“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.” - Mother Teresa
Rabbi Mark Katz writes that "Loneliness has been a feature of the human condition since the dawn of creation.", it is an inevitable human emotion that can in some moments be satisfying and in other moments be one of the most difficult emotions to deal with.
Today's shiur will look at the following areas
Today's shiur will look at the following areas
- What does lonliness look like in Tanach?
- What is the Jewish response to lonliness?
- How do we ensure that we create a community that embraces the lonely?
Naomi, Yirmiyahu, David & Moshe : Loss, Fate and Responsibility
אֲנִי֙ מְלֵאָ֣ה הָלַ֔כְתִּי וְרֵיקָ֖ם הֱשִׁיבַ֣נִי ה' לָ֣מָּה תִקְרֶ֤אנָה לִי֙ נָעֳמִ֔י וַֽה' עָ֣נָה בִ֔י וְשַׁדַּ֖י הֵ֥רַֽע לִֽי׃
I went away full, and the LORD has brought me back empty. How can you call me Naomi, when the LORD has dealt harshly with me, when Shaddai has brought misfortune upon me!”
לֹֽא־יָשַׁ֥בְתִּי בְסוֹד־מְשַׂחֲקִ֖ים וָֽאֶעְלֹ֑ז מִפְּנֵ֤י יָֽדְךָ֙ בָּדָ֣ד יָשַׁ֔בְתִּי כִּֽי־זַ֖עַם מִלֵּאתָֽנִי׃ (ס)
I have not sat in the company of revelers And made merry! I have sat lonely because of Your hand upon me, For You have filled me with gloom.
פְּנֵה־אֵלַ֥י וְחָנֵּ֑נִי כִּֽי־יָחִ֖יד וְעָנִ֣י אָֽנִי׃
Turn to me, have mercy on me, for I am alone and afflicted.
כי יחיד ועני אני. ועון רבים תלוי בי ולנגדן אני יחיד לפיכך פנה אלי וחנני כי תפלתי צריכה לתשועת כל ישראל:
for I am alone and poor and the eyes of the public are directed toward me, and compared to them, I am a single person. Therefore, turn to me and be gracious to me because my prayer is necessary for the salvation of all Israel.
שָׁקַ֥דְתִּי וָאֶֽהְיֶ֑ה כְּ֝צִפּ֗וֹר בּוֹדֵ֥ד עַל־גָּֽג׃
I watch, and am like a lonely sparrow upon the house top.
שקדתי. התבוננתי בעצמי והנני כצפור הבודד על גג יושב לבדו באין זוג:
I pondered I pondered about myself, and behold I am like a lonely bird on a roof, sitting alone without a mate.
The key to Moshe’s burial lies in the manner in which he lived his life. In Moshe’s case – although not only in his case – being unique also meant being lonely. This was central to his singular role as the intermediary between God and the Jewish people. And it makes sense that what was imperative in life would also be necessary in death.
It is not good to be alone... or is it?
וַיֹּ֙אמֶר֙ יְהוָ֣ה אֱלֹהִ֔ים לֹא־ט֛וֹב הֱי֥וֹת הָֽאָדָ֖ם לְבַדּ֑וֹ אֶֽעֱשֶׂהּ־לּ֥וֹ עֵ֖זֶר כְּנֶגְדּֽוֹ׃
The LORD God said, “It is not good for man to be alone; I will make a fitting helper for him.”
טוֹבִ֥ים הַשְּׁנַ֖יִם מִן־הָאֶחָ֑ד אֲשֶׁ֧ר יֵשׁ־לָהֶ֛ם שָׂכָ֥ר ט֖וֹב בַּעֲמָלָֽם׃
Two are better off than one, in that they have greater benefit from their earnings.
כִּ֣י אִם־יִפֹּ֔לוּ הָאֶחָ֖ד יָקִ֣ים אֶת־חֲבֵר֑וֹ וְאִ֣יל֗וֹ הָֽאֶחָד֙ שֶׁיִּפּ֔וֹל וְאֵ֥ין שֵׁנִ֖י לַהֲקִימֽוֹ׃
For should they fall, one can raise the other; but woe betide him who is alone and falls with no companion to raise him!
Joseph B. Soloveitchik, The Lonely Man of Faith
Who knows what kind of loneliness is more agonizing: the one which befalls man when he casts his glance at the mute cosmos, at its dark spaces and monotonous drama, or the one that besets man exchanging glances with his fellow man in silence?
The companionship which Adam the second is seeking is not to be found in the de-personalized regimentation of the army, in the automatic coordination of the assembly line, or in the activity of the institutionalized, soulless political community. His quest is for a new kind of fellowship, which one finds in the existential community. There, not only hands are joined, but experiences as well; there, one hears not only the rhythmic sound of the production line, but also the rhythmic beat of hearts starved for existential companionship and all-embracing sympathy and experiencing the grandeur of the faith commitment; there, one lonely soul finds another soul tormented by loneliness and solitude yet unqualifiedly committed.
Who knows what kind of loneliness is more agonizing: the one which befalls man when he casts his glance at the mute cosmos, at its dark spaces and monotonous drama, or the one that besets man exchanging glances with his fellow man in silence?
The companionship which Adam the second is seeking is not to be found in the de-personalized regimentation of the army, in the automatic coordination of the assembly line, or in the activity of the institutionalized, soulless political community. His quest is for a new kind of fellowship, which one finds in the existential community. There, not only hands are joined, but experiences as well; there, one hears not only the rhythmic sound of the production line, but also the rhythmic beat of hearts starved for existential companionship and all-embracing sympathy and experiencing the grandeur of the faith commitment; there, one lonely soul finds another soul tormented by loneliness and solitude yet unqualifiedly committed.
Rabbi Eliezer Berkowitz
We are lonely, and it is hard to bear loneliness. But let us not forget that there is a great company of the lonely ones. There is God who is lonely, there are Justice, Truth, Freedom, Goodness—they are all very lonely. Let us remain faithful to their company.
Embracing those who are lonely...
וְצָרִיךְ לַעֲשׂוֹת שִׁנּוּי בַּלַּיְלָה הַזֶּה כְּדֵי שֶׁיִּרְאוּ הַבָּנִים וְיִשְׁאֲלוּ וְיֹאמְרוּ מַה נִּשְׁתַּנָּה הַלַּיְלָה הַזֶּה מִכָּל הַלֵּילוֹת עַד שֶׁיָּשִׁיב לָהֶם וְיֹאמַר לָהֶם כָּךְ וְכָךְ אֵרַע וְכָךְ וְכָךְ הָיָה. וְכֵיצַד מְשַׁנֶּה. מְחַלֵּק לָהֶם קְלָיוֹת וֶאֱגוֹזִים וְעוֹקְרִים הַשֻּׁלְחָן מִלִּפְנֵיהֶם קֹדֶם שֶׁיֹּאכְלוּ וְחוֹטְפִין מַצָּה זֶה מִיַּד זֶה וְכַיּוֹצֵא בִּדְבָרִים הָאֵלּוּ. אֵין לוֹ בֵּן אִשְׁתּוֹ שׁוֹאַלְתּוֹ. אֵין לוֹ אִשָּׁה שׁוֹאֲלִין זֶה אֶת זֶה מַה נִּשְׁתַּנָּה הַלַּיְלָה הַזֶּה. וַאֲפִלּוּ הָיוּ כֻּלָּן חֲכָמִים. הָיָה לְבַדּוֹ שׁוֹאֵל לְעַצְמוֹ מַה נִּשְׁתַּנָּה הַלַּיְלָה הַזֶּה:
On the first night of Pesaḥ, one should introduce some change at the table, so that the children who will notice it may ask, saying: "Why is this night different from all other nights?" And he in turn will reply: "This is what happened." In what manner, for example, should he introduce a change? He may distribute parched grain or nuts to the children; remove the table from its usual place; snatch the unleavened bread from hand to hand, and so on. If he has no son, his wife should ask the questions; if he has no wife, they should ask one another: "Why is this night different?"—even if they are all scholars. If one is alone, he should ask himself: "Why is this night different?"
החלק השני שבמצווה, לשמח את שכניו ומכריו העניים והבודדים, שנאמר (דברים טז, יד): "וְשָׂמַחְתָּ בְּחַגֶּךָ… וְהַלֵּוִי וְהַגֵּר וְהַיָּתוֹם וְהָאַלְמָנָה אֲשֶׁר בִּשְׁעָרֶיךָ". היתום והאלמנה היו בדרך כלל עניים, הואיל ומטה לחמם נשבר, והגר שעזב את מולדתו ומשפחתו עלול לסבול מבדידות. המצווה לשמח את העניים מתקיימת בעיקר על ידי צדקה, והמצווה לשמח בודדים ושבורי לב נעשית על ידי הזמנתם להשתתף בסעודת החג.
The second component of the mitzva of simḥa is to bring joy to one’s neighbors and acquaintances who are poor or lonely. As the verse states: “You shall rejoice in your festival with…the Levite, the stranger, the orphan, and the widow in your communities” (Devarim 16:14). Generally speaking, in the past the orphan and widow were poor as well, since there was no one to provide for them. As for the “stranger,” a convert who has left his birthplace and family is likely to suffer from loneliness. The mitzva to provide simḥa to the poor is fulfilled primarily by giving them charity, and the mitzva to provide simḥa to the lonely and broken-hearted is fulfilled primarily by inviting them to join the festival meals.
May a soldier or sailor who is on lonely outpost duty for a considerable period of time (as for example, men on coast guard duty) in the event of Yahrzeit say Kaddish alone, since he cannot possibly assemble a minyan?
Just as in the case of the tefillah it is preferable to say it with the congregation and yet it is permitted to be said silently alone, so the Kaddish which is primarily part of the congregationwl response may also be recited silently alone.
ביחס למגמתו של החג, לכאורה ישנם שני פסוקים סותרים, באחד נאמר שהוא לה' – "עֲצֶרֶת לַה' אֱלוֹהֶיךָ" (דברים טז, ח), ובשני נאמר שהוא לכם – "עֲצֶרֶת תִּהְיֶה לָכֶם" (במדבר כט, לה). לדעת רבי יהושע כוונת התורה שנחלוק את היום – "חציו לה' וחציו לכם", כלומר "חציו לאכילה ושתייה וחציו לבית המדרש". ולדעת רבי אליעזר יכול אדם לבחור, או כולו לה' בבית המדרש, או כולו לכם בסעודה (פסחים סח, ב; ביצה טו, ב). וגם הבוחר לעסוק כל היום בתורה צריך לפי רבי אליעזר לטעום דבר מה, כדי שלא יהיה מעונה. ומנגד, גם הבוחר לעסוק כל היום בסעודה, צריך להתפלל ולקיים לימוד מסוים בלילה וביום, ולומר דברי תורה בסעודה (רבנו פרץ, רא"ה, של"ה). עוד יש להוסיף, שאם יבחר לעסוק כל היום בסעודתו, בחירתו צריכה להיות לשם שמיים, כדי לשמוח בקדושת החג ולשמח עניים וגלמודים (פרי צדיק חג השבועות ה', להלן יא).
When it comes to the purpose of a holiday, there are two verses which seem to contradict each other. One verse tells us that the holiday is for God: “You shall hold a joyous gathering for the Lord your God (atzeret laShem Elokekha)” (Devarim 16:8), while the other says that it is for you: “On the eighth day you shall hold a joyous gathering for yourselves (atzeret tihyeh lakhem)” (Bamidbar 29:35). The Gemara presents two ways to reconcile the verses. According to R. Yehoshua, the Torah is telling us that we should split up the holiday so “half is for God and half is for you” – meaning half the day is spent on food and drink, and half is spent learning Torah in the beit midrash. In R. Eliezer’s opinion, a person may choose – either the whole day is “for God” spent in the beit midrash, or the whole day is “for you” spent eating (Pesaḥim 68b; Beitza 15b). Even if one chooses to follow R. Eliezer and spend all day learning Torah, he must still eat something so that he will not suffer from hunger, while if one chooses to spend all day eating, he must still pray and learn some Torah in the morning and at night, and also have words of Torah at the meal (Rabbeinu Peretz; Ra’ah; Shelah). Furthermore, if one chooses to spend all day eating, this choice must be made for the sake of heaven, in order to enjoy the sanctity of the holiday and to provide enjoyment for poor and lonely people (Pri Tzadik, Ḥag Ha-Shavu’ot §5; see section 11 below).