he himself can say that he is modest.” This was the level of Moses, who could write about himself, “And the man Moses was very humble, more than any other man” (Numbers 12:2). It was also the level of the saintly Rabbi Joseph, who said, “Do not mention that humility no longer exists, for I am still alive” (Sotah 49b; see Likutey Moharan I, 4:7).
(7) The Rebbe also attained the level where he could take pride in his tremendous humility, since he had annihilated his ego completely.
(1) The Rebbe said, “I have banished pride from every part of my body.”
(2) There are some people who are humble, but still have a trace of pride in their hearts. Others have discarded all vanity from their bodies, but still have a vestige in an arm or a leg. The Rebbe attained absolute humility in every part of his body. His heart and his limbs were absolutely nullified.
(1) From what the Rebbe told us, we understood that in his effort to achieve total self-mastery in his youth, he would often force himself to do things that caused him great pain. He would force upon himself every kind of self-mortification, including such practices as rolling naked in the snow. All this was to achieve complete self-control, in order that he could serve God more perfectly.
(2) The Rebbe said that the greatest exercise of all in self-control was to refrain from scratching oneself. No matter how badly something itched, he would accept it with absolute serenity. As compelling as the sensation might be, he constrained himself completely and did not move a muscle to relieve it. He said that to allow an itching sensation to continue to increase and not so much as move was the greatest possible form of self-control. There is no greater agony than to just sit there and feel this crawling sensation in one’s mind and not do anything about it. We also heard from others what a great torture this is.
(3) Thus, the Rebbe forced himself to undergo every possible form of self-torture. He took it all upon himself with truth and sincerity until he achieved his great attainments. Happy is he!
(4) Besides this, there were the involuntary sufferings that most tzaddikim endured. Nobody suffered as much as the Rebbe. Such agonies were never before seen or heard, and are beyond all description. He was racked with suffering both inside and out (Tzaddik #154; Yemey Moharnat #11). In his final years, consumption devoured his lungs and his pain increased without measure. To describe his fearsome anguish is beyond the power of words.
(5) Throughout all this, the Rebbe said, “My suffering is always in my power.” Whenever he wanted to, he could accept the agony and feel it in full measure. But when he wished to, he could negate it and be totally oblivious to all pain (cf. Bava Metzia 84b).
(6) This was true even when the Rebbe’s suffering increased beyond all measure. We heard that he once said, “When these pains strike, I can bite through a wooden board.” He gritted his teeth so tightly because of his tremendous pain that he could have bitten through a board, so great was his suffering.
(7) During the last three years of his life, the Rebbe’s torments grew even worse than this. They multiplied again and again until they were absolutely beyond description. Some of this is recounted briefly in our other writings (cf. Tzaddik #39). There is much more to tell, but we omitted most of even the small amount we were able to understand, for even this would fill many volumes. The vision will come at its appointed time (Habbakuk 2:3) to tell the whole story, with God’s help.
(1) In everything that involved holiness or self-mastery, whether concerning desires or emotions, or in accepting great effort and suffering for the sake of God, the Rebbe was awesomely unique. He was totally removed from every desire and human failing. He totally subjugated every pleasure and emotion until not a trace remained that was not devoted to God. He was a person who lifted himself to fearsome heights. It is impossible to speak further of this extraordinary level, for "whoever adds, diminishes" (Sanhedrin 29a).
(2) Most of what we recounted speaks about the Rebbe’s youth, while he was as yet at the beginning of his spiritual growth. Compared to the levels that he later attained, these might even be considered as defects. But we related his youthful struggles and devotions in order to demonstrate what free will truly is and how much choice one really has. If he truly desires, any person can attain a truly extraordinary level.
(3) A person who seeks the path of devotion may find many obstacles in his path. Events may continuously confront him with pitfalls. His desires and emotions may pursue him constantly. Yet if only he has the desire, he can remain stubborn in his devotion and ignore all barriers.
(4) Reading these accounts, a person with any intelligence will realize that even the Rebbe faced such frustrations and difficulties. But he went through everything and was able to surmount all. The Rebbe truly desired to be a servant of God. He truly chose life (cf. Deuteronomy 30:19), and in this way, was worthy of his great attainments.
(5) The Rebbe insisted that his family background played no role in his achievements. He said, “Even if I were not of the family of the holy Baal Shem Tov, even if I had come from the lowliest Jewish family, I still would have attained what I did.” The Rebbe had no secret other than toil and effort, as he devoted his entire being to the service of God.
(1) The Rebbe spoke out very strongly against those who thought that a tzaddik attained such heights due to the lofty level of his soul. The Rebbe insisted that this was not true, but that it depends entirely on good deeds and effort. He was very specific when he emphasized this.
(2) He said, “Every man can attain the highest level. It depends on nothing except your own free choice. You must truly care about yourself and carefully decide what is truly good for you. For, "Everything depends on one's deeds" (Avot 3:15).
(1) Therefore, even the fearsome wonders that we saw by the Rebbe are of no concern to us here. According to his high level, these were not remarkable at all. We only seek to relate lessons of devotion, in order that an intelligent reader seeking the truth should be able to derive some inspiration.
(2) There are no excuses. Every person can aspire to the highest level, if only he follows the ways of the Rebbe recorded in this volume.
(3) The main thing is prayer. Accustom yourself to beg and plead before God. Speak to Him in any language you understand — this is especially important. Beg Him to open your eyes. Ask Him to help you along the path of devotion. Plead that you be worthy of drawing close to Him.
(4) The little we have written here should be enough for all who seek the truth.