Landlord Theme: Forgiveness

Why would you want to forgive someone who has wronged you? Is there any benefit to forgiving? Is there a “right” time to forgive? And what does religion have to do with it? Come to think of it, does religion have anything to do with it?

Thousands of years of Jewish text and wisdom offer us tremendous strategies for, and potential solutions to, the tricky business of forgiveness. In Jewish teaching, people are encouraged to lean toward compassion and forgiveness and to offer opportunities for others to engage in תשובה (teshuvah), traditionally defined as repentance. But the teaching is not necessarily easy to implement in real life. So, what is the essence of what Judaism teaches? Is there anything to be gained from forgiving in even the most difficult situations? What can be gleaned from Jewish sources about the value of following that path?
Hanan Harchol (the author and animator of the film) and his father argue about the value of accepting David’s apology, revealing three ways to think about forgiveness. Essentially, according to Hanan’s father, forgiveness is all about choice.

1. Recognizing forgiveness as a free choice that reflects who you want to be: how you choose to behave and how you choose to treat other people (independent of their behavior toward you).
2. Seeing forgiveness as a choice about how to handle your anger and how long to hold onto anger.
3. Choosing to think about the situation from the perspective of the wrongdoer – allowing empathy to help direct your response.

Jewish text offers guidance in these three realms. However, looking at the texts in the light of an actual scenario in which forgiveness may be necessary encourages thoughtful deliberation about what you might do and what ideas influence your opinion.

1.Who Do You Want to Be?

In any argument you probably believe that you are correct. While you may be able to see the other person’s perspective, there is a point at which you draw a line in the sand, deciding who is “right” and who is “wrong.” In the film, Hanan’s father encourages him to recognize that only he can decide whether or not to forgive David. With the apology imminent, Hanan needs to work through the resentment he still feels. His father points out the revenge he is trying to exact and questions its benefit. Imparting a similar message, the Talmud teaches:

1. Does it really matter why David is apologizing? Should Hanan care whether or not David has “learned a lesson” or should he be more focused on how the anger has affected him?
2. What does it mean to make active decisions about the nature of forgiveness and anger?
3. In your own life, should your responses be based on someone else’s intent?
4. Do you agree with the quote from Kiddushin above, or do you believe there is some qualitative use for anger? Was there for Hanan?

Hanan Harchol believes that the most important and difficult line in the script is:
DADDY: Actions lead to feelings
Hanan’s father goes on to say:
DADDY: Stopping an action is not the same as taking an action.
What does “actions lead to feelings” mean? Can a feeling “grow” as a result of an action? Do you agree that there is a difference between stopping an action and taking one? Can you think of times in your life when stopping an action actually was an active choice? Is there something in-between? Do actions lead to feelings or is it the other way around? Which should be the driving force?
The Ba’al Shem Tov (18th century, Poland), a rabbi and the founder of Chasidism, taught: The world is a mirror; the faults you see in others are your own.
What are the most difficult behaviors to change in yourself? When have you most keenly seen those behaviors in others? With which parts of the Ba’al Shem Tov’s statement do you agree and with which parts do you disagree?

2. How Long to Hold On to Anger?

Compared to other emotions and responses, there is a surprising lack of discussion in Jewish sources regarding how to handle anger. Some texts advise that you should be slow to anger, but all agree that it is within human nature to be angry, often referring to Moses and his bouts with anger to justify our own modern experiences. There is, however, a leaning toward tempering your frustrations, allowing your יצר טוב - inclination toward good (yetzer ha tov) to overpower your יצר הרע - inclination toward bad (yetzer ha ra). The Talmudic rabbis emphasized this idea in the following teaching:

A biblical quote goes even further:

In what ways did Hanan’s father prove to him that the extent of his anger was foolish?

3. What About “the Other Guy?”

In one of the most famous Jewish tales of morality, Rabbi Hillel (110 BCE – 10 CE), a Talmudic scholar, encapsulates the entire idea of Judaism in one sentence, encouraging us to give as much thought to others’ perspective as to our own:

Rabbi Brad Hirschfield puts this situation into context when he offers the following about forgiveness:

The number of apologies you seek should be proportional to the number you are willing to offer, because the doing of each nurtures the capacity for the other.