Sorry I'm not sorry..
What is complete repentance? He who once more had in it in his power to repeat a violation, but separated himself therefrom, and did not do it because of repentance, not out of fear or lack of strength.
Mishneh Torah, Repetenance 2:1
What is repentance? The sinner shall cease sinning, and remove sin from his thoughts, and wholeheartedly conclude not to revert back to it... It is, moreover, essential that his confession shall be by spoken words of his lips, and all that which he concluded in his heart shall be formed in speech.
Mishneh Torah, Repentance 2:2
How is one to tell whether a penitent is genuine? Rabbi Judah said: When the penitent has the opportunity to commit the same sin once and once again and he refrains from committing it. - Yoma 8
Repentance and the Day of Atonement (Yom Kippur) atone only for sins between humans and God, such as one who ate something that is forbidden, or had forbidden sexual relations, or something similar.
However, sins between people, such as one who injures another, or curses another, or robs him, and similar sins — these can never be completely absolved until one returns to one’s friend what one owes, and appeases that person. Even if one returns the money that is owed, one still must appease the other person, and request forgiveness. Even if one harmed another only through words, one must still appease that person and continue to contact that person until one is forgiven.
Mishneh Torah, Repentance 2:11
- What do these 3 texts suggest about what constitutes true "repentance?"
- Is it more than just saying you are sorry?
- What else is required?
Too late to say sorry?
Judaism argues that there is always room for teshuvah. An early Jewish text, Exodus Rabbah, teaches:
The gates of repentance re always open, and anyone who wishes to enter may enter.
Exodus Rabbah, 19:4
The essence behind teshuvah (as I understand it) is the process of fixing one’s relationship with other people and one’s relationship with God (to return to God). This Jewish teaching says that no matter how egregious the wrongdoing, one can always perform teshuvah. Further it states that the reason we are not perfect is specifically so we can then choose whether or not to go through the difficult, but nourishing, process of teshuvah. When trying to come up with a less preachy word that still embodies the essence of this process, I chose to use “repair.”
Repairing a broken relationship or trust takes work, commitment, and a desire to do what you can to fix what has been broken. “Repair” (teshuvah) is encouraged throughout Jewish teaching; in fact, it is required in most cases when people make mistakes. Judaism’s take is that repairing a mistake or apologizing for behavior is always an option, no matter the situation. The responsibility lies in your hands; the work of repair requires effort but is not impossible and has a value in and of itself.
Rabbi Leora Kaye
If the process of teshuvah is never-ending, always allowing for mistakes to be made and corrected, how do you avoid becoming lazy about your actions? Why try to be the best friend, partner, child, parent, etc., you can be if there is always room to apologize when you fall short?
I forgive you...
It is forbidden for a person to be cruel, and not to be appeased. Rather, one should be easily satisfied, and difficult to anger. When someone requests forgiveness, one should give it to them with a whole heart and a willing soul.
Mishneh Torah, Repentance 2:10
- What are the rabbis telling us about asking for forgiveness?
- What are they telling us about granting it?
- Do both the one asking for forgiveness and the one granting it have a responsibility to the act of atonement?
- Do you agree?
According to Maimonides, four of the most important steps of teshuvah are the following:
- Verbally confess your mistake and ask for forgiveness (Mishneh Torah 1:1).
- Express sincere remorse, resolving not to make the same mistake again (Mishneh Torah 2:2).
- Do everything in your power to “right the wrong,” to appease the person who has been hurt (Mishneh Torah 2:9).
- Act differently if the same situation happens again (Mishneh Torah 2:1).