Trigger activity:
What are your thoughts and feelings around people touching you in general?
Do your feelings change if you are touched by someone of the gender you are sexually attracted to? Not attracted to?
None of you men shall come near anyone of his own flesh to uncover nakedness: I am the L-rd.
Chapter 18 of Leviticus begins with Hashem commanding Moses to tell the children of Israel (us) not to follow the practices of Egypt. The rest of the chapter then goes into laws around sexual acts, including the infamous 18:22 "Do not lie with a man as you would a woman". The laws of chapter 18 are also taught to us biblically that they apply to both Jews and non-Jews. The two versus we just read are the only two that our sages ever point to in relation to shomeh negiah (guarding the touch). With this context, what are your initial feelings regarding this practice without knowing the rabbinic interpretations?
רמב"ן:
מעשים כגון חיבוקים ונישוקים אינם מפרים מצוות לא יעשה של התורה , אלא איסור דרבנן בלבד
Ramban:
Acts such as hugging and kissing do not violate a negative commandment of the torah, but only a rabbinic prohibition
Note: When Rambam says this it should be noted that to Rambam this is not an admission that it is not an important practice. To Rambam the rabbinic law is almost as divinely inspired as biblical law.
רמב"ם:
כל מי שנוגע אישה נידה בחיבה או רצון , אף אם המעשה נופל קצר של יחסי מין, מפר מצווה התורה שלילית
Rambam:
whoever touches a woman in niddah with affection or desire, even if the act falls short of intercourse, violates a negative torah commandment
כָּל הַבָּא עַל עֶרְוָה מִן הָעֲרָיוֹת דֶּרֶךְ אֵיבָרִים אוֹ שֶׁחִבֵּק וְנִשֵּׁק דֶּרֶךְ תַּאֲוָה וְנֶהֱנָה בְּקֵרוּב בָּשָׂר הֲרֵי זֶה לוֹקֶה מִן הַתּוֹרָה. שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (ויקרא יח ל) "לְבִלְתִּי עֲשׂוֹת מֵחֻקּוֹת הַתּוֹעֵבֹת" וְגוֹ'. וְנֶאֱמַר (ויקרא יח ו) "לֹא תִקְרְבוּ לְגַלּוֹת עֶרְוָה". כְּלוֹמַר לֹא תִּקְרְבוּ לִדְבָרִים הַמְּבִיאִין לִידֵי גִּלּוּי עֶרְוָה:
Anyone who has non-intercourse sexual pleasure ("by way of limbs"), or who hugs and kisses in a sexual way and takes pleasure in physical intimacy, receives lashes for a d'orayta transgression, as it says (Leviticus 18:30) "do not do any of these abominable customs etc" and it says (Leviticus 18:6) "do not approach to uncover nakedness", which is to say do not approach things which will bring you to transgressing giluy arayot.
שו"ע אבן העזר - סימן כא סעיף ז
המחבק או המנשק אחת מהעריות שאין לבו של אדם נוקפו עליהם, כגון אחותו הגדולה ואחות אביו וכיוצא בהם, אע"פ שאין לו שום הנאה כלל הרי זה מגונה ביותר ודבר איסור הוא ומעשה טפשים, שאין קרובים לערוה כלל, בין גדולה בין קטנה, חוץ מהאב לבתו ומהאם לבנה.
Shulchan Aruch Even Haezer 21:7
One who hugs or kisses a relative for whom there's no attraction -- such as his adult sister, or his mother's sister, and the like -- while there is no lust or pleasure at all, this is exceedingly distasteful. And this is prohibited, and the act of fools -- as we do not get close to prohibited relations at all, whether child or adult, other than a mother to her son or a father to his daughter.
איזהו סייג שעשתה תורה לדבריה. הרי הוא אומר (ויקרא י״ח:י״ט) ואל אשה בנדת טומאתה לא תקרב יכול יחבקנה וינשקנה וידבר עמה דברים בטלים. ת״ל לא תקרב. יכול ישן עמה בבגדיה על המטה. ת״ל לא תקרב.
What is the fence that the Torah made around its words? It says (Leviticus 18:19), “Do not come near woman during her period of tumah.” Perhaps [you would still think] one could hug her and kiss her and speak flirtatiously with her. So the verse tells you, “Do not come near.” Perhaps [you would still think] one could sleep next to her on the bed, as long as she was clothed. So the verse tells you, “Do not come near.”
(ו) הַמְחַבֵּק אַחַת מִן הָעֲרָיוֹת שֶׁאֵין לִבּוֹ שֶׁל אָדָם נוֹקְפוֹ עֲלֵיהֶן, אוֹ שֶׁנִּשֵּׁק לְאַחַת מֵהֶן, כְּגוֹן אֲחוֹתוֹ הַגְּדוֹלָה וַאֲחוֹת אִמּוֹ וְכַיּוֹצֵא בָּהֶן, אַף עַל פִּי שֶׁאֵין שָׁם תַּאֲוָה וְלֹא הֲנָאָה כְּלָל, הֲרֵי זֶה מְגֻנֶּה בְּיוֹתֵר, וְדָבָר אָסוּר הוּא, וּמַעֲשֵׂה טִפְּשִׁים הוּא. שֶׁאֵין קְרֵבִין לְעֶרְוָה כְּלָל, בֵּין גְּדוֹלָה בֵּין קְטַנָּה, חוּץ מֵהָאֵם לִבְנָהּ וְהָאָב לְבִתּוֹ:
(ז) כֵּיצַד. מֻתָּר הָאָב לְחַבֵּק בִּתּוֹ וּלְנַשְּׁקָהּ וְתִישַׁן עִמּוֹ בְּקֵרוּב בָּשָׂר. וְכֵן הָאֵם עִם בְּנָהּ כָּל זְמַן שֶׁהֵם קְטַנִּים. הִגְדִּילוּ וְנַעֲשָׂה הַבֵּן גָּדוֹל וְהַבַּת גְּדוֹלָה עַד שֶׁיִּהְיוּ שָׁדַיִם נָכֹנוּ וּשְׂעָרֵךְ צָמַח, זֶה יָשֵׁן בִּכְסוּתוֹ וְהִיא יְשֵׁנָה בִּכְסוּתָהּ. וְאִם הָיְתָה הַבַּת בּוֹשָׁה לַעֲמֹד לִפְנֵי אָבִיהָ עֲרֻמָּה אוֹ שֶׁנִּשֵּׂאת. וְכֵן אִם הָאֵם בּוֹשָׁה לַעֲמֹד בִּפְנֵי בְּנָהּ עֲרֻמָּה, וְאַף עַל פִּי שֶׁהֵן קְטַנִּים, מִשֶּׁהִגִּיעוּ לְהִכָּלֵם מֵהֶן אֵין יְשֵׁנִים עִמָּהֶם אֶלָּא בִּכְסוּתָן:
(6) When a man embraces or kisses any of the women forbidden to him as arayot despite the fact that his heart does not disturb him concerning the matter, e.g. his adult sister, his mother's sister, or the like, it is very shameful. it is forbidden and it is foolish conduct. [This applies] even though he has no desire or pleasure at all. For one should not show closeness to a woman forbidden to him as an Ervah at all, whether an adult or a minor, except a woman to her son and a father to his daughter.
רב אחא מרכיב לה אכתפיה ומרקד. אמרי ליה רבנן אנן מהו למיעבד הכי? אמר להו אי דמיין עלייכו ככשורא לחיי, ואי לא לא
Rav Aḥa would place the bride on his shoulders and dance. The Sages said to him: What is the ruling? Is it permitted for us to do so as well? He said to them: If brides are comparable for you to a beam, fine, but if not, no, you may not.
Questions
How do these texts make you feel?
Rabbi Aha warns his students not to the same as him unless the bride is as sexual as something inanimate like a "beam", on the other hand other sages in these texts claim that it doesn't matter whether or not there is sexual attraction, you should just not approach - which do you think is the better argument?
There is a growing number of people who practice shomer negiah not touching people that are not only of the opposite gender assigned at birth, but also including those who identify as the opposite gender regardless of their assignment at birth and those who are sexually attracted to their gender regardless of their gender identity. How do you feel about this?
(פ) איש איש אל כל שאר בשרו לא תקרבו (ויקרא י״ח:ו׳). כל קירוב בשר אסור כגון הנגיעה בידי אשת איש. ופירושו - לגלות ערוה. כי הקריבה מביאה לידי ערוה. וכי תאמר בלבבך איפה נמצא בכתוב כי גדרה התורה גדר כי תאמר אשר אסרה מגע יד ליד להיות גדר לעבירה. נשיבך דבר. הנה במצות הנזיר אשר עיקר נזירותו פן ישתה וישכח מחוקק או יתעהו רוח זנונים. אוסרתו התורה מכל אשר יעשה מגפן היין. וכל זה לגדר הרחקה ממשתה היין. וכן אמרו רבותינו במדרש:
(80) “No man shall approach anyone of his own flesh” (Leviticus 18:6). Any approaching of the flesh is forbidden, such as touching the hands of a married woman. And its explanation [in the continuation of the verse], “to uncover nakedness,” is because approaching leads to nakedness (forbidden intercourse). And should you say in your heart, “Where is it found in Scripture that the Torah made a fence, that you should say that it forbade the touching of hands, that it should be a sin” - we will answer you [this] word: Behold the commandment of the nazirite in which one’s main separation is lest he forget the Lawmaker or be fooled by a spirit of licentiousness, [and yet] the Torah forbade him from [consuming] everything that is from the vine of wine. And all of that is as a fence to distance him from drinking wine. And likewise did our Rabbis say in the Midrash (Exodus Rabbah 16:2).
I’ll always remember it because it was the first,” said Chana Lavaddin, 21, a sophomore at the University of Pennsylvania. In the way that some convey the minute details of their first sexual encounters, Lavaddin recalled the chapped skin and firm grip of the first man who shook her hand, a former professor congratulating her on winning an award. “It’s intense when you haven’t touched anyone and a man’s hand is on your arm. You just pay more attention because it’s never happened.”
Rivka Holzer, 20, a sophomore at Barnard, worried that an acting class would potentially involve violating shomer negiah. However, her professor was understanding and asked her to speak about the practice to the class. She explained, “Touch is very sacred. Some people save sex for after marriage, but as an Orthodox Jew, I save touch for after marriage.”
Lavaddin admits that she faces “obstacles girls at Stern won’t face in their life,” but her commitment to shomer negiah is unwavering. “You can’t pick. You’re a Jew, and you have to do all of it,” she said. “It’s like saying ‘I don’t keep Shabbos.’ It’s a commandment; that’s it.”
Lavaddin was also candid about the temptations. “Human nature is if you’re a guy and you’re a girl, you want to touch. Sometimes, you want to break out of shomer negiah and make out with a guy.” But it’s just one of the many challenges of being an observant Jew. “I was taught there are a lot of things you have to keep in Judaism that go against human nature. It’s a test.”
“I think a lot of it is silly now,” she said, “like when you poke someone with a pen to get their attention. It’s easier to do when you’re younger.”... “It places such a pressure on touch. It’s just not that big of a deal. It puts so much unhealthy energy into each time you touch someone because it’s so important. It’s not the way to conduct your life.”...
Katz added many of her observant friends stopped upholding the practice by the time they were in their early 20s or had been in a relationship for a year. “I’ve found no one actually does it,” she said. “If no one’s doing it, why are we doing it?” Ultimately, she believes shomer negiah needs to be re-evaluated by religious leaders because it encourages a culture of hypocrisy toward physical contact. “Is it worse to hug friends in public or make out with your boyfriend in private? Everyone’s cheating, but no one is telling anyone.”By the second semester of her senior year, she had started openly hugging some of her male friends and not caring whether photos of her with arms around guys appeared on Facebook. “The fear element I had when I was younger is not in me so much anymore — the fear of ramifications or consequences,” she said.
Final Question:
The main argument for shomeh negiah is that stated in the Shaarei Teshuvah - that you should build a fence around the Torah. Rather than risk having a forbidden sexual encounter you should not put yourself in a situation where it could happen in the first place. Another argument, while not based in Jewish theology, is the one offered by Rivka that touch is inherently sacred and that secular culture if anything has become hypersexualized and this isn't healthy. Others still claim that it is no different from Shabbat as Lavaddin does.
On the other hand, many, like Katz, believe that it is immature or silly or even counterintuitively sexualizes things and people that aren't otherwise sexual. They believe that practicing shomeh negiah leads to unhealthy relationships with physical touch and hypersexualizes the world.
Both sides on the far ends of the argument claim that the other leads to greater risk of sexual harassment and assault.
After reading the above viewpoints and the sources to shomeh negiah, what are your feelings about the practice?