The impetus for this book is simple. This is the type of book I would have wanted when I got married. There was no question about my keeping the laws of Jewish family life (taharat hamishpachah) – after all, I did my best to keep Shabbat and Kashrut, so why should these be any different? But unlike other areas of Jewish Law, this was one in which I had no prior experience or education. I needed to learn it from scratch, preferably with my husband to be. The problem was how to learn. The books available at the time had laundry lists of what to do and not do, but not placed in any framework that I could comprehend and thus retain. As for learning the halachot from the original sources, this was impossible within a four-month engagement while simultaneously attending medical school. Classes for brides and grooms of modern backgrounds did not exist. The classes that existed were, once again, listings of what to do and not to do, without sources and without much explanation. From lack of any alternative, I muddled through with the laundry lists.
For a decade and a half after getting married, I dreamed of writing this book. Although better pre-marital classes are currently available in some areas such as New York, they are not accessible to everyone. Furthermore, most classes are designed only for newlyweds, while these are halachot that apply during many years of married life. It would be helpful to have something in writing one could turn back to for a refresher course. I wanted such a book, but was not qualified to write it myself, and could not find anyone with sufficient knowledge of the halachot who wished to write it with me.
In 1997, Nishmat – the Jerusalem Center for Advanced Jewish Studies for Women – opened a program for studying these halachot on the intensive level that I had sought. The goal of Nishmat’s “Keren Ariel” program is to train women to be an address for other women who have questions in this area of halacha but are hesitant to ask them. In the course of study, I further realized why I wanted this kind of book. Many laws that seemed difficult to keep, once explained and seen in the context of their original sources, made so much more sense. Often women do not understand the basics of these halachot even when they are fully committed to keeping them. This lack of knowledge leads to problems of both inappropriate leniency and unnecessary stringency.
After two years in the Keren Ariel program, I felt that I finally had the background to approach writing the book. Thanks to a post-graduate grant from Nishmat, this book has at last become a reality.
Why yet another book? How is this book different? First, especially in the first section of the book, many of the original sources of the halachot are provided in Hebrew. For those who grew up studying this way, this should be a welcome feature. For those for whom dealing with original Hebrew sources is difficult, the sections quoted are paraphrased in the following section.
Second, as this book is meant to be a lifetime companion, there are separate sections dealing with various stages of the life cycle. The laws of one’s wedding night are usually relevant only once, while details about the peri-menopause are not interesting to most young brides. Third, this book contains detailed descriptions of medical situations in which questions in the area of taharat hamishpachah frequently arise.
The second section of the book is meant to be a quick practical review, as this is an area of halacha that frequently needs review. Months and sometimes years can go by with some of the laws being barely relevant, due to pregnancy and nursing, and thus subject to being forgotten. Alternatively, a woman may have a fairly regular cycle but as she gets older things change, leading to issues she never had to grapple with before. This section is also is a quick way to learn the laws if one does not have the time or inclination to study the sources provided in Part One.
This book cannot and is not meant to take the place of rabbinical consultation. Just as no medical manual can take the place of individual consultation with a physician, this book is not meant to take the place of a rabbi. Individual questions should be addressed to a couple’s own rabbi, particularly as in many matters local practice is determinative of the halacha. However, if one does not understand the halachic issues involved, one often does not even know that a question can or should be asked.
Another reason to consult one’s own rabbi is that some of the halachic opinions expressed here may not be those quoted in some other books – there are areas of disagreement in many areas of halacha. In addition, I do not claim to have listed all the details and sub-details of the halachot, which would be impossible even in a book of twice this size. Effort has been made, however, to widen the scope of debate in the footnotes, when possible.
The opinions expressed in the book have the approval of the rabbis whom I consulted, Rabbis Reuven Aberman, Yehuda Henkin and Yaakov Warhaftig. Responsibility for any errors that may have crept into this book, as well as for deciding what was included and what was omitted, is, of course, mine alone.
The focus of the book is on the Jewish laws of the physical relationship between the husband and wife. This is not meant in any way to negate the need for establishing and maintaining a healthy emotional relationship between the couple within the spirit of Judaism. Ideally, a couple will have personal guidance from a trusted advisor (e.g., rabbi, kallah teacher, parent) to help them on this path. If not, there are many books on this complementary topic. Preparation for Jewish family life should include addressing both issues.
This book is not for everyone. It includes clinical but explicit language about the human reproductive system that may make some people uncomfortable. This is not due to a lack of concern for the demands of modesty, but to prevent the confusion that too much euphemism can cause. Furthermore the book includes discussion of sensitive topics that are often not dealt with in texts. I feel these issues need to be dealt with openly, so people who find themselves in these situations know they are not alone.
For those people for whom this book is appropriate – I hope they enjoy the learning process of reading this book as much as I did the learning process of writing it.
Writing a book on halacha is an awesome task, as any misstatements can have serious ramifications. It is thus fitting that I end this introduction with the following:
רבי נחוניא בן הקנה היה מתפלל בכניסתו לבית המדרש וביציאתו תפלה קצרה. אמרו לו: מה מקום לתפלה זו? אמר להם: בכניסתי אני מתפלל שלא יארע דבר תקלה על ידי, וביציאתי אני נותן הודאה על חלקי. (תלמוד בבלי, ברכות כח:) Rabbi Nechuniah ben Hakanah used to pray a short prayer when entering and leaving the house of study. They asked him: What is the purpose of this prayer? He told them: When I enter I pray that no problems should be caused by me, and when I leave I give thanks for my portion.
(Babylonian Talmud, Berachot 28b)
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
First and foremost, I would like to thank my parents, Dr. Charles Cohen and Naomi Winter Cohen, for the Jewish education they gave me and for encouraging me to pursue it further. Similarly, I would like to thank the parents I acquired through my marriage, Morris and Elaine Zimmerman, who have provided me much love and support despite my somewhat unconventional pursuits. A thirst for advanced learning for women was something I also acquired from my grandmothers, Bess Winter and Sara Cohen of blessed memory.
I would also like to thank all my teachers through the years who have given me the skills to undertake such a project. Particular thanks (in chronological order) are due to my Ramaz School teachers – my first Talmud teacher, Rabbi Alan Odess, and my teacher and mentor throughout high school, Rabbi Jack Bieler. I thank Rabbi Yitzchak Frank who assisted me in continuing my Talmud studies after High School during my year in Israel, and tried to improve my Aramaic throughout the years. His insistence on excellence led him and his wife Marcia to read the manuscript and offer many helpful suggestions which I tried to incorporate. His concern for the benefit of the reader (as evidenced in his own book The Practical Talmud Dictionary) led him to offer to vocalize the Hebrew and Aramaic texts. Rabbi Reuven Aberman deserves special thanks for my first exposure to the systematic study of halacha. He also was an integral part of the production of the book, reviewing draft after draft and encouraging me to continue. Thanks as well to his wife Chaya for her tolerance of my many phone calls and visits.
This book owes its existence to the Keren Ariel Program for Yoatzot Halacha of Nishmat – the Jeanie Schottenstein Center for Advanced Torah Study for Women, in which I studied the laws of taharat hamishpachah, and a grant from which enabled me to write this book. Rabbanit Chana Henkin, Founder and Dean of Nishmat, conceived of the program and brought it into being. Moshe Green z”l, to whom the book is dedicated, was crucial to the inception of the program and of the post-graduate fellowships of which this book is the first fruit. His guidance is much missed. The ongoing support of his family and of my friends Ira and Michele Green have been crucial to the program’s continued success. Rabbi Yaakov Warhaftig, dean of the program, took the brave step forward of teaching women on this level. He guided me during two years of intensive study, and continues to provide ongoing consultation in cases presented to me as a women’s halachic advisor (yoetzet halacha). Rabbi Yehuda Henkin, Rav of Nishmat, thoroughly reviewed and corrected the manuscript and graciously agreed to write its forward.
Thanks for their thoughtful and careful review of draft copies go to my chevrutah Tova Ganzel and my colleagues from the Keren Ariel Program, Aliza Segal and Shani Taragin. Thanks for reviewing the manuscript also go to Dr. Yonina Schein, Dr. Roberta Colton, and Dr. Sharon Slater. Thanks for reviewing the medical sections to Dr. Gila Leiter and my brother Dr. Matthew Cohen. My thanks to Talli Y. Rosenbaum for her contribution of two appendices and of a number of helpful comments to the life cycle and medical sections. I wish to gratefully acknowledge the assistance of my publisher Tzvi Mauer both for his helpful comments and his efforts with the book’s publication.
Much of the work on this book was done while working at TEREM – Immediate Medical Services, Jerusalem. I want to thank the doctors and nurses who work there with me and contributed their suggestions. I want to particularly express a debt of gratitude to the director, Rabbi Dr. David Applebaum z”l. At the time that I applied to the yoetzet halacha program, I was working at TEREM on the Sunday evening shift. This was the same evening that the medical lectures that were part of the program were given. Dr. Applebaum agreed to let me take a two hour break from my shift to attend these lectures as he felt that it was important that I be part of the program. He was fully aware of my writing this book at work and allowed me to do this “double duty.” Dr. Applebaum was murdered in a terrorist attack in Jerusalem along with his daughter Naava, to whom I taught some of these halachot, on the evening before her wedding was to have taken place.
In writing this book I feel that I am partially filling a debt to my sister Dr. Jessica Cohen Langer and sister-in-law Dr. Sharon Koren Cohen who I taught about taharat hamishpachah prior to their respective weddings. At the time I felt that I never provided them with the type of education on the topic that they really deserved. I hope that this book will make it up to their daughters Ronit and Seela Langer and Atara, Tali and Tamar Cohen. My children Ari, Akiva, Yosef, Rivka and Tikva deserve many thanks for their patience so Ima could write her book. Most of all, none of my accomplishments would be possible without the support, encouragement and tolerance of my husband, Rabbi Sammy (Shalom) Zimmerman. May we merit bringing up our children together in health and happiness.
In the years since the first edition was published, a number of changes have taken place. First of all, Nishmat's Keren Ariel Program has expanded and matured. There are currently 60 certified yoatzot halacha serving communities in Israel and abroad. At present, yoatzot halacha answer questions nightly through Nishmat's Golda Koschitzky Women's Halachic Hotline (972-2-640-4343, or 1-877-YOETZET). I have had the privilege of developing Nishmat's Women's Health and Halacha Websites which include a site for the general public, www.yoatzot.org (including three on-line courses - Kallah Companion, Marriage Companion, and Spanish.Taharat Hamishpajá), and, for medical professionals, www.jewishwomenshealth.org. My work on the hotline and websites has given me exposure to over 10,000 questions in this area of halacha.
Secondly, while Torah is timeless, medicine is constantly changing. Thus there was a need to update a number of the medical issues discussed in this book.
I would like to thank Tzvi Mauer for his willingness to assure that each edition of this book is as accurate as possible. I would also like to thank Ilana Sober Elzufon for her painstaking work in indexing this book and her invaluable help in assuring that the writing of both revised editions (as well as anything posted on www.yoatzot.org) is as clear as possible.
The basic laws are presented twice.
Part ONE is meant as a study guide for those who wish to learn with the original sources. The sources in this part are in vocalized Hebrew; however, their content is paraphrased in the English paragraphs that follow each section.
Part TWO is for those who are interested primarily in knowing what to do, without sources, and for those who wish a shorter review.
Part THREE consists of a review of the life cycle with its attendant halachot.
Part FOUR deals with medical issues and their halachic implications.