"I Walk Barren" - Lech Lecha & Nonviolent Communication

Parashat Lech Lecha 5782

So often we frame conversations about infertility around women, but Parashat Lech Lecha depicts Avram as someone who also wrestles with infertility.

What does Avram want most in the world? Just a hint: It’s not the king of Sodom's sandals. It’s kids. When the Divine appears to Avram and promises him a great reward, Avram isn’t very enthused. He tells the Divine:

What reward could be better than some descendants? All Avram wants is a biological heir. He’s upset that the Divine hasn’t given him זרע, which is often translated as “offspring” but also means “seed.”

Avram’s concerns are valid. Already in this parashah, the Divine has made promises about the greatness of Avram’s זרע, his seed. Avram is simply noticing that he’s about 100 years old and this supposed seed is nowhere to be found.

When I was thinking about this passage, I found myself framing it in terms of Nonviolent Communication (NVC). NVC is a communication technique designed to increase empathy and meet the fundamental human needs of each person engaged in a conversation. It moves us away from accusatory language and towards more compassion for each other. From an NVC perspective, Avram is trying to express an unmet need. He tells the Divine:

Avram’s language is accusatory and full of pain: “You failed to meet my need for a seed. Now I’ll die without an heir I care about.”

If Avram had workshopped this using NVC, he would have taken a moment to think about his need for זרע. He’d look at a needs inventory including basic human needs like connection and safety. He’d maybe categorize זרע or seed as a need for growth and contribution. From there, he might swap out his accusatory “you” language with a statement about his own needs and feelings: “I’m feeling hopeless because my need for growth and contribution isn’t being met.”

That feels a bit more relatable than worrying about an heir. Even without this NVC translation, the Divine has a beautiful response:

In other words: Your legacy will come from you. You may feel hopeless now, but your seed will plant a galaxy of growth and contribution. Your seed is already inside of you. It’s just waiting to be planted.

Here Avram begins to trust in the Divine:

The word used for the Divine here is יהוה, an untranslatable verb that combines the past, present, and future — we’re witnessing Avram beginning to believe in something sacred that somehow includes all facets of time at once.

This sacredness encompasses Avram’s own past, present, and future. The seed that he discovers within himself now will someday become descendants who will look back on this very moment and tell this story. They’ll find meaning in Avram’s wrestling with hopelessness and barrenness. They’ll think about what it means to grow and contribute. They’ll plant their own galaxies.

They — we — will make sure that Avram’s wrestling with barrenness is, was, and will eternally be meaningful.