Halachic aspects of marital relations
While much has been written of the Jewish attitude towards sex, little has been written of the specific commandments, and even less about halachic implications of sexual problems.1Steinberg A. “Hashkafat hayahadut al hachaim haminiim.” Sefer Assia 4 (Jerusalem: Machon Schlesinger, 1983). This is partially because it is a topic in which modesty, even verbal modesty, is required. This section is included not to make light of the importance of modesty in this area, but because of a need for some discussion of this topic to prevent couples from suffering needlessly.
Sex is a natural but learned behavior (see Appendix C, pp. 200–204, for further discussion of physiology). For a couple in which neither has prior sexual experience, learning together is part of the bonding process of their marriage. This can take time and should be approached with patience, understanding, and a bit of a sense of humor by both husband and wife. When one member of the couple has prior experience, even more understanding and patience is sometimes needed. It should be remembered that, particularly for those who have had no physical contact prior to marriage, it is sometimes quite an adjustment to make all at once.
The halachic obligation
Marital relations are considered one of three biblical obligations that a husband has to his wife. This commandment is known as onah or “her time.” The exact frequency depends on his profession and the resulting anticipated amount of time spent at home, among other factors. Marital relations are due her on her mikveh night and before leaving for a trip, assuming she is not a niddah.2Shulchan Aruch OH 240. At other times when she is not a niddah they are permitted whenever mutually desired. Marital relations are viewed as part of the way that couples become closer to each other and are an integral part of a marriage. However, it should not be the only focus of a marriage, and sex should not be a constant preoccupation of the husband and wife.3Berachot 22a.
When are they forbidden
In addition to the time when she is a niddah, when all physical contact is prohibited, and the days of her anticipated menses when intercourse is forbidden, there are other times when marital relations are forbidden. They are forbidden as a sign of mourning during the week of mourning (shiva) of either the husband or wife, and on Tisha B’Av. On Yom Kippur, they are proscribed as one of the five deprivations4The other four are eating, drinking, wearing leather shoes and annointing with oil. of the day. In these cases, hugging and kissing are forbidden as well. Whether one needs to keep the added restrictions (the harchakot) is a matter of dispute. One should consult with one’s own rabbi.
What is permissible?
There is lots of latitude within halacha as to what is permissible within marital relations.5Shulchan Aruch EH 25:1 and the gloss of the Rema on EH 25:2. A few principles are inviolable – only with one’s spouse, not while the wife is a niddah, and only in private.6Shulchan Aruch EH 25:4. It also has to be mutually acceptable – Judaism does not permit marital rape.
There is other recommended behavior. One such behavior is that intercourse not take place in artificial light or daylight.7Shulchan Aruch OC 240:11. The reason given in the traditional sources is that inspection in full light might lead to finding something unattractive. Rather than enhance sexual function, fear of unattractiveness may inhibit it, simply because many women are self conscious. Some sources also proscribe looking directly at the vagina.8Kallah 1:9, Tur OC 240. Following this recommendation also assures that women will not feel demeaned by the focused gaze but rather feel that her husband is making love to the total “her” and not to a particular body part.
It is recommended that the couple face each other. Looking at each other helps to ensure that they are concentrating on their relationship and not on anything else.9Shulchan Aruch OC 240:2.
What if physical relations do not seem to be going right
Even after the couple has learned the basics there are times that physical relations will not go as smoothly as possible. Should the problem persist it is important that the issue be addressed. Further discussion of sexual difficulties and female sexual pain disorders are found in Appendix C (pp. 204–206). A few common problems that men experience are outlined below:
Premature ejaculation is involuntary emission of semen prior to intercourse, or immediately upon the beginning of intercourse. It happens to most men from time to time. If it is chronic, it requires treatment to allow for pregnancy, as well as due to the halachic concern of wasting seed. Consultation with a urologist or sex therapist should be sought.
Erectile dysfunction is the inability to achieve or maintain erection, commonly known as impotence. At one time this was felt to be mostly psychological, but today it is believed that most cases are physical in origin. Erection requires the interplay of the mind, blood vessels, and nerves. Fatigue or emotional stress can be the cause if it happens occasionally. If the problem persists, a medical condition should be suspected, as many diseases of blood vessels or nerves such as diabetes, hypertension, etc. can lead to this condition. Effective treatments are available. Therefore, medical consultation should be sought.
There is nothing inherently halachically wrong with treating sexual dysfunction. Quite the opposite, it is crucial for the health or survival of the marriage. The question concerns the methods that are often employed. Masturbation is contraindicated by halacha, and staring at the genital area is problematic as well. Therefore, it is important to use a therapist who is sensitive to these concerns and to the laws of niddah and is willing to work around them. For example, many sexual therapy techniques involve touch. This would have to be scheduled around the time the couple is permitted to touch and be forbidden when the wife is niddah. All these types of issues can be overcome with a sensitive therapist who is willing to work with the couple and rabbinic consultation.